Page 10 The Behrend Beacon Michael Butala Live Fast, Die Young Everyone has goals in life. Some choose to be rich and successful, some choose to be happy and content, and some choose to get wasted as much as possible, break stuff, and just go nuts. Now there’s nothing wrong with the first two options, if you’re lame, but for my money 1 tend to think that ev eryone in the world should focus on living fast, dying young, and leaving a good-looking corpse behind for people to admire, like James Dean or Elvis Presley. This is also good be cause it will increase the necrophiliac population in the world. There’s no way I'll live to an old age: not with this rock and roll lifestyle I lead. But if 1 died tomor row, I’d be happy...l mean pissed. Not because I’d be dead and leave people behind or whatever. It's just that all the money that I’ve been sav ing would go to waste and all the stuff 1 own that isn’t broken would go to waste. So if I had to die tomorrow, or like sometime soon. I wish I could have done the following things. 1.) Gotta hit up some hookers. You know it buddy. I'm not talking like one or two here. I'm talking like 14 at once, and what do I care? It'll cost a ton but it's better than spend ing it on a headstone. This is also awe some because it would be fun. I'd probably do a lot of coke that night too...coke as in...soda 9 2.) Throw a killer party. Put me in jail after it. 1 don't care. I’m dying soon anyways. At this party there'll be so many washed up celebrities. 1 had a dream last night that I was at my high school and Dennis Haskins (Mr. Bcldingl was signing autographs for his new movie. Paul Reiser would be there along with like Pat Sajack and Jake the Snake. I’d also invite all of St. Mary’s over and have a metric ton of Straub and plugs of Redman for all of the toothless hicks that live there. 3.) Steal Stuff. Not stuff I particu larly want or need. But sometimes you just want to see what you can get away with. I’d end up breaking half of the stuff afterwards anyways. This also includes breaking stuff. Like crazy stuff like window displays, rip ping mannequins heads off. feeling up the female ones, and like smashing like.. stuff, man. 4.) My last dying wish The last thing I want to do is spend a roman tic. candlelit dinner with my beauti ful, wonderful girlfriend. Yeah, right! What I really want to do is build a huge ramp going into a hospital, drink a fifth of Beam, set my ear on tire, and race into the hospital while shoot ing at pedestrians underneath me and die in a huge explosion leveling the hospitals whose debris will kill at least a baker’s dozen on people watching with wonderful spectacle. I figure this would cause some sort of riot where inner-city teens would cause havoc in the streets, peeling people's skin off and looting all local business. This would spawn another revolution of the hard-working middle class who would revolt and attack the inner city kids and eventually that act would lead to the destruction of the world. And YOU want to be “rich and success ful”. As you can clearly see, living fast and dying young IS the w<ay to go. All this time and money your spending to be rich and powerful is being w'asted. When the Live Fast, Die Young revo lution begins all the time and money you've spent will be futile. You can’t stop us; your end is coming and it will be led by a 1991 Honda Civic. “Your revolution is over Mr. Lebowski. The burns lost. Condo- lences!” Friday, Febrewary, 14th, 2003 Ro: jd Some tilings never go out of style: the WNBA, Garbage Pail Kids, and Bosnia Herzegovina are just a few examples. After Sunday night, add one more to that already impressive list: Styx. I know the questions going around the streets and in all the tab loid newspapers: “Do they still have it?” Well. Sister Christian, I’m here to tell you that they can still mystify thousands and make girls very homy indeed. Let me recap my Sunday night for you. I sually on a Sunday night I’m sitting around still nursing a hangover from the day before. I get these hangovers that last all day and all night. However, on this night the only quea smess that I felt was from the total excite ment that Styx, Kansas and John Waite pro vided me and it made me want to puke my guts out. I We arrived at the show; (1 received the I tickets from my girlfriend for Christmas, best Christmas gift since I got the G.l. Joe head- I quarters when I was 8). We W'ere lead by I the usher to the floor. We had 1 () ,h row seats, I