I The Behrend Beacon Negotiations with University Park expected to break down Behrend threatens secession By Den Sneddan and Jerry Pohl not renalade itistant new editot and contributing writer Representatives from Behrend are returning from the University Park (more properly known as the Main or One True) Campus as negotiations with Penn State's administration over the matter of Behrend's secession has broken down. Behrend's representa tives argued that Behrend should exist as its own college, separate from Penn State, yet Behrend should not only receive Penn State funding, but that the already incredible amount of fund ing they receive from University Park (or The Real Penn State) should be increased. University Park (or The Only Worthwhile Penn State Campus) dele gates were outraged by this and all of Behrend's insubordinations. After this breakdown of communi cations, Penn State's administration said, "we truly hope the peace process will not fail. All we ask is for Behrend to treat us with some respect, but they see this as some sort of great crusade," said University Park officials. "As much as we hate war and love the stu dents at Behrend, if they continue down this road, armed conflict with Behrend is not out of the question." While University Park (or The Place Where Real Penn State Degrees Come From) has yet to start pooling its vast resources in case of war, Behrend is mobilizing it's substantial forces. "We will not stand for this!" Said Carl Marks COMMU/NISM 06 leader of SGA's separatist Bowl Chive Vick faction. "We will not stand for the capitalist pig dogs at the Center County Campus [University Parkl. All they do is try to take our funding; they treat us as though we are Penn State! Then they spread lies about SGA presidential candidates exposed By Jerry Pohl contributing writer Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the expose that digs too deep for you to handle. SGA Election 2005: The Definitive Interview. Candidates for SGA presidency will officially announce their platforms Monday, but since you're reading the humor page, statistically, you probably won't vote, let alone care, and you most likely think a political platform is made of wood. I sat down for an interview with the three major candidates. Well, actually, I latched onto Lacy Buzard's interview like a British street urchin and kept WIN A DATE WITH A HUMOR PAGE WRITER!!! The opportunity of a lifetime is now available to you! I mail dassolB@psu.edu to find out how you can win a date wit the best looking, wittiest, most desired yet inexplicibly available guys on campus, the Humor Page Writers! how we can finish our majors down there, when at least 0.000002 percent td all Penn State students must com plete their degree at Behrend!" Behrend's war machine has begun turning its wheels. The Research and Economic Development Center (REDO) while still under construction is in fact being used for munitions storage. Knowledge Park, which claims to be part of the 'land grant' is actually a Soviet-style training facili ty; a fully functional barracks produc ing hundreds of ruthless, mindless Behrendite shock troops and supply ing storage for at least a score of Behrend's medium and heavy armor. The "plastics laboratory" is produc ing large numbers of new, light weight weapons, including but not limited to; rifles, machine guns, artillery, various sizes of tanks, and several dozen personnel and freight vehicles for the war effort. Behrend has essentially purchased the Coast Guard station in Erie (using SAF funds), and used it to bolster the ranks of its already formidable navy. There are unconfirmed reports of the development of an air force; an anonymous source indicated that Almy Hall might be a hangar. Smith Chapel has been converted to a radar tower and the elevator to the apart ments is in fact a camouflaged rocket platform, for launching satellites. The twin observatories behind the Science building have been confirmed to be missile silos. The troops will be entertained by the Matchbox Players USO-style shows. Pro-war films, comedians that show the lighter side of fighting the centrist University Park timocracy, and bands playing the march to war will be flown in by the LEB (Liberal Extortionist Bureaucracy). The various clubs and organizations are being used to the fullest of their interrupting with important questions about baby eating and other pressing issues. I learned more than I ever want ed to know about Zack Mentz, Justin Curry and Alex Henderson that day. When I asked the three about their official position on baby eating, Justin asked, "When is Bruno's going to start serving that?" Alex said he doesn't "think Ken Miller would appreciate it." and Mentz spoke out against it: Zack Mentz, the only candidate on record against baby eating, saying, "That prac tice has gone on too long." When asked how they responded to allegations that they once picked up a dog by the hind legs and pushed it around like a wheelbarrow: Justin said, "I didn't know there were people fol lowing me around on my 21st birth- 1 UM OR I r HVIZDAK'S PHOTO OF THE WEEK Students at the Rally at the Rotunda in Harrisburg find where the taxpayers money is really going: To Senators Coors, Rock Green Light and Yngling abilities; the Chess Club is strategiz ing, the Chemistry Club is building WMDs, the Biology Club has been genetically engineering super sol diers, the Physics Club just perfected time travel, Lawrence Hall Council has procured the Brig Niagara and several other vessels of similar quali ty. The Fantasy Garners are summon ing beasts from Mordor for the front lines, the Martial Arts Club is prepar ing to train troops in hand-to-hand combat and the Outdoors Club has begun to teach wilderness survival. There is, however, a darker side to the war effort. SGA's Bowl Chive Vick faction has enlisted the aid of the Lion Ambassadors and with them formed a secret police force. They are day." Alex answered my question with a question by saying, "Is that what hap pened in Canada last time I was there?" And Zack laughed at my question, say ing it was funny I made that up because he "Did that two weeks ago." I asked them about stealing candy from babies. Alex said, "Most politi cians do." Justin said he was, "watch ing his weight." And Zack said he "might steel the candy," but he "would n't eat the child." Saying again that that practice has "gone on too long." I asked them about their plans for defense spending, specifically at Knowledge Park, which accounts for 22 percent of Behrend's defense budg et. Justin asked, "Where's Knowledge Park?" Alex told him it was "Up the street and around the corner." Zack Behrend Briefs Holland was hit by a terrorist attack on Wednesday when a terrorist group known as the Undutchables blew up all the windmills in Holland, destroying their water pump infrastructure and flooding the country. Several dikes were also damaged but a small boy broke off several of his own fingers and used them to slow the flooding in a valiant but futile attempt to save his country. His bravery allowed hundreds to escape to higher ground with their lives. The terrorists released a statement saying, "All your tulip are belong to us." Holland's religious reich blamed clog dancing for destroying the country's morals and causing the attack. As a result Eddie Van Halen will have to fight Holland's provi sional government for his right to dance, a la Footloose. Parade fever sweeps Behrend A multitude of parades swept across the Behrend campus Thursday afternoon. Foremost among these was the Beacon/MatchboyAAS/Gamers/Lawrence sponsored St. Patrick's Day parade, or as it has become known, the Awesome Parade. This was the only parade featuring a float, consisting of Jerry Pohl's car, and copious quantities of construction paper and duct tape. The other parades that day were completely overshadowed by the Awesome Parade. Chief among these was the ADD awareness parade. It was scheduled to go from the Zurn building across campus to the Junker center, but a shiny object caused the parade to end before passing the Nick building. Terrorists Sink Holland conscripting all students whether or not they favor the war effort into Behrend's armed forces. Students who resist are never heard from again. They have begun a reign of terror with their extreme pro-Behrend stance, destroying all who oppose them. Among their atrocities includes the silencing of the Behrend Beacon, the last voice to stand against that tide of evil. A small, pro-University Park resist ance movement, allegedly led by renegade assistant news editor Dan Snedden JOURN/PL SC 04, has formed in response to the sadistic Behrend Secret Police and the "absurdity" of the secession move ment. pledged, "Not to increase defense spending by sending Knowledge Park troops overseas." I questioned the candidates about their campaign strategy, asking them if they felt it was easier to fool all of the people some of the time, or some of the people all of the time. Justin said, "I don't like to fool anyone, I'm a good hearted person." Alex responded to that with "There's more than one politician in the room. - And Zack said "How about, 'vote for me and I'll cut tuition in half.' We'll see if that works." I asked each to name the one thing they most hope the voters never find out about them. Justin referred to Question One and Alex referred to Question Two. Zack said, "Politicians are supposed to shake hands and kiss Friday, March 18, 2005 "We don't want to fight our fellow Penn State students, however we can not stand for this reign of terror," said an anonymous source previously affil iated with this publication. "This secession movement claims that it stands for the principles of freedom, but it enslaves it's own people for the war effort. As much as we abhor vio lence our hands have been forced, we have no choice but to stop this mad ness through any means possible." Further bulletins will be provided as soon as The Behrend Propaganda Ministry is informed, until then, it is your duty as a loyal Behrend student to remember that there is one student' body, one SCA, one College. And tht is Behrend. babies but I keep getting them mixed I asked how much money each of them would pay me to vote for them. Justin gave me nothing, saying, "I plan to win you over with my platform." Alex complained that his "Campaign spending limit is only $75." And Zack asked if he could give me "Some little kid's candy instead." I asked them all what the worst thing they could say about their opponents was. Alex said, "Justin wants to sell babies in Bruno's and...who's that other guy?" Justin said, "Opponents? Who said anything about opponents?" Finally, Zack said, "I think I'm the tallest."
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