Thursday, September 21,1995 Get Real I was trying to come up with a subject for my column this week and, as usual, I was coming up empty in the idea department. I thought about some “serious” subjects, but they take too much work. Last year a similar dilemma brought forth “The Toilet Seat Controversy” (see last years Collegian). A truly masterful analysis of the male-female condition (so I have been told). You may be asking “What makes him think he knows anything about the subject?” Well, I don’t. That’s the point. Who does? If love were an exact science they would have a vaccine out to avoid catching the disease. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll develop one. I’ll call it something like SCARS which would stand for Serious Commitment Avoidance and Repulsion Serum. It would be available over-the-counter for a modest fee (OK, it won’t be so modest - I gotta eat). One dose will last you about a day so you have to use a lot to get through those tough summer months. I can see it now; I would have a billboard that would read “Use SCARS to Avoid Those Emotional Wounds.” If love were an exact science they would have a vaccine out to avoid catching the disease. I will also be starting the national SCARS Anonymous organization which will collect dues from those poor souls who are addicted to my invention. Some of you may be asking yourselves “Well what if I want a commitment but I just need a little help coping once in a while?” Well readers, have I got a deal for you; you buy SCARS at its regular price of $99.99 and we’ll throw in, at no extra charge, that’s right folks, for only $99.99 we’ll send you a weeks supply of SCARS and an introductory sample of our exclusive Occasional Annoyance Patience Amplifier. Guys has your companion just told you nothing is wrong even though you know the world is about to fall apart (as evidenced by the infamous silent treatment)? You better grab our OAPA in the Instant Lockjaw formula before you say something you will regret (and you know you always do). Ladies, has your man forgotten the 17 and one half anniversary of your sixth date? Don't kill him -- pop a REAL, that's right folks, now available, the Realistic Expectation Activation Lozenge. That’s right ladies, GET REAL. The marketing possibilities are staggering. I could exploit the American people almost as well as the Republicans in Congress are doing now (that's my serious dig for the week). The fact is men and women have always had differences in opinion, values and points of view. These differences are what make relationships interesting and keep boredom from setting in. Sure, escape is attractive at times, but without a companion life can be dull. Then again it would be less stressful. You would have less restrictions, get more done Special Offer-Today Only the entire Relationship Handling Kit including a years supply of SCARS, OAPA (available in Instant Lockjaw and Foot Extraction formulas), and enough REAL to keep her off your back for at least an hour (approximately 9,999,999,999 doses). All this for only $999.99. That's right folks only $999.99 act now before this offer is withdrawn. Call 1-800-GET-REAL. Sorry there are no guarantees, you will not get your money back. Unless of course our female office manager changes her mind. —Steve Landon Dorm storm —Doreen Foutz Columnist Dorm life is not all it is cracked up to be. For one, why does it seem like I am paying for other people to have their trash taken out for them? It seems like this because it is really happening. The problem is becoming an epidemic! People are always leaving their trash in the halls, dumping it in the bathroom, or throwing it in the recycling bins behind the dorms. Behrend does provide us with dumpsters; why are they not being put to use? If people throw their trash in the hall by their room they are charged five bucks for each bag. If the trash is thrown in the bathroom, the charge is divided among those living on the floor. When the trash is thrown in the recycling bins behind the building, all residents of the building are charged. This can really add up, especially when the maintenance people collect anywhere from two to five bags for the recycling bins daily. I take out my trash, why are Columnist “X” mar As college students everywhere put aside their over-active social lives and “bucker down” for the long semester ahead, personal issues, like finances, become a major part of life. And here at Penn State-Behrend, this part of life is causing major frustrations among students, as the change and check-cashing policies inconvenience many a student’s daily activities. Students have many different expenses to undertake, many of which require cash. Yet, because Behrend is not accommodating to students who aren’t making an on campus purchase of some sort, easy accessibility to cash is scarce. We are unable to cash checks anywhere on campus, unless purchasing something. More limiting, however, is our inability to obtain change for ten and twenty dollar bills, again, of course, unless we are making an on-campus purchase. Basically, for students at Behrend, unless we are buying something or have an unlimited supply of five dollar other dorm residents incapable? It is not that difficult to drop your trash in the dumpster on your way to class. The cleaning people do not want to take out your trash, and neither do the maintenance workers. Oh, and for all of you residents who think they will never find out it was you, they will. The people who take out your trash will search through it to find out who it belongs to. When they find something inside that identifies it as being yours, they find out where you live, and you are the one who is charged. They will pin the blame on you, not the innocent people you are trying to blame. Second, what is with people dumping their leftovers in the sink? At any given time, walk into your floor bathroom, and I can almost guarantee that you will find cereal, noodles, vegetable chunks from soup, and other miscellaneous discards in your sinks. Did you know that when the sink becomes clogged you are responsible for paying to have it fixed. Yep, that’s right, the cost will be divided among you and your floormates. I don’t like having to go into the bathroom and clean out the noodles that someone left Your mom isn’t here to clean up after you, so now you must clean up after -Priya Daugherty Columnist bills, easy accessibility to cash is virtually nonexistent. Sophomore, Meghan Naim, feels very strongly about this inconvenience, “It’s a hassle having to go into town every time I need to cash a check from home!” Obviously, Behrend doesn’t take into consideration the transportation factor for many students living on campus. As we try to budget our time and limit unnecessary “running around”, commuting to town for the sole purpose of obtaining change or cashing a check is a very frustrating activity. Hopefully, the administration will acknowledge the plea of Penn State-Behrend students, for more considerate and accommo-dating policies regarding check-cashing and obtaining change. For example, the installation of a bank teller window would solve all of these problems, making everyone happy. In the mean-time, junior, Justin Ropele, best sums it up by saying, “It sucks!” yourself. If you don’t, you will pay for it immediately. As a reminder, you are responsible for all guests you bring onto the floor. Last week someone puked in the recycling bins that were located in the stairwell in one of the dorm halls. Who it was no one knows. But I know that I am being charged for the clean-up. I wasn’t even here, yet I am still being charged. If you come wandering back to campus drunk and you puke, you better make sure that when you sober up you clean up your mess. Residents who are aware of incidents like this should report them to the coordinator-on-duty immediately. Why should we be charged? There are no guarantees that the person who puked in the recyclable was a resident of that hall, yet it is the hall’s responsibility to pay for the damages. I don’t like being charged for the cleaning peoples’ extra duties, and I really don’t think you would either. Please take out your trash, flush your leftover soups and cereal down the toilet, and keep your dorm hall clean. These few simple measures will make life a little easier for all of us living here in the greatest neighborhood in town, cm campus at Penn State Behrend. e spo Page 5
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers