Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor behrco!l2 @ aol.com Ride a Cockhorse* to Banbury Cross, Butala I’m sure that many of you saw \ the filth that was passed off as an article last week. It was titled “People I Hate” by Mike Butala. He may have ,-jjf ? offended many people with wf.*/-' -Sr JnHHRHb his belittling comments. ROSS Lockwood Many of you may have the impression that Butala is cool, but he’s not, he’s a tool shed, (see Figure 1) Maybe not a tool shed, but surely somewhere where tools are stored. So if you were offended by his comments, don’t be. There is a little known secret abotit Butala that I am going to let you all in on: He is one of the worst human beings 1 have ever met. One of the most annoying things about Butala is his extreme cheapness. Now I know most of us have to be somewhat miserly since we are in college, but Butala takes it to pathetically new lows. A perfect example of this would be the one day that we ordered pizza. The total came to $9 and some odd change. When Butala went to pay with a ten dollar bill, the delivery boy informed him that he had no change. To most people this would be no big deal A tip of less than $1 isn’t exactly a great tip. The fact that he even asked for change back is somewhat insulting. Yet, this infuriated Butala. We went to a party that night and he told everyone, most people four or five times. Of course no one really cared. But if you think that is bad, it’s bei than his normal tip of a handful Canadian change. As we all kn< Canada is a waste of a country and money is worthless. It is a bai wasteland of lumberjacks and dog racing. Another aspect that rubs me the wrong way is Butala’s extreme laziness. He is lazier than a sloth stuck in molasses in January with mono. A typical day for Mike would go like this: He wakes up at 2:30 p.m. after a long night of drinking in his room by himself. He tries to do homework, but gets distracted by drawing pictures of penises on his notebook. He laughs hysterically to himself. He then goes and visits his “friends”, starting each conversation with “Can I get a Butterfmger?” or “Will you go buy me a Chicken Spazmo at Bruno’s?” After this, he goes back to his place to drink by himself or with his juvenile roommates. After they are good and drunk, around 3 a.m., they decide to make some really good prank calls along the lines of “Is your refrigerator running?” often 2 repeating the same call up to 10 times. Or maybe he passes * out face first in a snowdrift. One of his “friends" may pick him up and carry him to his apartment, putting him in his roommate’s bed. Then he gets up takes a swing at his “friend” falling down a flight of steps and hitting a wall, knocking himself unconscious. His “friend” then puts him back in his roommate’s bed. Pretty nice thing for a “friend" to do? I thought so too. How does Butala pay his “friend" back? By pouring a bucket of ice-cold water on his head at 8 in the morning, then running away. Maybe I am being a little hard on Butala. I mean he does have some redeeming qualities. Like, for example, his sister is really hot. That is really the only reason that I am nice to him, or continue to be friends with him. I have this re-occurring dream of his sister an 1 running on the beaches in Mexico. It’s delightful. ‘Cockhorse is not a dirty word. We swear to God. Go ahead, look it up. Lockwood’s column will appear again. Snow predicted for the next 11 months Erie Speak: Yes, it has mild winter so far. Translation: The lake frozen over.. .we’re doot Erie Speak: I’ve lived my whole life. I know drive in the snow. Translation: numerous winter escape w attempt; have failed. Well, let’s get to it. I’ve been told this is a humor column, so I assume I should say something funny.. .but you know what happens when we assume don’t you.. .ass! I figured that maybe I should tell everyone a story about a dream that I had a few nights ago. A few nights ago I had a dream.. .get it. It is my belief that each person has a particular smell she/he can claim exclusive rights to. I had this friend a long time ago, she smelled just like a bacon cheeseburger meal. Probably because she worked at McDonalds, you know that Irish food joint. Anyway, I was out one day mailing some stamps to my friend Sam (he’s a stamp collector,) and I stepped on a lottery ticket. It wasn’t a winning ticket or anything, but there was a $5O bill taped to the back of it, and a phone number written on the bill. “Charlene 217-8469.” I figured that Charlene was either a courtesan, or the person who dropped this ticket was a stud. And hey, I’ve no problem with professionals, so I called the number. Much to my surprise Charlene was not a hustler at all, m fact it wasn’t even her place. As it turns out, it was some enraged Behrend student, who was extremely frustrated that someone had desecrated his phone line. That’s understandable, I mean what kind of sick joker Figure 1 jAldi’s Product R ■ By Mike Butala I This week I will be reviewing Casa Mamita Salsa, (see figure * I) First off, 1 hate Aldi’s and I hate salsa, so why did I choose to ■ write a review for this horrible product? Beats me. I mean as ■ far as salsa goes, I guess it isn’t bad for the price, $1.29. It’s I kinda like when you buy cheap liquor, you don’treally expect it I to be any good, but it still does the job. When purchasing the | salsa, make sure all pre-purchasing ideals are met, such as the I safety button being down. Speaking of safety be safe about ■ your clothes at Behrend. My friend, Jess “No Pants” ■ Neidermeyer (see figure 2) was out this weekend when she * triced that part of her ints were stolen by a ident. This was not an dated incident because ter that night I noticed a rl with part of her shirt issing and the buttons :re missing from a shirt another. Since I am not le for glancing at jantily clad broads, yeah iFiqure 2: Jess “No Pants” Neidermeyer n B ht * Cameron I a Shuck and I V—————————— Quotable Quotes Compiled by: Ross Lockwood [■very once in a blue moon, you will come across a quote that moves you. It might move you to tears. It might make you to do something helpful for man kind, like helping an old bum buy a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. They may inspire you to do something constuctive like build a log cabin, join a fraternity (like ZBT), or join a group of modem day pirates, pillaging on international waters. If you are going to do this I recommend bringing lots of lemons or oranges. Or something with Vitamin C in it, due to ihe whole scurvy deal. Do you want to see your dad naked?” -Butala’s Dad to Butala Hey. go get me those chips out of the garbage.” -Steve Hlopick "Do you want to make love on the computer?” -John Snatchelder "It’s not college, it’s a Catholic boot camp.” -Cliff the Janitor "N.W.A? Oh, you mean National Women’s Association.” “You’re yelling ‘sex’ and I’m on the phone with my 60 year old aunt.” "The garbage can was full, so I thought I would just throw up on the floor.” “He's a porn star, and when I say star, I mean STAR!” -Ryan “Slim” Reinhardt brings someone’s personal telephone number into public domain? But, I don’t spend too much time pondering this question. We hav