Thursday, November 5, 1992
Alicia Hartman
The Collegian
Hello I said hhheeclllooo.
Come on, wake up! It's five to
eight and you have an 8:00 class.
You still need to shower and get
dressed. You what?! You fell
asleep on your word processor
and now your paper's not done!
Great. Just great!
I think many of us have
experienced this scenario at one
lime or another. Not a happy
situation. What's the problem? I
know, I know. There just aren't
enough hours in the day to go to
class, study, get to practice by
four, and make that meeting by
6:30. Too many things to do,
but you are wearing yourself out.
May I remind you of the seven
rules to living a healthy life:
1) Eat three balanced meals a
day (especially breakfast)
2) Exercise
3) Maintain your weight
4) Get 7-8 hours of sleep a
night
5) Don’t smoke or use tobacco
6) Use alcohol moderately
7) Don't use any illegal drugs
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? It's
been pounded into our heads ever
since kindergarten? But how
many people actually follow
those suggestions to living a
Dave Barr
Syndicated Columnist
In a recent column I noted that
certain songs are always getting
played on the radio, despite the
fact that these songs have been
shown, in scientific laboratory
tests, to be bad. One example I
cited was Neil Diamond's ballad
"I Am, I Said," in which Neil
complains repeatedly that nobody
hears him, "not even the chair."
I pointed out that this does not
make a ton of sense, unless Neil
has unusually intelligent
furniture. ("Mr. Diamond, your
Barcalounger is on line two.")
Well, it turns out there are
some major Neil Diamond fans
out there in Readerland. They
sent me a large pile of hostile
mail with mouth froth spewing
out of the envelope seams. In
the interest of journalistic
fairness, I will summarize their
main arguments here:
"Dear Pukenose:
Just who the hell do you think
you are to blah blah a great artist
like Neil blah blah more than 20
gold records blah blah how many
gold records do YOU have, you
scumsucking wad of blah blah I
personally have attended 1, 794
of Neil's concerts blah blah What
about 'Love on the Rocks?' Huh?
What about 'Cracklin' Rosie?'
blah blah if you had ONE-
Your Body's Calling You
healthy life? Unfortunately, not
many of us do. Why? We don't
have time to eat three meals a day
or get 7-8 hours of sleep a night,
because our time is consumed
with going to class, studying,
extracurricular activities, or a job.
Exercise? Who needs exercise
with walking back and forth
between classes five days a week?
College isn't just classes, it's a
social experience. What better
way to unwind after a stressful
week than to go to a party and
have a few drinks? Smoking
cigarettes and having a dip helps
you to relax too because of the
"buzz" you get, right?
Well, aside from us unhealthy
college students, America has hit
a fitness craze. Everybody's
eating- healthily and exercising.
(Not to mention that businesses
arc making quite a profit off us
with Umbros, Nautilus
equipment,Weight Watchers food
entrees, Nike sneakers, etc., etc.)
(Just a side note here, but why
are there fanatics out there who
would NEVER be seen exercising
or at an athletic event without
"umbros" on? Does wearing
umbros affect your performance?
I'd bet you'd do just as well in a
$lO pair of shorts from K-Mart
and you'd save yourself 15 bucks.
Shoes are one thing, but shorts?
GET OUT YOUR POSTCARDS:
It's time for the bad song survey
TENTH of Neil's talent blah blah
so I listened to 'Heart Light' 40
times in a row and the next day
the cyst was GONE and the
doctor said he had never seen such
a rapid blah blah What about
'Play Me?' What about 'Song
Sung' Blah? Cancel my
subscription, if I have one."
So we can clearly see that
music is a matter of personal
taste. Person A may hate a
particular song, such as "Havin'
My Baby" by Paul Anka (who I
suspect is also Neil Sedaka), and
Person B might love this song.
But does this mean that Person B
is wrong? Of course not. It
simply means that Person B is an
idiot. Because some songs are
just plain bad, and "Havin' My
Baby" is one of them, and
another one is "Bad, Bad Leroy
Brown."
That's not merely my opinion:
That's the opinion of many
readers who took time out from
whatever they do, which I hope
does not involve operating
machinery, to write letters
containing harsh remarks about
these and other songs. In fact, to
judge from the reader reaction, the
public is a lot more concerned
about the issue of song badness
that about the presidential
election campaign (which by the
way is over, so you can turn on
your TV again.)
The Collegian
Arc you entering your butt into
competition?)
Everyone has the desire to
"look good," and surprisingly
Alicia
Hartman
enough, more and more people
arc becoming health conscious.