which was close enough to almost reach out I and touch the hand. We were sitting by two middle-aged parents who were bomb enough to bring their teenaged daughters with them. I They seemed very well behaved, sober. I About 8-pounders later, the guy was letting | the raunchiest beer farts I have ever smelled, . and the woman was saying the “f" word like 1 it was going out of style. The dad kept grab- 13 art on sobriety A leu revelations I had recently brought about a personal epiphany: My life peaked at age 24 when I went on a cross country road trip with two friends. I have a very small member, I am 38 years old w it h no job. no girlfriend, and no life, I live m my parents basement and make crystal meth in their attic. M\ lot in life is not looking so good at this point St), m order to better myself. 1 have de cided to drink "responsibly." By responsibly I mean 1 will no-longer find myself wearing a neon orange dress. a stuffed bra. and a wig while puk ing out of my car w indow on the side of Route 5 will) church tiaffic whi//mg by on a Sunday af ternoon- while blood drips out of a fresh head wound. In order to keep my sobriety arid my sanity, 1 have found some affordable ways to keep my mind off boo/e. 1.) Get really, really wasted before some- tilinj; important. Hut Bail, vuu'ic saying. "I thought you were gome to tell us alternatives to drinking, not rea- sons to drink more True. Getting really wasted before something important, in addition to being a blast, is a good way to remind yoursell why you're trying to drink responsibly. I recommend gelling wasted be fore a court appearance, church, work, or a blood drive. Try and make a complete and total ass of yourself - every person you piss off by being a drunken moron will help you become a more re sponsible drinker in the future. I recommend getting wasted before something i in p o r taut at least once a week so you will eontinu- ally he reminded is male cow feces Charlie Gaglione (livery time you read the word "freaking," I assure you that I didn't write it. I actually wrote "freaking.") Perhaps you've noticed the absence of my article the last lew issues, probably not, but perhaps Apparently the Beacon deems my articles quote "too offensive" end quote for mass production. Father my article gets canned all together, or by the time it is ed ited it is about as funny as a freakin Ross Lockwood column. You see an editing pro cess is when the man reads the stuff, and even though he dang well knows its freakin’ funny, he has to change it. Otherwise Trigon ‘ ine Humor Page sucks.” “What is this crap?” “This is the . r j-| stupidest thing I ever read!” Don’t talk behind our backs. If you —-*r ~ got a comment or suggestion, tell us, or even submit a column. Behrendßeacon @ hotmail.com. You Lazy Jackass! * You haven’t filled out a Clip Art Tournement Bracket Yet? j • There’s a million extra Beacons down at the office collecting dust; the government stopped buying • * them years ago. So run your ass down here and fill one out. It takes like 10 seconds, you lazy bum. • • You’re in class, anyways. What better things do you have to do? * bing his teenaged daughters and saying, “This is real music, not that (crap) you listen to." It was really funny. He put his arm around me when STYX played “Come Sail Away”. I think he farted too. Let me describe to you how awesome Kan sas was. as well. They started off the set by saying, “Hello Pennsylvania, Welcome to Kansas." I thought it was pretty awesome to say that. How awesome? Pretty awesome! The lead guitar player looked like some sort of aged pirate who was sent to us as a gift, sort of like Encino Man. He was about 350, very old, and had on a black polo shirt and black sweat pants. And to top things off: a pirate patch But that didn stop him froi kicking the doi down and rod ing all the spe< tators unsu pccting asse: The fiddi player was ev> more haggari He looked lif some sort crazy-ass hill billy, but man could he play that fiddle! He looked like someone’s crazy drunken grand father who is cranky cause he has no one to change his Depends. T The lead singer looked like an uglier ver sion of Steve Perry, if you can possibly imag ine that. I know a lot of girls that think Steve Perry is hot, however, which to me remains a bigger mystery than big foot, the I.och Ness monster and Runaway Ralph all combined into one. They finished off their set with “Dust in the Wind” and “Carry On My Wayward Son” which was enough to make one spectator, who was violently playing the air fiddle, fall into ~7. 7 ~ 77" 2.) Masturbation ( Oil! I i, V tlltt I've always masturbated a lot, but being sober or at least less drunk has turned it front a 10 up to an 11. It's tough to do this with a room mate: I suggest you get his or her schedule and designate those times when roomie is in class and you are free as your "wack attack" time. It is wise to ensure that they are fairly consistent in attending class, unless you swing that way and enjoy people walking in on you. (I know I do.) Footnote: If it ever gets old. I recommend try ing one of these timeless classics: "The truckdriver" - pretty self-explanatory. So named due to the hours truck drivers spend look ing down on teenage girls while thinking dirty trucker thoughts and doing their business. "The Stranger" - Sit on your hand for five min utes or so then go to town. It’s like getting busy with someone else! "The Lefty" - If you're right handed, try switching from right to left, or vice versa if you hat lefty. Effect similar to "The Stranger" 3. Get into a relationship: Relationships reduce alcohol intake twofold. at least for me: the only girls who will sleep with me are so incredibly unattractive 1 have to get wasted in order to have sex with them - having a girlfriend eliminates this. Secondly, with a steady piece, you’ll have better things to do than get drunk, like watch midget porn, then have kinky sex in cheap motel rooms. 4. Make fun of the Humor page staff: Butala used to play Magic: The Gathering and his manhood is smaller than mine. I know. I have pictures. (Pictures of his penis, not him playing Magic) Butala is one of those people who only likes things that suck and thinks anything that is cool sucks. You follow? For example, Butala is will burn something down and tie themselves to railroad tracks until the humor page is freakin shafted. In an original article (of not only my ow n. but of my fellow humor page writers) You might find the phrase "freakin heck", but when its edited they change it to "freakin heck". Sometimes "female dog" is changed to "female dog." Or the time 1 wrote: "girls who don't shave their cat need to get with the freakin program!", it was changed to: "Girls who don't shave their CAT need to get with the FREAKIN program." Which just sounds silly. But then the entire sentence is cut out for fear that the animal rights group w ill go around shaving people saying "How do you like it!" And then bum something down. Often times when there is no politically cor rect word to replace an offensive one, they change the entire premise of a story. Ex ample- I was so dizzy after drinking too much water on Saturday night, that 1 barely remem ber that girl sitting on my throbbing chair. Famous Canadians Month why you are committed to drinking re sponsibly. the isle. He got right back up and kept play- ' ing like nothing happened. That is the power I that drinking a lot of beers will give you. | John Waite was all right, but he was too | British for me. I think that if you ARB Brit- . ish. you should have to say "wanker" at least once every few sentences. He failed to do I this, so I won't talk much about him. | Then Styx came out. They had a big car- I rot as their background to the stage. I never i really got that, but I later figured it out in the show: they all like carrots a lot. It makes I sense. Carrots are good for your vision and | none of the members of Styx have glasses. I So I assume that is why they like them so t ~uch. I couldn’t complain . out anything in their set. 1 tey played all of the clas- I .s with the exception of | Mr. Roboto " But can you I tme them; it cost them , llions of dollars in coke oney! They played a I luple of new songs, which | i one wanted to hear, but I ■oral 1 all of the classics i :re played. The grand fi le was “Renegade" which ‘ culminated in confetti fall- I ing on the crowd. 1 think that is w hen one of I the guitar players waved at me. That is the | last thing I remember because 1 fainted. . On a side note, old people really know 1 how to party. As the one guy was telling I me, kids our age don't know anything about | music or anything about partying and he is I right. I WISII I knew how to party like some i of the people I saw on Sunday night. Most of us party for sport, part) ing for them was a I way of life. In conclusion, I want to parly in | the late 70s early XOs. | in love w itti Mighty Ducks 2. ()r may he 2.1 don*! know, tlie*\ ‘re all pretty lame, well except lor the tact Lmilio Hsteve/ is in the first one and his brother Charlie Sheen has a legendary appetite for coke, hookers, and porn stars. Titus has a really ratty Cubs hat and we all know the Cubs suck. He also has man-boobs. Ben Cra/y thinks he's too cool to join HKA. I don't know the rest of the staff but I'm sure they are as lame as the rest of the staff. 5.) Make fun of Krie: This is always an easy target it's kind of like picking on the smelly chunky kid with glasses m \our 6rd grade class who laughed at all of his own unfunnv jokes and stuttered every time he said anything remotely phallic (cu. cu.. cu-.-cum ..mmmni. her). But. it \oure leelmg down ul you are sober then you gotta be) Trie is a nice easy target. Here are a lew commenls/obxeixalions about Erie you can expand on. but feel free to come up with your own. The possibilities are endless. Erie is the one of the last cities where it is per fectly acceptable to w ear camouflage to a funeral. 102.3 "The Point" lias a Stvx cone of the dav flic biggest topic of discussion at watercool ers across Erie is the Srorpions/Whtlc Snake/ Dokken concert. If America needed an enema they'd stick the hose in Erie Mullets are worn with pride. Dale Earnhardt is a god. and the '7X Trans AM special edition w ith T-tops with the bird on the hood is consid ered the finest machine to ever grace the high- Seriously though. I'm glad there are still freakin people out there who are passion ate about their freakin cause. Sarcasm. Hiller had a cause. If there were more people passionate about ridding the world of evil, we would be living in a freakin para dise, free of naughty language, gratuitous sex. and other offensive things, like pup pies. flowers, sunlight, ruffics, and heroin. Sarcasm. I mean, somebody has to regu late what Joey Van Reads-A-Urt is sub jected to every time he opens the Beacon. Sarcasm. Well yeah if he doesn't like what he sees he could close the paper, or simply close his eye lids. Not Sarcasm. But that would make the world to liberal. Sarcasm. Someone has to take a stand. Sarcasm, not me. I'm to lazy, not Sarcasm, but someone. I think all those freaking cats should suck a chair, go to heck, and quit ruining every one else's fun. Michael Butala, Humor Page Editor behrco!ls @ aol.com r—————— ti Honey Suckel Flannel I This weeks Boozehound is | I Honey Suckel Flannel.* j After partaking in many. | alcoholic beverages, j I H.S.F spiked a cantelopel J on the ground, puked four* ■ times and fell into the* | shower, ripping the faucet j I off the tub. He put up a I J hell of a chase around his! I house, stumbling on damn j I near anything in his path. I I This is not an attempt to glorify alco * hoi. it is merely a depiction ol some of I the possible outcomes, till negative, in | the use and the abuse of alcohol. The I humor page urges you to not partake in 1 excessive alcohol consumption anti just ■ because it is on the humor page tloes J not make it limns. Alcoholism is a ter * rible disease and if you know of a silu- I ation that shows the poor outcomes of I alcoholism. email them to I Ifeltrendlfcaconfa'hotmail.com • "Fop "Fen • Valentine’s presents to : get a girl • 10.) A case of beer - this is good s cu/ most girls can't drink a case • alone so yon get the half she • doesn't think * 9.) Indian Rubs - The hurt anti she • he vulverable and insecure; that’s , when you make your move. • 8.) Sex - It's free and fun. • 7.) Condoms - Use these. • 6. ) A DVT) you really want to see • - That way you can see Van * Damme all you want when you're • at her place while she's doing her # hair and talking on the phone and • having PMS. worthless dame! • 5.) Nothing - Fake a death in the • family and say you have to go • home for an emergency. She’ll be " so concerned she’ll forget all about • it. * 4.) Something you own that’s • been broken for years - All you • gotta say is, “Sorry baby, it broke * on the way here. 1 love you.’’ • 3.) Nothing II - Tell her that you * guys talked about it when you • were drunk and you agreed not to # get each other anything and look • surprised when she gives you her • gift. • 2.) Fireball Island - This board • game is awesome. You gotta see J it to believe it. • 1.) The Miracle Rlade with the • Perfection Juicer - A little pricey • but it's awesome to see a pineapple • sliced in half in mid-air and turn- * ing an apple inti a cup.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers