Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
behrco!l2 @ aol.com
Ride a Cockhorse*
to Banbury Cross,
Butala
I’m sure that many of you saw \
the filth that was passed off as an
article last week. It was titled
“People I Hate” by Mike
Butala. He may have ,-jjf ?
offended many people with wf.*/-' -Sr JnHHRHb
his belittling comments. ROSS Lockwood
Many of you may have the impression that Butala is cool,
but he’s not, he’s a tool shed, (see Figure 1) Maybe not a
tool shed, but surely somewhere where tools are stored.
So if you were offended by his comments, don’t be. There
is a little known secret abotit Butala that I am going to let
you all in on: He is one of the worst human beings 1 have
ever met.
One of the most annoying things about Butala is his
extreme cheapness. Now I know most of us have to be
somewhat miserly since we are in college, but Butala takes
it to pathetically new lows. A perfect example of this would
be the one day that we ordered pizza. The total came to $9
and some odd change. When Butala went to pay with a
ten dollar bill, the delivery boy informed him that he had
no change. To most people this would be no big deal A
tip of less than $1 isn’t exactly a great tip. The fact that he
even asked for change back is somewhat insulting. Yet,
this infuriated Butala. We went to a party that night and
he told everyone, most people four or five times. Of course
no one really cared.
But if you think that is bad, it’s bei
than his normal tip of a handful
Canadian change. As we all kn<
Canada is a waste of a country and
money is worthless. It is a bai
wasteland of lumberjacks and dog
racing.
Another aspect that rubs me the wrong way
is Butala’s extreme laziness. He is lazier than a sloth stuck
in molasses in January with mono. A typical day for Mike
would go like this: He wakes up at 2:30 p.m. after a long
night of drinking in his room by himself. He tries to do
homework, but gets distracted by drawing pictures of
penises on his notebook. He laughs hysterically to himself.
He then goes and visits his “friends”, starting each
conversation with “Can I get a Butterfmger?” or “Will you
go buy me a Chicken Spazmo at Bruno’s?” After this, he
goes back to his place to drink by himself or with his
juvenile roommates. After they are good and drunk, around
3 a.m., they decide to make some really good prank calls
along the lines of “Is your refrigerator running?” often
2 repeating the same call up to 10 times. Or maybe he passes
* out face first in a snowdrift. One of his “friends" may
pick him up and carry him to his apartment, putting him in
his roommate’s bed. Then he gets up takes a swing at his
“friend” falling down a flight of steps and hitting a wall,
knocking himself unconscious. His “friend” then puts him
back in his roommate’s bed. Pretty nice thing for a “friend"
to do? I thought so too. How does Butala pay his “friend"
back? By pouring a bucket of ice-cold water on his head
at 8 in the morning, then running away.
Maybe I am being a little hard on Butala. I mean he
does have some redeeming qualities. Like, for example,
his sister is really hot. That is really the only reason that I
am nice to him, or continue to be friends with him. I
have this re-occurring dream of his sister an 1 running on
the beaches in Mexico. It’s delightful.
‘Cockhorse is not a dirty word. We swear
to God. Go ahead, look it up.
Lockwood’s column will appear again.
Snow predicted for the
next 11 months
Erie Speak: Yes, it has
mild winter so far.
Translation: The lake
frozen over.. .we’re doot
Erie Speak: I’ve lived
my whole life. I know
drive in the snow.
Translation:
numerous winter escape w
attempt; have failed.
Well, let’s get to it. I’ve been told this is a humor
column, so I assume I should say something funny.. .but
you know what happens when we assume don’t you.. .ass!
I figured that maybe I should tell everyone a story about
a dream that I had a few nights ago.
A few nights ago I had a dream.. .get it.
It is my belief that each person has a particular smell
she/he can claim exclusive rights to. I had this friend a
long time ago, she smelled just like a bacon cheeseburger
meal. Probably because she worked at McDonalds, you
know that Irish food joint. Anyway, I was out one day
mailing some stamps to my friend Sam (he’s a stamp
collector,) and I stepped on a lottery ticket. It wasn’t a
winning ticket or anything, but there was a $5O bill taped
to the back of it, and a phone number written on the bill.
“Charlene 217-8469.”
I figured that Charlene was either a courtesan, or the
person who dropped this ticket was a stud. And hey, I’ve
no problem with professionals, so I called the number.
Much to my surprise Charlene was not a hustler at all, m
fact it wasn’t even her place. As it turns out, it was some
enraged Behrend student, who was extremely frustrated
that someone had desecrated his phone line.
That’s understandable, I mean what kind of sick joker
Figure 1
jAldi’s Product R
■ By Mike Butala
I This week I will be reviewing Casa Mamita Salsa, (see figure
* I) First off, 1 hate Aldi’s and I hate salsa, so why did I choose to
■ write a review for this horrible product? Beats me. I mean as
■ far as salsa goes, I guess it isn’t bad for the price, $1.29. It’s
I kinda like when you buy cheap liquor, you don’treally expect it
I to be any good, but it still does the job. When purchasing the
| salsa, make sure all pre-purchasing ideals are met, such as the
I safety button being down. Speaking of safety be safe about
■ your clothes at Behrend. My friend, Jess “No Pants”
■ Neidermeyer (see figure 2) was out this weekend when she
* triced that part of her
ints were stolen by a
ident. This was not an
dated incident because
ter that night I noticed a
rl with part of her shirt
issing and the buttons
:re missing from a shirt
another. Since I am not
le for glancing at
jantily clad broads, yeah
iFiqure 2: Jess “No Pants” Neidermeyer n B ht * Cameron
I a Shuck and I
V——————————
Quotable Quotes
Compiled by: Ross Lockwood
[■very once in a blue moon, you will come across a
quote that moves you. It might move you to tears. It
might make you to do something helpful for man
kind, like helping an old bum buy a bottle of Mad
Dog 20/20. They may inspire you to do something
constuctive like build a log cabin, join a fraternity
(like ZBT), or join a group of modem day pirates,
pillaging on international waters. If you are going to
do this I recommend bringing lots of lemons or
oranges. Or something with Vitamin C in it, due to
ihe whole scurvy deal.
Do you want to see your dad naked?”
-Butala’s Dad to Butala
Hey. go get me those chips out of the garbage.”
-Steve Hlopick
"Do you want to make love on the computer?”
-John Snatchelder
"It’s not college, it’s a Catholic boot camp.”
-Cliff the Janitor
"N.W.A? Oh, you mean National Women’s
Association.”
“You’re yelling ‘sex’ and I’m on the phone with my
60 year old aunt.”
"The garbage can was full, so I thought I would just
throw up on the floor.”
“He's a porn star, and when I say star, I mean STAR!”
-Ryan “Slim” Reinhardt
brings someone’s personal telephone number into public
domain?
But, I don’t spend too much time pondering this
question. We hav<? more important things to do, like
figuring out how to find this Charlene chick! If any of
you have any information on the whereabouts, of Charlene
please notify me. I can be reached at 217- 7012. Or send
a note to my address:
z Miguel Sanchez apt. 1003
PSU Erie/The Behrend College
6081 Jordan Rd
Erie Pa. 16510.
I was wondering, if you were to write a valid address
on the back of a stamp, would it get to where you’re trying
to send it?
But, back to my dream: OK, I’m something like across
between 007, and Shaft. I’m trying to escape this room
that my archenemy Dr. Linear Thought has previously
locked me into. So, with my hands tied behind me, I
stretch for my lucky Zippo which is in my back pocket.
Then I begin to bum the...
That’s all for this week. What are you upset about?
Dickens wouldn’t have told you what was going to
happen!
Finally, I would like to present you with my quote of
the week, brought to us by my good friend Dr. Strangelove:
“Yep, tonight is a night when [extra-stout women] get
[courted by young gentlemen]”
gottagogottagoseeyawhenlseeya
Miguel Sanchez
Sanchez’s column will appear whenever he finds
Charlene.
-Steve Hlopick
-Matthew “Snacks” Baker
-Ross Lockwood
that we would not rest until the bandit was apprehended. That |
night, Mr. Shuck fell asleep, obviously not concerned for well- |
being of “No Pants” Neidermeyer. I, on the other hand, need sleep |
badly. It’s been nearly a week and I have no leads. Mr. Shuck |
doesn’t need any sleep, however he could use a fifth of bourbon. If ■
you can help either of us, please let use know by calling 1-800 •
4NO-PANTS. So in conclusion, watch your clothes when you go
out, and buy Casa Mamita Salsa (-sin(pi) out of 5) for your Super-
Bowl party for your friends. Just make sure you have a bottle of I
that Chi Chi’s salsa for yourself. \
swore
Tom Winchell
has watched and enjoyed “The Princess Diaries”
that bad?^)
Disney movies as much as any
one on this campus, or do I, but there's
a distinct line you do not cross and on
January 11th, 2002, Thomas Paul
Winchell crossed that line by watching
"The Princess Diaries." When
prompted for a statement regarding the
subject, he replied, "It wasn’t that bad."
I for one am not buying it. I'm not sure
what his New Year's resolution was, but
its safe to say it wasn't "stop watching
chick flicks and crummy movies".
....iSWPSJf,.,
PWNCfSS
To the person who called P&S about snowboarders on
the ski slope (featured in last week’s P&S report) -
Who do you think you are? The fun police? Are you
some kind of uncoordinated fpo) or a disgruntled
skier? Get a life. This is a college campus. Oh
wait, they were going off of ramps. I’m sorry.
They might have hurt themselves. 800-hoo.
Forget you. .
Cap:
As I was sitting contemplating the subject of this article,
I began to think how the way in which we present ourselves
affects the way that people perceive us. Now, most of the
students here at Behrend present themselves as respectable
young adults who are productive members of society. So,
naturally, society treats us with a degree of civility, and
we are surprised, even outraged, when we are treated
otherwise. But as 1 was considering this article, I thought,
“Wouldn’t it be funny if I went to local establishments
dressed as a hillbilly?” I could gauge people’s reactions
to this strange behavior and then report them to you. Then
I thought, “Wouldn’t it be better if 1 dressed like a hillbilly
who had just won the lottery ... and was drunk?” Now
that’s an article! So here you have it folks, my adventures
as a West Virginian Hillbilly, living it up in the town of
Wesleyville.
First destination - K- Mart
Widely recognized as a place of hillbilly sightings, I
decided to ease into my new identity by purchasing a box
of shotgun shells from the sporting goods department. I
sauntered up to the counter and told the clerk, “ Need me
some shots for my 12 gauge.” The older gentleman
attempted to be accommodating, and asked me what brand
of gun I was shooting. “Skattergun” is all that I replied.
Perhaps it was the obviously fake teeth that I was sporting,
perhaps it was the pleasant reek of Mad Dog 20/20 on my
breath, or maybe he was just a crotchety old man, whatever
the case, he asked me for some I.D. “ I ain’t got it on me”
This is when he decided to pick up the phone and make a
call. Was he calling for his manager? Perhaps someone to
help me acquire my “Skattergun” shells? Or was he calling
security? Well, I guess you’ll never know, ‘cause I
hightailed my hillbilly ass right out of there.
Second Destination - Westley ville Drivers License Center
As anyone whose license'has expired knows, the
Wesleyville Drivers License Center is truly like nowhere
else in the area. Where else can someone in nappy overalls,
fake decaying teeth, and a camouflage straw hat, sit next
to an overstressed mother of three dirty, misbehaving, little
kids, who yells at the top of her lungs to “SHADAP! Or
your gonna get it!” and is not asked to leave? Well let me
tell you, this was the best place for my disguise to work,
because even after I helped that poor woman yell at her
children (“Yer mama told you’ins to Shadap, and yer gonna
mind‘er, ya’ hear?”), not an eyebrow was raised. I think
that if there is anywhere in Erie that outlandish behavior
is not only accepted, but encouraged, it must be the
Wesleyville Drivers License Center. I saw one gentleman,
upon learning that he had to take a number and wait in
line to be served, break out into a tirade, shouting at the
employees and at those waiting, that he was a “Vietnam
Vet” and he had “served his country in the war.” Even
iew
Figure 1 :Casa Mamita Salsa
Undercover
The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy \s
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
pennState
Looks can be deceiving. This
old adage certainly applies to this
weeks’ boozehound, “Tiffany Am
ber.” Tiffany Amber looks strik
ingly similar to a young John Den
ver. But get some booze in this
boozehound and he is “Leaving
On A Jetplane” to insanity! After
downing around 20 alcoholic bev
erages, Tiffany decided to raise
some Hell. He picked around
seven fights at a college where we
knew absolutely no one, and woke
up with a bruised jaw. He then
called girls some less than flatter
ing terms, and even told a girl that
he had just made out with that she
was a lousy kisser. As if this
wasn’t enough, I saw him wander
ing the quads on Sunday morning
in a three piece suit, drinking Mad
Dog 20/20 out of a brown paper
bag. He earned his nickname. Tif
fany Amber.
Dirtv Teddv and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to dunk responsibly.
Boozehound of the Meek was ( rented to
show what can happen when one consumes
too much alcohol and makes a complete
jackass out of him 01 herself.
Send your 50 100 wend nomination for
Boozehound of the Week to:
b e h r c o I 1 ? <." aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want youi name in the paper,
the nomination must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send ajpcji file alonp with your story.
though A
not
have served in Vietnam,
I sensed that there would be no better time (or me to have
an outbreak of my own. So just after he exited the building,
I stood up and addressed the waiting eustomers “If you
all are going to sit here and let a true American like that
be turned away- then NUTS TO YOU!. What were the
reactions of the patiently waiting customers'.’ Well, I guess
you’ll never know ‘cause I threw down my ticket and
stormed out of there.
Third Destination - Coney Island
To round off my night of researching human reaction
to outlandish behavior, I decided to visit the most famous
restaurant in America, Coney island! Not the real Coney
Island but the really cheap one that serves all its food with
a free side of grease down in Wesleyville. I was
accompanied by a number of friends on this expedition,
who happened to be well dressed and clean cut. 1 myselt
was not in full costume. Luckily I had remembered to
bring my fake decaying teeth with me that night so I wasn t
totally unprepared. Upon entering the establishment, 1
began to act as I had at K-Mart and The DLC, hooting
and hollering, basically causing a spectacle. One of the
patrons noticed my behavior and he commented that I must
be from West Virginia! “Yes!” I exclaimed, "How did ya
know?” He claimed that he was from Virginia and had
seen my kind before. “My kin?! You know my kin!” I
proceeded to talk to this gentleman much longer than his
lighthearted comment warranted, in fact until he just
ignored me. So, seemingly without anyone to harass, I
began yelling that this place had lousy service. Wouldn’t
you know it, just then our waiter appeared!
“What took you so long, you silly son of a bitch?” He
ignored my question and asked what I would like. "I want
some cheese fries and a Greek dog, you silly son of a
bitch!” Did he spit in my food? Well. I guess I'll never
know ‘cause I ate it all and got the hell out ol there.
Conclusion
I would like to consider this experiment a success,
although it seems the people ot Wesleyville have been
previously exposed to the “hillbilly’ character that I
portrayed. Perhaps next time I'll try wearing a suit to a
gun shop and claim I just lost all my money in the Enron
scandal. We’ll see. If you would like to send me
somewhere or have any ideas about disguises, send me a
letter at hehrcoll2@aol.com and maybe you will see your
ideas in a future edition of CAP UNDERCOVER.
Page
pap Eric
Ti ffany ‘Amber
Nick Capozzoli