People are watching the amount
and types of food they eat.
They're also exercising, whether
it be a leisurely 20 minute walk
in the park, or a full-fledged.
And it's not just the public.
It's also the media. I put a
message on The Miami Herald’s
newsroom computer system,
asking people to nominate the
worst rock song ever, and within
Dave Barry
minutes I was swamped with
passionate responses. And these
were from newspaper people,who
are legendary for their cold
blooded noninvolvement ("I
grinding 1.5 mile run.
A lot of people just quote,"do
not have the time" to be healthy,
but contrary to popular belief,
you DO have the time. It just
takes a little effort and creative
thinking on your part. I mean,
you do have to eat everyday,
right? So pick something that
has a nutritious value. You don’t
have time to sit down and eat a
three course balanced meal? As
Dr. Roger Sweeting pointed out
in class one day, it takes him the
same amount of time to eat a
banana as it does a pack of
Twinkies. Interesting. And the
banana is probably cheaper!
You'd rather sleep than
exercise, huh? Well did you know
that if you exercise on a regular
basis you have more energy? So,
three days a week you could take
a half hour of sleep time (totaling
1 1/2 hours per week) and
exercise. By exercising, you'll
still acquire that energy you
would have got if you had slept
AND you'll be working your
body out (You know that old
saying,"use it or lose it" man).
Exercise is a great way to relieve
stress from all those tests you
had!
If you use alcohol or tobacco,
please use and not ABUSE. It is
possible to enjoy having only a
realize this is a bad time for you,
Mrs. Weemer, but could you tell
me how you felt when you found
Mr. Weemer's head?”) Even the
managing editor responded,
arguing that the worst rock song
ever was "whichever one led to
the second one."
Other popular choices were "A
Horse With No Name,"
performed by America; "Billy,
Don't Be A Hero," by Bo
Donaldson and the Heywoods;
"Kung Fu Fighting," by Carl
Douglas; "Copacabana," by Barry
Manilow; "Me and You and a
Dog Named Boo," by Lobo;
"Seasons in the Sun," by Terry
Jacks; "Feelings," by various
weenies; "Precious and Few," by
some people who make the
weenies who sang "Feelings"
sound like Ray Charles; "The
Pepsi Song," by Ray Charles;
"Muskrat Love," by Goldsboro;
and virtually every song recorded
since about 1972.
"It's worse than ever," is how
my wife put it.
Anyway, since people feel so
strongly about this issue, I've
decided to conduct a nationwide
survey to determine the worst
rock song ever. I realize that
similar surveys have been done
before, but this one will be
unique: This will be the first
rock song survey ever, to my
knowledge, that I’ll be able to get
Page
couple of drinks and not get
totally smashed. Even those of
you that abstain from alcohol or
tobacco products have problems.
Because others' behavior is altered
under the influence of alcohol or
tobacco, they pose a threat to
your well-being. Look at how
many crimes, rapes, and accidents
arc caused by the use of alcohol.
Whether you drink or not,
alcohol does affect your life.
Beware!
I know some of you are really
fed up with all this "health talk",
but maybe it's time you made a
difference in your life. Don't
think anymore, act! Ponder this
for a moment: if everyone
followed the seven rules to living
a healthy life our country would
save millions of dollars on health
care for people who arc nutrient
deficient, overweight,
underweight, physically worn
out, and those who abuse drugs
(legal and illegal).
Being healthy is the "in" thing
to do. How do you know you
wouldn't like to be part of the
"fitness craze" if you don't try it?
Your body's calling you...
Alicia Hartman is a freshman
majoring in communication. Her
column appears every third week
in The Collegian.
and easy column out of.
So I'm asking you to send me
your nominations in two
categories: Worst Overall Song,
and Worst Lyrics. In the second
category, for example, you might
want to consider a song I swear I
heard back in the late 19505,
which I believe was called "Girls
Grow Up Faster Than Boys Do."
I've been unable to locate the
record, but the chorus went:
Won't you take a look at me
now
You'll be surprised at what you
see now
I'm everything a girl should be
now
Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-
FIVE!
I'm sure you can do worse than
that. so write your two
nominations (one song in each
category) on a postal card - NOT
a letter - and send it to Bad Song
Survey, c/o Dave Barry, The
Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza,
Miami, Fla. 33132.
Send your card today. Be in
with the "in" crowd. We'll have
joy, we'll have fun. So Cracklin'
Rosie, get on board, because
Honey, I miss you. AND your
dog named 800.