Thursday, September 30, 1993
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by Dave Berry
Syndicated Colwnxist
Recently, in an effort to
gain insight into the
European currency crisis, not
to mention large quantities of
weight, my family and I went
to Italy.
Our plan was to rent a car
and drive around on winding,
picturesque Italian roads.
Because we are international
travel sophisticates, we went
in the middle of August,
which is when the entire
population of Italy, including
statues, goes on vacation. It
turns out that the No. 1
Italian vacation activity is to
get in a car and drive around
on winding, picturesque
roads, at approximately the
speed of light.
I imagine that some traffic
maneuvers are illegal in Italy.
For example, you're probably
not allowed to &We your car
over a uniformed" police
officer without,eignaling.
But other than that, pretty
much anything goes. When
we picked up our car in
Rome, I asked it man fot
directions; he told inc to start
by driving the wiring way up
a one-way street.
"Isn't that a one-way
street?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, shrugging.
"But who reads the signs?"
As far as I could tell, in 10
days of driving around Italy,
there is only one strict traffic
filini the
111111 afd
lag ran
pasta
This is true it you are
studying more than just one
wham And whatrk) I mean hY
"well-sounded"? A person who
strives to be well-rounded will
have more material at his or her
disposal to form a more educated
opinion. Also, this will enable
him or her to back up his or her
opinion with facts.
Second, studying the arts 11611
humanities will give you a
broader appreciation of art and
literature. It will help you
understand what a piece is
getdiig at. Needless to say. lam
not stating that you have to lik
a piece of art in order to
stdeOgisid it.
is Vtose i . I<say. fare h. As
the name , the prima*
purpose of studying , the
An exampht would be mac -
an art form that everyone is
familiar with, - Vora a seq.
essolaratibirsOkpl!maniigijr:
math and
ale
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Dave goes to Italy
regulation: You are NOT
allowed to be behind another
motorist. If somebody is in
front of you, you MUST, by
law, get past this person,
even if you are on a winding,
hillside road the width of a
strand of No. 8 spaghetti,
next to a humongous cliff.
Several times I was passed by
drivers who, as far as I could
tell, got past me by driving
right off the cliff's edge, so
that their cars were briefly
hanging right out in space,
the way the cartoon Road
Runners does.
We were on many small
roads, because we stayed in
some picturesque hill villages
built a thousand years ago by
people who put massive
stone walls around them to
indicate that these villages
were never intended for
automobile traffic. But you
have to try to drive in them
anyway, to reach your hotel.
To do this, you follow a
series of arrows, apparently
put up by prankster villagers,
which lead you through a
winding maze of streets,
sometimes passing the same
point four or five times
before reaching the center of
the town, where the
pranksters laugh and laugh as
you inch your car through
streets so narrow that they
make the winding, hillside
road look like the New Jersey
turnpike, with stone walls
DYttitliani,"
tit) 1410
MEE
practically scraping you car
on both sides and even
overhead, so that you appear
to be driving inside ancient
Roman air-conditioning
ducts, clenching the wheel in
terror, convinced that you're
about to drive into
somebody's living room.
The only indication that you
are on a legal automotive
thoroughfare is that
will pass you if necessary by
driving on your roof.
Once we reached the hotel,
we did fine, thanks to my
sophisticated international
knowledge of Italian. I had
memorized the Italian
expressions for "I do no speak
Italian," and "Do you speak
English?" As a result, on
two occasions, I strode
confidently up to the hotel
desk person and stated, in
crude Italian, "I do not speak
English."
Fortunately, the Italians are
low on snoot, so we were
treated well despite
communicating, like tourist
versions of Tonto ("We stay
in mom with toilet, yes?").
We ate many wonderful meals
in the Italian style, wherein
they keep bringing you more
courses, and when you finally
stagger away from the table,
they follow you to your room
and stuff food into your
mouth while you sleep. We
also saw several hundred
thousand important and
historic ruins, cathedrals,
statues, paintings, frescoes,
mosaics, arches, relic, etc.,
which eventually formed one
massive unforgettable
throbbing historic blob in our
minds.
At one point, we were in a
very important church in
Venice, and a guide was
pointing toward the historic
spot where St. Mark was
entombed, and my son,
looking impressed, said,
quote, "THE St. Mark?"
But of all our experiences,
the one I remember most
vividly was when we were in
the Dolomite Alps, an area of
historical importance and
spectacular natural beauty,
and I realized -- as perhaps
such visitors as Hannibal and
Napoleon had realized before
me -- that our passports were
point across. Another example
would be the musical Hair, the
"rock musical" which the smog
"Age of Aquarius" comes from.
This musical contains "adult"
language and some nudity in it,
but it captures the spirit and
protest of the sixties. In fact,
next summer, the Eric
Playhouse will perform it, and
Erie is a very conservative city.
In conclusion, the more
Music, drama, art, etc. you
experience, the more well
rounded you'll be. In fact, I dare
anyone reading this column to
go out and see a show at the
Roadhouse or Erie Playhouse.
The United States alone has a
plethora of culture in its past.
This includes everyone from
Louis Armstrong to Jimi
Hendrix, from Mark Twain to
John Steinbeck, from Rodgers
and Havverstein to Stephen
Smidheim, and the list goes on.
If today's youth become more
interested in trash than art, that's
all the American culture will be
—Pula
missing. So I reported this
loss to the local police, who
typed up and handed me a
detailed document that I
believe said, in Italian: "The
people holding this document
have no idea what it says, but
it will certainly get them out
of our hair. Thank you."
In my sophistication, I
actually believed that this
document would be an
adequate replacement for our
passports. You can image
how comical this seemed to
the authorities when we got
to the Milan airport and
attempted to leave Italy. So
our plane took off without
us, and we got to spend a
whole extra day in Italy,
rearranging our travel plans
and trying to prove to the
American Consulate that we
were Americans and should be
permitted to return home.
During this process, I
thought a lot about Sheik
Omar Abdel-Rahman, whom
our government cheerfully
admitted despite the fact that
he listed his occupation, on
his visa application, as
"Terrorist Loon."
Not that I am bitter.
Anyway, we eventually got
home, bringing with us
valuable insights into the
European currency situation,
the main one being that if
you go over there, you should
take a lot of it.
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