The Behrend Beacon • X 0 01 7 1 ? A wise man once told me, .;'4l , ' • "Why don't you try writing an article Michael Butala sober?" Well, I'm not about to start now, so here it goes. Please pardon if the spelling and grammar increasingly get worse as the article pt()grCY,CS My school year has been a lot different than past semesters l'in taking 10 credits of management classes and I'm in freshmen seminar, don't ask. I also have a lot of time to sit and gander at all the stupid, moronic Neanderthals plaguing the campus which my tuition proudly pays for. So without further hesitation, let me give you a run down of all the stupid idiots I'm unjustly exposed to daily Management 3(X) This class isn't too bad, actually. I spend a lot of time writing Ben Kweller or Pixies lyrics on the desk. Mr. I3estoso is pretty rad, too. The only problem I have with this class in general is this stupid broad who has the worst laugh known to man. It's a cross between a broken record and an S&M porno flick. It's really not that bad, except she laughs every time anyone opens their mouth. My group and I thought we should leave a note on her desk that promptly says, "Shut up or don't come to class." Management 310 Okay, granted I didn't take the prerequisite for this class. Granted, I'm not the smartest person at this school, several can vouch for that. But in this class, oh my god, this one broad asks questions on the most trivial problems. I swear, one was simple subtraction. Also, there is this one guy, he's like a million years old, and thinks he's some sorta hotshot or something. He's got a wise-ass comment for everything. And not wise-ass comments like "Why did communism fail?" They are like really ttipid ones that I won't go into detail with. He's lame, to say the (cast. BA 243 Oh, what a class. I swear we have Behrend cesspool of idiots in there. All they ever do is debate on the dumbest things. Like, "Was Henry Ford a bad man?" First of all, who cares. He's rotting with Tupac. There's always a few slackers that doze off in the back with me, though. Today, actually, we watched a movie and l was talking during it and blurted out something pertaining to the head on the male genitalia in normal conversation. Again don't ask why. And that's when there was a break in the movie and everyone heard me say it. Freshman Seminar You gotta be kidding me. Okay, first off there are three girls in this class, which is the new record high for my engineering classes. Of course, one girl thinks she's better than everyone in the rest of the class. Another one thinks she's way too important and that she the goddess of everything. Actually, she's really hot but her attitude makes me want to break her legs. I spend a lot of time in Bruno's and you should see the idiots that cross this threshold. First off, I know I'm not the next Don Juan but I saw this girl. Granted, her face was a little messed up but after a few beers, who really pays attention vi?-thg stuff. glq all, beauty is only a light switch away. Needle - ss to say ittewas with this character that resembled Kevin Smith. Needless to say, she should he grabbing on my junk instead of his. What can I say? I'm a man-whore. Then I see this chach wearing plaid shorts. This is a tip for all the people out there. Plaid short weren't cool in fourth grade and they're not cool now. It's like a bad joke such as "Why did the women cross the road?" "Who cares, what's she doing out of the kitchen.- Have you seen these modern day sandals? These things are harder to figure out than broads. I swear, these things have more strap ons than a lesbian porno. The whole point of sandals is convenience, so why complicate them, hippy bastards. I also can't stand people who wear shirts that say "nerd" or "I eat glue". And you know what? You are a nerd, so ditch your dirty Nike Ili-Tops and get a life. And lastly. I hate people who wear Hawaiian shirts around us. We're in Erie. not Honolulu. So get the hell out of hear and don't wear that ugly shirt unless you're at a luau. So, if you have any problems about what I said, guess what? You suck, leave me alone. Your mom told me when I woke up with her this morning that you were a mistake I, like most Americans am very gullible. I remember being a young strapping lad and seeing commercials for He-man's castle Grayskull and nearly flipping out. Then when I got it, I realized that it wasn't all that. Flash forward 15 years. I am still prepubscent, but I'm in college. I still see commercials, and think that things look badder ass than they actually are. I just saw a commercial for The book or Mormon on a commercial break from Amercian Gladitors. I was converted!! I went and married six women, then I realized that being a Mormon stunk. Last year my friends and I were watching the movie "Bad News Bears." It wasn't the one where they went to Japan or China or any of those other countries. It was the one where they played in the Astrodome. It was a thrilling movie. Anyways, there was this portly adolescent. lie liked to eat, and he like to take wicked dumps. I guess there is some sort of stereotype where fat people like to dump more than regular people. One theory on why this would happen is because since they eat so much more food than regular people, they have to excrete it out or else they will explode. This makes sense, in a strictly plutonic way. The kid couldn't go more than two scenes in the movie without taking a hardcore dump. He also ate constantly. He combined the two rather unrelated activities of eating and crapping into l one entity. This is where I come into play. In the one scene, he is eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and dropping off the Cosby kids at the local swimming pool. You would think that seeing this would repulse me. But no, it intrigued me. For some reason, seeing this half naked kid on the toilet eating KFC made me want chicken really bad. Within a half and hour, I was at KFC, eating chicken strips. I just broke wind as I was writing this. I'm also drinking alcohol. Have you ever seen the infomercial for the Miracle Blade and perfection juicer? Damn, Gina, those are some good knives!! They threw this pineapple up in the air and sliced it right in half with the Miracle Blade. It was like a ninja or a pirate or something. You should have seen how messed up that pineapple was. Then they proceeded to cut through pipes with the blade. This is highly impractical. Unless you are in prison. These knives would be great for prison. You could just cut through the bars. All this for only $39.99. I'm not a huge fan of knives, but at that price how could you turn it down? It's better than a kick in the face or a poke in the eye, tell you that much. Ross Lockwood And I haven't even got to the miracle juicer. It's not a miracle like Jesus walking on water, but its close. They put this apple into the juicer and then they turned it real hard and, shazam, it turned into an apple cup. My question: What happened to the rind in the apple? Did it just disappear? That's why they call it the miracle juicer, cause rinds just disappear into thin air, or even thick air. Needless to say, I giggled like a naughty little school boy. On an unrelated note, I don't think being a garbage man would be such a bad job. You get paid a decent amount and all you have to is pick up garbage and put it into the truck. You could probably find some real cool stuff, too. It smells, yeah. Have you ever noticed that no matter what you mix in the garbage it always smells the same? I like to call it "garbage juice." My apartment smells like someone blew up a sewage treatment plant. It's horrible. Li a I Don't Like You um r v E Friday, September 27, 2002 Ben Foote 1. The Antigravity Beer Bong - How many times have you been bonging a beer and thought to yourself, "Man, I wish I was upside down?" I am constantly thinking about it. This invention could be the ultimate fusion between keg stand and beer bong. I'm not exactly sure how it would work, but that's not the point. It just has to. Plus, I've never seen anyone puke standing on their head. That'd be cool too. 2. The Exploding Cell Phone This is more of a convenience rather than an invention. But I'm sure you'll agree with me. cell phones suck. They suck bad. When was the last time that you saw someone with a cell phone and were impressed? I mean, nowadays, every dirtball who walks the Earth can afford a cell phone. It's no longer a status item. On top of that, they annoy everyone around you whether your're driving, or just walking to class. Everywhere you used to be able go on campus that was scenic and quiet is now occupied by someone on their damn cell phone. The idea for this invention is a button that I could push that would make everyone's cell phone ring at the same time, and cause them to explode a few seconds later, seriously injuring the ear of everyone with a cell phone. Hey, it's a dream. 3. Vitamin Beer Whats the one thing wrong with beer today? Well, besides the fact that it contains a lot of empty calories, it dehydrates you. My proposition here is to make a brand of beer that not only gets you completely tanked, but also supplies your body with the nutrients and vitamins that it so badly needs. This way, when you go out and party, you'll be getting all your daily allotments of vitamins A through zinc. Also, if it would be possible, make the beer rehy drate you, as well. It can't be that hard, can it? 4. Laser Pistols I'm not a big advocate of violence, or guns, or anything like that, but I'm kinda mad about this. We still kill things with guns that follow the same basic design pattern as the ones Davy Crockett used to kill Indians. I mean, there hasn't been any real innovation here since the rifled barrel(laser scope not inclued.) I think it's time that we get some Demolition Man style weapons. Something with a little more scientific zing to it. We need a laser pistol, or something more akin to Buck Rogers standards. I mean, the Star Trek timeline isn't that far off from where we are today. So I plead, make us some new guns to shoot stuff with! It would appear that in order to become the super civilization of the future, we only need 4 things. Pretty ironic, but I couldn't very well have made this a top 4 list, so for number 5, I've decided to just take this time to thank the makers of videogames. Videogames are pretty sweet, so I can only hope that they get better in the future. COMMENTS??? A girl at Penn State Behrend: I enjoyed the Humor page thoroughly. A Humor page Editor: I'd like to enjoy you in bed thoroughly. OM itIOUNGIMAJIMIA Q. What kind of Bees gives milk?? A BOOBIES!!!! THE MAGIC OF ADVERTISING Tot) 5 Inventions I Need Consider today's modern conveniences: the pencil, the TV, the compact disc player, and so on. These things are all sort of nice, and yes, they do make our lives somewhat easier. But what about the really great things? The things we need that would take our society light years into the future. I have listed, in order of importance, the following five inventions that we need to live in the future, now. - Ross Lockwood, Humor Page Editor (M.Butala, Humor Page Co-Editor) • 1 Add 144 ounces of a beer and a long Tues day night of Humor Page editing and what do you get? The crap you're reading right now. This week's Boozehounds of the Week go to the Humor Page editors. Granted it isn't the most insane drinking exhibition, but no one ever submits Boozehound. To sub mit a Boozehound of the Week, email to I ithmitxmm@Mrmtkm. Top 10 Things That Are Kinda Cool, But Not Reall Eating a can of frosting Seeing girls with "plumber crack" Butala Hand Action Roadkill Dry Humping Party Ball Races Viper of the American Gladitors Unicorns Camel Toes
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