Thursday, December 3, 1992
Is the gender war heating up?
b Andrew. Festa
The Collegian
A man joins women
studies class. It's not long before
he's given the impression that his
piessence isn't wanted
He has become --
comes that word --
enemy.
I took a worn
studies class
Behrend, along with
class on WOME
poets. Often, I fi
like I should
wearing a cast iv
jock strap. I'm t
enemy merely becai
I'm male?
I. thought
main purpose
multi-cultural class
was to enlighten au
bring about a tin.
between people,
divide them in
camps of good veil
bad and "blame
sins of the past on
men of today?" Am
wrong here? Do 6 this
'picture have a blemish or
two?
Sure, there's a lot of women
out there hurting. First, though,
let's talk about the women who
have and do hurt men.
"Oh--sure," she says, "blame
it on wotaen."
Just in time for holidays: shelf-stable
fermented meats with enhanced lipids
Dave Barr
Syndicated Columnist
Today at the Institute of
Military Food Concepts we
present the results of our taste
test of a new sandwich developed
by U.S. Army food engineers for
internal use by troops.
This sandwich was brought to
our attention by retired Army
Sergeant Major Willard Clark,
who sent in a newspaper article
reporting that the Army is
developing a new sandwich
representing "a breakthrough in
the state-of-the-art technology for
intermediate moisture foods."
The article quotes the Army as
stating that this sandwich
features "shelf-stable fermented
meats" mixed into "a synergistic
anti-oxidant system" offering
"greatly enhanced lipid stability."
These, of course, are precisely
the food qualities that
knowledgeable connoisseurs look
for when they dine in the finest
French restaurants.
CONNOISSEUR: Garcon, is
the lipid stability of your
fermented meats enhanced by a
synergistic anti-oxidant system?
WAITER: Vous etes darned
touting? ("But of course!")
So we called the Army Food
Engineering Directorate and
asked if we could have one of the
new sandwiches for testing
"You're missing the point," I their nature," she says, "just like
She screams, "but men are
jerks!"
"And I suppose women are
all saints or beds of thornless
roses?" I ask.
She hesitatei.
"Second," I go on, "let's talk,
about blame." I ask her, "if a bear
hurts or kills someone, is it
justified when all bears are hunted
inxetaliation,"
"All bears are dailgeroug
purposes. We were told this
would require higher-level
approval. The military cannot
afford to have a state-of-the-art
assault sandwich falling into the
Wrong Hands.
We don't know how far up the
chain of command our request
went ("It could be a trick, Mr.
President!"). But evidently we
checked out OK, because several
months later the Army sent us a
dark-olive-green sealed foil
package labeled: SHELF
STABLE SANDWICH
FLAVOR: PEPPERCORN
Accompanying the package
was an Information Paper frOm
the Army's Advanced Food
Branch.
SECURITY'ALERT
(The following sentence
reveals details from the
Information Paper concemirg the
design of the Shelf Stable
Sandwich. We are asking
foreign espionage agents to skip
over it. Thank you.)
The Information Paper states
that, in the construction of the
sandwich, meats are "formed into
cylinders and are encapsulated in
the bread to give the appearance
of a 'Torpedo' roll-with a meat
center."
(FOREIGN ESPIONAGE
AGENTS MAY RESUME
READING HERE.)
Our Official Taste Test Panel
consisted of ourself; my wife,
The Collegian
men."
"And women are just
passiye, submissive sheep, not at
alt responstble for life or their
own actions, and they're not
dangerous?"
"Women aren't at all
dangerous; not like men?
Ok, so she's got part of a
point: there is a 'distinction
between the genders.
"Neither is a moving
warhead passive," I reply, "until
it slips on its imperfection?
"Women aren't warheads,"
she quips.
I say, "so why are so many
women aiming so much of their
anger at men instead of at the
system from which both sexes
derive?"
She hesitates. I want to say
some nasty hate words. So does
she. I remain quiet. She doesn't,
This goes on, but you get the
point.
As a writer, I want to know
about people so I can create
better, more effective, and more
believable characters through
whom I can talk in many voices.
I am particularly interested in
wonten's voices, mostly because
I don't want to be locked into any
'system' or style of writing, but
also because they're so damn
difficult to understand which is
itself an intriguing challenge.
I want to be able to
Beth; our son, Robert; and our
primary and auxiliary dogs,
Earnest and Zippy. We
unwrapped the Shelf Stable
Sandwich, which looks sort of
like a flattened hot dog, with the
meat totally enclosed in the
bread. We each took a bite.
"Hey!" said Robert. "It's a
Slim Jim!"
Orcourse this is not true. It
is a high-tech, intermediate
moisture, eat-out-of-hand food
component with enhanced lipid
stability and. an edible protein
film barrier to prevent oil
migration. It only TASTES like
a Slim Jim. But this is a major
improvement over the Army's
current standard lbr combat food,
which is the "Wal Ready tc
Eat," or MRE. For purposes of
understand them, to know them,
not growl in ignorance at them.
What I've seen, however, has
been all the more puzzling.
When women talk about
equality, those who shoulder 'the
movement's' ideals, they need to
understand that direct abrasion
with man-as-enemy creates undue
tension which results in a loss of
at least part of the
communication process that
could have taken place,
This movement seeks, I feel,
to unite the sexes in a broader,
more defined, more in-depth
understanding of each, and to do
so from an equal footing.
The problem is, women are
not equal to men. Nor arc men
equal to women.
To call for equality is a
worthy and attainable goal, but to
call both men and women equal
is wrong. Men and women do not
have the same body parts, or
cycles; men experience things
women don't--and women
experience things men don't, or at
the very least both view, react to,
and interact with life and others
quite differently, whether by
nature or nurture. (See, Biology
did pay off.)
The next question is, "Why
does there have to be a contest
between the sexes, or between
any people? Men are men and
women are women. There's
nothing.wrong with being either.
comparison, our panel also taste
tested an MRE, which was
mailed to us a year ago by alert
readers Gregg and Chris
Schauermann, who undoubtedly
obtained it in a totally legitimate
manner.
The MRE is a triumph of food
technology, meeting or
exceeding every significant
nutritional, logistical, hygienic
and longevity standard. Its only
drawback is that nobody wants to
eat it. Military analysts believe
that a major reason why the
allies won the Gulf War so
quickly is that the U.S. troops
wanted to stop being fed what
appeared to be mislabeled
construction materials.
Our MRE came in a mud
brown plastic bag. Inside were a
number of equally attractive
packets, including one labeled
"BEEF STEW." We opened this
packet, and out oozed our entree.
If the federal government wants
to eliminate the budget deficit,
all it has to do is re-label these
MREs and market them to pre
adolescent children under the
name "Big Brown Bag o' Barf."
"How come it's so
ORANGE?" asked Beth. She
poked around in it a bit with a
fork. "Look!" she said, at last,
holding up what appeared to be a
rodent organ. "I have something
here• that might be related to
meat!"
Page 5
Why be top, best, more; why
worry so damn much about being
number one?
A i little voice called Cliche
said, 'but, that's basic human
nature."
If the participants of the
system would stop trying to one
up the others, they might unite
and work toward a common good.
Cliche said,
work."
I wonder. Should it be
'women studies' or 'gender
studies'? Maybe it should be
gender studies. Maybe that'll
bring the two [sides] together...
"Maybe it won't,' said
Cliche.
Well thank you Mr. Reality
Check.
As a human being who
believes that not gender, nor race,
nor nationality, nor religion, nor
any lone variable nor variables is
enough to justify the shallow
judgements dulled out on people
like free tickets to a cheap street
concert on a rainy afternoon, I do
not feel we (all of whom are, by
variables, different) should judge
others so quickly and on so little.
Communication, Man; it's
the damn key!
Andrew Festa is a Senior
Majoring in the Creative Writing
Option of English. This is his
final semester with Th e
Collegian. "Take Care!"
The humans on our panel
thought the stew tasted every bit
as good as it looked. The dogs
loved it, but they have been
known to eat pizza-delivery
boxes.
Another MRE packet was
labeled "CRACKERS." It's
difficult for us to imagine how,
without the use of rare titanium
alloys, the Army was able to
manufacture a cracker this hard.
Other MRE packets included
"CHERRY NUT CAKE" that
was as dense as linoleum, but
not as tasty; and a "FRUIT
MIX" that you could "EAT DRY
OR RECONSTITUTE IN
WATER." We tried it both
ways. Dry, it was like chewing
an Odor Eater, so we recommend
reconstituting it in water, which
causes it to completely dissolve,
thus enabling you to pour it
down the drain.
For the record: The dogs loved
all of riszse items, as well as the
foil packets.
Anyway, our conclusion is
that the new Army sandwich
definitely tastes better than the
MRE. Of course, so does
ceiling tile. But still, it's
stride forward, and we wish the
Army well with it, and many
other military food Concepts in
the future. All we ask -- and we
say this as patriots as well as
human beings -- is that these
concepts NOT include beer.
"It'll never