Thursday, October 7, 1993
by Paul Lorio
Colmagist
Music has been used
throughout time to bridge gaps
and unite people. The tribal
drum beating was a call for
celebration in many ancient
societies.
In today's society music is
also a way to divide people.
Rap and heavy metal bands have
huge amounts of fans but rarely
do they have the same Ws.
Sonic fans will stay loyal to
their bands„. while others will
jump ship as soon as the band
becomes "out". Today the
grunge scene (or Seattle scene) is
the "in" phase, but I feel that
within a period of time, like all
good things, this will also come
to an end like all the others.
Remember the New Kids on the
Block soM Millions upon
raißions of albums so the
chances are that 801110 of you oat
these bought them!!
What I'm saying is that
everyone has different musical
tastes. Music helps to deathibe
what type of peason you are. In
that case, I fen lathottly , say that
I'm a statist oftaat. l can
bogy say datisxmaw I kne w
him 4 0 411 1.t.4 ,
my' ithee
Dave on
By Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
I am pleased to report that,
thanks to an important scientific
advance, the human race may
soon be able, after years of
frustration and failure, to lick
soap scum.
I have here an article from the
ASTM Standardization News.
ASTM stands for "American
Society for Testing and
Materials," which is an
organization that, as its name
implies, has something to do
with testing and materials. The
article, sent in by alert reader
Michael Jawer, states:
'Topping the list of the most
dreaded household chores,
cleaning thersoap scum fawn our
showers and bathtubs has also
been one of the most
challenging. But thanks to a
new guide developed by
Subcommittee D-12.16 on Hard
Surface cleaning, part of
Committee D-12 on Soaps and
Other Detergents, beating soap
scum is expected to become
easier and less expensive."
This is wonderful news indeed,
because everybody has soap
scum. It's nothing to be
ashamed of.. Poke your head
into the finest bathrooms in the
world -- in Buckingham Palace,
the White House, even the
Listen Up
my TOP TEN CHART!!!
These recordings have been
released within the last two years
and they are the best of the best.
I hope you enjoy.
10 - Shawn Colvin, Fat
City. The second release by
Shawn is by far her best.
Here music mixes folk and
pop with the greatest of
!access. The first four tacks
are the best mixture that I
Wm heard in a long time.
The highlight is the song
"Round of Um"
9 - Debbie' Gib eon, Body
Mind Soul. Stop
laughing!!!!! I'm serious!!!!
This album is definitely the
best assortment of dance songs
in awhile. The track "Lasing
Myself" is right in line with
her hit "Lost in your Eyes."
"Shock Your Mama" and
"Teas Down These Walls" atal
the best dance tracks in the
ends* collection.. I know that
you thought Debbie Gibson
was dead and solo but this
album ;awes that she is still
alive and kicking!!
Vatican -- and you'll be shot by
security guards. So just take my
word for it, there's soap scum in
there, and they can't get rid of it,
because soap scum is the most
durable substance known to
humanity, a fact that was
demonstrated by the U.S. space
program. You may recall that
when the first space shuttle was
built, scientists were concerned
about protecting it from the
intense heat of re-entry into the
atmosphere. So what did they
do? THEY COVERED THE
SHUTTLE WITH TILES. They
knew that tiles are the ideal
breeding ground for soap scum
(it starts to form right at the tile
factory), and that soap scum
off soap scum to analyze it" 1
bet THAT was a fun job.
RESEARCHER: Hi! I'm
with the American Society for
testing and Materials, and I'd
like to obtain some of your soap
scum.
CONSUMER (calling to
spouse): Marge, get the rifle.
But the determined men and
women of Subcommittee D
-12,16 persevered. Using their
samples, they were able, for the
first time in recorded history that
I know of, to reproduce soap
scum in the laboratory. (The
article does not reveal the exact
formula but it involves human
0 P I l‘i SI
later. The highlights include:
"Two Princes," "Little Miss
Can't Be Wrong." and "How
could you want him when you
could have me." They also
put on one great show.
7 - Liz Phair, Exile in
Guyville. This debut was just
released about a month ago,
but has already gained much
attention with its shocking
lyrics; and unique musical
arrangements. Liz portrays
herself as a very independent
womanof the 90s. The songs
"P**lc and Rua" and "Flower"
include such in-your-face
lyrics that they can't even be
printed in this paper. This
release is a must for anyone
who is interested in a
women's point of view of the
Sound Revohnion.
6 Seel Asylums, Grave .
Dancers tfaiorg Sad Asylum
had dug its way out of the
musical basement and has
finally received the respect it
*kill deserved, The
Soap
body fat and an ingredient
identified only as "dirt." (The
article also does not reveal where
they GET the body fat. Maybe
they just go to liposuction
clinics and ask for it. "It's OK!"
they explain. "We're making
soap scum!")
