Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor behrcoll2@aol.com Wolfman got nards! I have noticed a disturbing trend recently on the No, its not that - everything on t a d it sucks, I’ve known that for ROSS Lockwood quite some time. What’s the deal with all these dating shows? At last count there is “Dismissed,” “Shipmates,” “Rendezvous,” “Elimi-date,” “Blind Date” and “The Fifth Wheel.” They make them sound like the best thing since the cumquat. Why the hell would anyone want to watch any of this dung? If I wanted to see pathetic low lifes acting like facsimilies of horse asses I would just go to apartment 104 at anytime during the day. It’s the same thing everytime; they get some really hot dumb girl and some freaking dumbass “dude” and they have really boring conversation until one of them gets drunk and they make out in the hot tub. I can see that everyday. It pisses me off in real life, and it pisses me off on T.V. too. My least favorite of the bunch is “Dismissed.” I do like it slightly better than “Undressed,” but since that isn’t really a dating show I won’t get into it. They get the absolute most retarded teeny boppers possible for this show. Then they go out on some lame date to like a horse ranch or a Ferris wheel or something. If it was my choice for a date, it would be in my smelly apartment with a case of Old German then down to Brunos for a chicken spazmo, on me, of course. Well anyway, the two girls fighting over the one lame dude end up hating each other and don’t care what the guy is saying, just as long as they beat this other “bitch” which they hate, even though they never met. Whichever girl ends up acting like the loosest mama wins. And the girls are so stupid. One time this girl was like, “He is so spiritual, I think he has a deep connection with nature and the universe.” They flashed the camera to the dude, and his response was, “Dude, did you see the rack on her! She’s got a banging body!” I heard the worst pickup line ever on that show and amazingly it worked. The guy said to the girl, “hey baby, I see you got a tongue ring. What’s up with that?” And she immediately started to make out with him. Seeing his success, I tried the line on a few of my female friends who had tongue rings. No making out, just utter confusion on their parts. I did see something really interesting on “Elimidate” the other day though. I think it quite possibly was the best episode ever. It started out with the date at the girls house. Her parents were there, too, which is a strange place to take four people you are on a date with. Well, anyways, the one guy tells the girls’ parents that everyone in high school called him “homo” because his last name was Homotastki. The date proceeds from the parent’s house to you guessed it, a kick ass, S&M goth bar, complete with whippings, leather, and nipple clamps. It was pretty rocking. My favorite of the bunch, and that’s not saying much, is “Blind Date.” The only reason I like it the best is that it never, ever works out. Another reason is someone always ends up getting really drunk. Also when the guy looks at the girl’s boobs they always seem to notice, and they make fun of it on national TV. They always match the two worst people up, I really think they do it on purpose. They’ll get like a pervert “Star Wars” freak and make him go out with some coked goth whore on the pill with a tattoo of the Grim Reaper riding on a motorcycle naked with a cigarette drinking a fifth of whiskey on fire flipping everyone off dragging a skunk with its guts flying out behind him,with hilarous results. I’ve actually seen a date that only lasted five minutes and then the girl walked out. I don’t blame her though, the guy was asking for “kissys for his kitty.” Ross’s next article will appear when ever he quits getting hammered every Wednesday at JD and Squirrels. I Pizza has been a mainstay at college I campuses since colleges began. Back in 1262 I when Ben Franklin and Christopher | Colombus established the First University in | Wooster, Ohio, their students rioted within | three days of the beginning of the semester. | “We don’t have any pizza!” they shouted. I “What the hell is pizza?” asked Ben Franklin ! who was too busy inventing the light bulb to worry about such trivialities. I “We don’t know either, but we really want I some!” Shouted the students. I | The students then beat Chris and Ben to | death with baseball bats, threw a three week | long kegger/orgy, then all dropped out of ■ school to work at gas stations | and do lots of