Page 14
by Matt Duddy
Cohuninist
Since I'm in second place in
The Collegian's Great Hate
Mail Race, I decided to become
even more ambitious to take the
lead. I have two nasty letters
under my belt, and am second
only to Tarsha Proctor. So far,
she's the champion, sitting on a
pile of 12 feisty responses. I
think I can beat her 6:1 lead.
This column is about living a
clean and happy life, free of guilt,
and respected by all. Living a
good life is surprisingly easy.
All you need to do is: 1) follow
federal, state, and local laws
unless you think you can break
them without punishment, 2) be
good to everyone unless you'll
never see or hear from them
again, and 3) follow these rules
while thinking only of yourself.
As soon as you acquire your
new attitude on life, you'll be
amazed at how much better you
feel. After a while, people will
realize how different you are, and
will respect you by scrambling to
get out of your way, and
cowering at your feet.
Hello Shared Sacrifice
by Dave Barry
Symlicated Columnist
OK, middle-class taxpayers!
April 15 is right around the
corner! Time for your Tax
Relief!
Remember? Last year, during
the election campaign, William
Jefferson John F. Kennedy
Abraham Lincoln Clinton went
all over the country saying, in
one of his most sincere voices,
that he was going to give TAX
Relief to middle-class taxpayers
(defined, technically, as
"taxpayers whose annual income
does not exceed the amount that
the new administration spent
replacing the drapes in the Oval
Office").
So, middle-class taxpayers,
you elected him, and now it's
time to get what's coming to
you! According to the Internal
Revenue Service, here's all you
have to do: When you get to the
blank space on your 1040 form
labeled "AMOUNT YOU
OWE," instead of writing a
number in there, you put the
international symbol for the
middle class, which is a stick
drawing of a little person trying
to read the fiber content on a
cereal box. Then simply mail in
your return, and within four to
Rules for living
a clean and happy
Here we go:
/II If you're going to crash,
you might as well wreck your car
enough that the damage surpasses
your deductible.
ill When you're in a busy
place and you see someone you
don't care for, pretend not to see
them. If they come up to you,
act surprised to find them there.
IL Treat your relatives nicer
before they die. Otherwise, they
might will the money to
someone else.
LC. Never lie unless the
situation is beyond recovery.
Instead, only tell half the truth.
If necessary, be extremely literal
in everything you say.
1,51 Attempt to use your tout
mouth to get you where you
want to go only if nothing else is
going to work. At least it will
scare and shock everyone to maim
you feel better.
1.61 As soon as you get into
someone else's car, be sure to
adjust the seat, play with the door
lock, check to see if there's a
mirror under the visor, look into
Goodbye Tax Relief:
eight weeks, you should receive
a minimum of 10 years in
prison.
That's right: It turns out that
you're NOT going to get TAX
RELIEF, at least not in the
immediate future (defined,
technically, as "your lifetime").
President Clinton had to reassess
his position on this particular
promise, and for a very solid
reason: He's just another suit
wearing weasel.
No! Strike that! The reason
President Clinton had to reassess
his position is that, after he got
elected, he learned about a
shocking development. To avoid
suffering a shock-related medical
injury, please be seated while I
reveal this development to you:
The federal budget deficit is
very big.
Of course most normal people
and household plants were
already aware of this. But
apparently Mr. Clinton, busy
performing his many duties as a
presidential candidate--
formulating policies, making
promises, practicing the
saxophone--did not fmd out until
after the election, when his top
aides sat him clown and told him
about it:
AIDES: Mr. President, it
turns out that the federal budget
Opinion
the glove compartment, and
instruct the driver how to get
there, even if everyone knows.
CI If things aren't going your
way, you might as well make
them worse than they really are.
ELL If there's someone you
don't want to see, don't go to
Perkins.
121 Remember that when
you're repairing large pieces of
deficit is very big.
CLINTON (shocked): NO!
AIDES: Also, the pope is
Catholic.
CLINTON: This is
unbelievable!
In the interest of the
President's cardiac safety, they
decided to hold off on telling
him about the Easter Bunny.
So, anyway, you middle-class
people can forget about Tax
Relief. But you will be pleased
to learn that President Clinton
has come up with a new post
election idea, which is:
Sacrifice. Of course we're
talking about an equal sacrifice,
machinery, the parts you drop
will always fall into places you
didn't know existed. You can
hear them hit the bottom, but
they disappear upon impact.
Elk If you have more than ten
items, go through the express
check-out anyway.
MI Should someone proclaim
superiority and think themselves
better than you, be truly vulgar
in order to manipulate them into
suspecting that you're more of a
hog than you really are.
#12,1 Attempt to give Canadian
coins to the RUB desk, since
they try to slip them to us.
WI There's nothing immoral
'bout reusing your ski lift ticket,
mless you're told to buy a new
ote by the guy checking them.
Discuss truly gross topics
public places.
151 Take things back just
efore the warranty is up, and
complain about everything that's
wrong. Urge them to replace it
with a newer, nicer model.
ilk Reveal your own sinful
deeds and wicked indulgences to
wherein everybody will carry his
or her fair share of the burden, as
follows:
YOU will, one way or
another, pay more money to the
government.
THE GOVERNMENT will
spend it on critical programs
such as the Space Toilet.
A number of taxpaying readers
sent me articles about the Space
Toilet, which goes inside the
space shuttle. The toilet was
originally estimated to costing
$2.9 million, but what with one
thing and another--you know
how it is with plumbing
projects--it wound up cost $23.4
million. God alone knows what
it will cost the taxpayers when,
inevitably, we have to send a
Space Plumber up there to fix it.
("OK, that's gonna be $3.4
million an hour, plus $12.1
million every time Vinny here
goes back down fa coffee.").
Of course it is not the
business of us taxpayers to
question such expenditures.
We're too stupid to understand
our own tax forms, let alone
decide on the need for a high-tech
orbiting commode. Likewise we
are in no position to wonder
about the following news story
from the Charlottesville (Va.)
Daily Progress, which was sent
Thursday, March 25, 1993
life
those who are openly pious,
dare to imply that you are
sinner, and they are not.
fill Cover your mistakes • •
well that they are never detected.
If they are, rearrange the evidence
in order to prevent self
incrimination.
Mil Should someone you
know just suffer a trauma, tell
them to look at the bright side o
the situation.
Ilk Enjoy honking your horn
at senior citizens still passing
through the intersection when
your light turns green.
i2AL Disclose shocking and
disgusting things to people who
are pompous and condescending.
Draw pleasure from their
judgmental discomfort.
Should you have any moral
objections to some of these rules,
just think about how many times
you've been stomped on! Thi
philosophy should put you righ
up there with the best o'
mankind. Remember: Wha '
comes around goes around!
Enjoy your new life!
in by several taxpayers, and
which I swear I am not making
up:
"University of Virginia
medical researchers have
embarked on a four- ear
constipation in v
employing video games to help
children better control their
bowels. With a $1.2 million
grant from the National
Institutes of Health, researchers
will try to teach children how to
ease the passage of bowel
movements and determine how
success affects family and school
life."
The story states that, in this
study, children will learn how to
control their bowels by
operating "a video game,
controlled with the aid of
electrodes attached to the child's
..."OK, never mind where the
electrodes are attached. Suffice it
to say that you'd have to pay me
at LEAST $1.2 million to attach
then►.
The point is that the
government needs your money
for many vital activities, and
you need to just forget about
Tax Relief, and start thinking in
terms of Sacrifice,. Remember: If
your government can buy
electrodes for researchers at the
University of Virginia, it can
also buy them for the IRS.