To determine how cleansers
are used in consumer
households, the researchers also
conducted what the article
describes as "actual tests" in
which they determined "when
consumers atop wringing the
water from their sponge and how
much (cleanser) product they
place on the sponge•" (It is only
a matter of time before this
whole effort is dramatized in a
motion picture starring Harrison
Fat)
Armed with this information,
the researchers developed a
method for testing tile cleansers.
The cleansers are tested on tiles
that have been coated with
laboratory scum, then heated in
an oven. ("Care to join us far
lunch, Ted?" "No thanks, Bob!
I just put a fresh batch of scum
in the oven!")
Please understand that we do
NOT yet have a cure for soap
scum. But we DO have, finally,
a standardized cleanser-testing
method. And the Standardization
News-article confidently predicts
Alright," "Tom Boy," and
"This Things Nowhere."
Carol van Dijk wrote all of
the songs for the album and
has the perfect voice to
complement the incredible
guitar riffs. Highly
reams ended!
4 - Sarah McLachlan,
Solace. She is a Canadian and
her music aquires a certain
type of taste. The only person
you can compare her to is
Sinead, but even that isn't
exact. The highlights include:
"LOst," "Black" and my
favorite, "Home." If you love
lyrics, Sarah is a roust!!!
3 - Toad the Wet
Sprocket, Fear. 'this band
is the greatest band that
America has produced in the
last five yam; and this album
was the breakthrough. With
the tracks "All I Want" and "Is
It.au Me," this •band is well
tm its way to a bright future.
If you don't have it, get it. If
you have it, PLAY M MIMI
2 Juliar Hatfield
that this standard will produce
cannot be harmed by
atmospheric re-entry or even
leading household cleansers.
Oh, sure, you've seen TV
commercials wherein the
Cheerful Housewife, standing in
a bathroom the size of Radio
City Music Hall, waltzes up to a
scum-encrusted tile, sprays it
with a cleanser, and then wipes
it off to reveal a sparkling shine.
But these commercials are not
filmed on Earth; they're filmed
on the Commercial Planet,
where everything is different;
where fast-food-chain employees
really are happy to serve you;
where there is some meaningful
difference between Coke and
Pepsi; and where "light" beer
does not taste like weasel spit.
Here on Earth, however, anti
soap-scum products are not
effective. I base this statement
on a recent nationwide survey of
my Research Department, Judi
Smith, who said: "The stuff
they say gets rid of soap scum
never, ever waits."
(She also said: "My shower is
way too dirty to attribute to soap
scum." But I am far too
respectful of her privacy to
include that in this column. I
'also will not include the
following actual quote from her
husband, Tim: "What's soap
plays guitar and writes all.
The highlights include:
"Dame with a Rod" (which is
about rape), "Feel in
Massachusetts," "Mabel," and
the environmental song of the
year "For the Birds."
About once every few years a
new artist hits the scene with
the intensity and the musical
talent such as Juliana. Don't
miss it!!!
1 - Tori Amos, Little
Earthquakes. This red-headed
wonder hit the scene a year
ago and the aftershocks are
still felt. She is a piano
prodigy goi wild and her
song hit a real cord with me.
"Me and A Gun" is an
emotional journey through the
mind of a rape victim. Other
songs include "Winter" and
"Crucify", which come from
the mind of a woman who
Confessed about her past and
lovers. There is *nothing like
Tori anywhere in the music
industry, and she doesn't really
"fit in" with the status quo.
Please take. risk risk and listen
to Tori or any of the other
listed abt ve. it will be worth
A 1 1 0014411 1 114110404
• ' 4 '. nig 4 .; •
Scum
scum?"
For many years, the only
prestigious international research
institution working on the soap
scum problem was Heloise, who
was always running hints from
readers about it. ("Heloise, my
soap-scum problem was so bad
that my husband said he didn't
even want to take a shower! So
I made a mixture of three parts
vinegar, one part lemon juice
and two parts sulfuric acid, and I
put it in his coffee.")
But then Subcommittee D
-12.16 on Hard Surface Cleaning
swung into action. According to
the ASTM Standardization News
article, researchers "went to
consumers' homes and scraped
benefits that "go Tar beyond the
bathroom."
On behalf of consumers
everywhere, I salute the
researchers of Subcommittee D
-12.16 on Hard Surface Cleaning.
I hope that their achievement
will inspire the efforts of ASTM
research groups working on
other serious bathroom-cleaning
problems. I refer specifically to
Subcommittee C-35.98 on
Getting Kids To Stop leaving
Towels On The Floor; and --
this is the ultimate challenge --
Subcommittee P-20.20 on
Getting Males To For God's
Sake Aim Straight.
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