coke. I , After five years I A research, the I Baldwin brothers | ' * -JPyB perfected the | £ x newfangled I cuisine known as I Ben Kundman “pizza” and I K/ |%| • I I - AumlaJUe • s WhisKey! j . jJfodM** 1 li patty oasadia*/ i • Joshua Hunter Miller: • Apprentice Taxidermist • “Mah wife Susie-Mae done left me fer dat feller • up tha road cuz he done had him a douple • wide. I done told her with only 15 more disabil • ity checks I’d buy us a sweet new double wide. I She didn’t care none though. I was gunna cut • ‘er but then I heard bout that It’s Whiskey, and I I been drunk ever since WHOOOOOUIH. ” • It’s Whiskey is available in fifths and half gallons at any state store and in any local phar • macy as “It’s Whiskey: Chewable Kids’ Vitamins featuring Boozy Bill!” Buy some today! • • • A bar veteran by Ben Kundman Town Drunk Hi. I’m a bar veteran. One time I went to Jimmy Z’s on quarter night and Jeff the cook was working door. I pulled out my dollar for cover and my ID. Jeff looked at me, laughed, and said, “I don’t need to see that. You’re here more often than I am!” I’m not claiming to be an expert on bars - I’m no Mitch Buchanan - but I have been around the bar scene enough to know a thing or two. Drinking Drink as much as you can, then drink some more. Like sex, pizza, and “The Simpsons,” when drinking booze too much is never enough. Get to the bar early when there is no crowd so you can get nice and sloshed without having to elbow your way through hordes of people for a beer. Try and go during happy hour - they have free food at a lot of Erie bars. We all know how once you start drinking you usually forget about eating. Drink as much as you can throughout the night. Make sure you can still “handle” yourself, though. It is very critical to keep your upper body relatively perpendicular to the floor or else the bartender may become wise to your level of intoxication and cut you off. When cut off, ask another bartender for a drink, or if that doesn’t work, go to another bar. Rounds If your buddy buys a round, that doesn’t mean that he just sold a pound of coke and is looking to be charitable to all of his friends. Buy the next one, cheapo. Tipping Everyone has their own ideas about tipping. I always tip quite well (all of my change for every drink or a random buck) because of the improved service that results from tipping. NOTE: Whenever drinking mixed drinks, it is absolutely Aldi’s product review I don’t really know what to say about Aldi’s Self Rising Crust Supreme Pizza except the only way it could have possibly tasted worse is if I had eaten it immediately after performing a prostate exam without washing my hands. The crust tasted like cardboard, the toppings had the consistency of rubber, and the sauce tasted more like cow dung than frappe’ tomatoes I am reminded of the saying, “Pizza is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.” In the case of Aldi’s Self Rising Crust Supreme Pizza, the sex would be with a 300 lb Tijuana hooker named Susie who hasn’t seen the inside of a shower since the Clinton administration. Aldi’s Self Rising Crust Supreme Pizza As Splinter once said “I believe the E for effort, F for quality expression is...Cowabunga!” Cowabunga shares his infinite wisdom imperative that you tip the bartender extremely well. Unless a bartender is amazingly surly (surly bartenders make stiff-ass drinks because they want you to get drunk and leave them alone), tipping a dollar on the first drink and SO cents to a dollar on each subsequent drink is crucial in maintaining a steady flow of well-made drinks. Fighting There are two kinds of bar fights: dirty and really dirty. The most important thing to remember when fighting in a bar is that there are usually no rules, only suggestions. Suggestion 1: Don’t mess with bouncers. Bouncers get paid to fight. Even if they look like your chubby uncle Ted, they can probably still kick the crap out of you and all of your friends. Suggestion 2: Always drink bottles. Drafts, although a relative bargain compared to bottles, are worthless in a fight. Breaking a beer bottle over someone’s head is a great way to provide the needed time to grab a pool stick or run like hell. Suggestion 3: Size up your opponent. When I say “Size up your opponent” I don’t mean look at the build of the person you are about to fight. In bar fights, your opponent isn’t the guy who started with you, but rather everyone in the bar he knows. Count your friends, count his friends, subtract, and make sure you are above 0. Suggestion 4: When the going gets rough, run like hell. There is nothing cowardly about running from a light. I’ve been doing it since I was 12. Just make sure you sucker them (see suggestion 2) before you take off so you look cool for a second. Suggestion S: Never mess with guys who have tattoos on their neck. Picking up girls Pick up lines rarely work on girls at a bar. You have to be really smooth. If a girl is standing opened the first accredited university in 1266. Areas of study were agriculture, botulism, blood letting, and buggery. indeed, Splinter. And as we all know, those Mutant Turtles really love pizza. I don’t know how well they’d fair against a couple of slices of Aldi’s Pizza though - even though they were raised in a sewer by a giant rat they would still probably be repulsed by this poor excuse for sustenance. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles like pizza. Homer Simpson likes pizza (I’ll assume so based on the fact that a.) he loves beer, and b,) he is a gluttonous fool.) You like pizza. We all like pizza. Unfortunately, Aldi’s hates all of us so they make extremely horrible Self Rising Crust Supreme pizza. Screw Aldis. Robert Neddyhouser, Neurosurgeon “When I’m performing crazy loboto mies and removing giant brain tumors and stuff, all I need is steady hands and a hot nurse. It’s Whiskey makes my hands steady and ANY nurse looks hot. ” right next to a guy, wait until he turns around or goes to the bathroom then give her a little tap on the butt and tell her how much the guy she is with sucks. If group of women are sitting somewhere quiet, sit down with them and tell them anything they want to hear. The more you lie the more they will like you. Girls alone are usually waiting for their gigantic boyfriend Mott or have an STD. Steer clear. The dance floor is for those with what is known as “rhythm.” If you have none, steer clear or else bust out a “classic” dance move such as The Roboto, the vogue, the lawnmower, or my personal favorite, crazy lassoing guy. On a side note, what I love doing to girls at really loud bars is walking up to them and saying something to the effect of (but much more graphic) "I want to have sex with you in a naughty place right now!” Being an extremely loud bar, of course the lady in question can’t hear a word 1 say. When she screams “WHAT!” in my ear, I lean over and say something to the effect of “You have beautiful eyes!” That always works wonders. Back to picking up girls. I’m probably the last person you want to go to for dating advice. I only hit on women when I’m tanked and the only person I’ve successfully picked up from a bar was a 37 year old cocktail waitress with three kids and IS teeth named Shelia. Hitting on bartenders Female bartenders are like nuns - everyone wants to get with one, but no one can. Female bartenders have heard every pick up line from every guy on the face of the earth. NO matter how much bling you have, how big the A-F logo on your striped overpriced fake rugby jersey is, no matter how “hot,” “smooth,” or “buff’ you are, they have been hit on by someone richer, wittier, and better looking than you. The Behrend Beacon Top Ten Things that I Don’t Get By: Mike Butala 10.) If I promised to mention two broads in the paper and did it now, could I get a threesome? Darcy and Carol rule! 9.) Velcro. No one knows how this works but it does and it's awesome stuff. And when I say “awesome" I mean “totally sweet”. 8.) Why people who play Magic: The Gathering wear black. Maybe it helps them summon the forest druids or something. 7.) Diet Dr. Pepper. If it taste more like regular Dr. Pepper, get rid of regular Dr. Pepper, but that’s bullshift anyways cuz it don’t taste the same. G.) If up is down anddown is up, do you thrown Gown and fight people when you drink too much and throw up when someone steals your wtillm? 5.) If the seasons are opposite in the southern hemisphere, would Santa get really drunk and drink Jim Beam? 4.) If you can pick your friends and if you can pick your nose, why does, everyone get mad when you pick your nose? They should just be happy you’re not picking theirs. 3.) If Johnny and Suzy are related and if Johnny has three apples, and Suzy has two apples, is it still inbreeding if they do it behind the bam? 2.) If you should treat others like you wish to be treated, is it gay to give another guy oral sex? 1.) If mass can’t be created or destroyed, why is it that all broads in college gain 30 pounds and no broads lose 30 pounds? Page
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers