Thursday, October 15, 1992
Alicia Hartman
The Collegian
ATTENTION
1) All those registered to vote
and do vote
2) AH those registered to vote
and don't
3) And anyone else who cares
(just a little; not too much) about
I sincerely be
lieve that this
presidential elec
tion is a REAL
race.
our country.
Yes, it's that time again when
we get to pick the next
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES,
I sincerely believe that this
presidential election is a REAL
race. George and Bill both have
things favoring and opposing
them. The public is unsure who
to vote for. The only things I
don't like about this campaign are
the debates about beaten down
pulp, same, how many times can
we possibly scream and stomp
our feet over, topics. Actually,
Sensible Eating; We can learn a lesson on diet from toads
by Dave Barry
WE can learn a lot about
proper eating habits by watching
the behavior of wildlife creatures.
Take toads. You don't see toads
fluctuating wildly in weight and
obsessing about food and con
stantly going on ineffectual diets
and then sneaking into the
kitchen at 2 a.m. and consuming
an entire Sara Lee banana cake
(serves 12).
No, when a toad gets hungry,
it simply flicks out its tongue
and snares-NOT a cheeseburger;
NOT a bowl of Lucky Charms
breakfast cereal-but a natural,
high-protein, zero preservatives,
low-fat moth. The toad gulps the
moth down whole, and bang, just
like that, it's finished with the
whole eating thing. Freed from
the tyranny of food obsession,
the toad can now get on with
other activities, such as
pondering the fact that there is a
whole live moth in its stomach.
This is why toads always look
vaguely worried. They have live
disoriented insects tromping
around inside them, and they (the
toads) are thinking that maybe
they should chew their food be
fore they swallow it, except that-
Nature can be cruel-TOADS
DON'T HAVE TEETH. This
problem led to a groundbreaking
1982 experiment at the
The Alternative Vote
the candidates don't even debate.
It's prime time to make fun of
each other, call someone a few
choice words, and see who can
make the most wisecracks in an
hour.
I think there's been enough
"talking." It's time for ACTION.
That's right, George and Bill. The
American people don't want to
talk about their problems, we
want something DONE about
them. And since you two aren’t
doing much, Alicia is here to of
fer the American an alternative
view. (Even if it does last only
ten minutes.)
First of all, why do the people
who buy a used car have to pay
sales tax? The person who
bought the car brand-new paid tax
on it, so why should the succeed
ing owners have to pay tax also?
What are you doing with all of
this "extra" tax money? And you
cry that the government has no
money?! You pay tax on a roll
of tissue when you first buy it,
so does that mean that you
should pay tax for each time you
go to the bathroom and use tis
sue?
Who pays for the president's
food and toiletries? Is money for
food taken out of his salary?
Does he just whip ten bucks out
of his wallet and tell Barbie to
take a walk down to the super
market? Do the maids shop for
George or is everything brought
in from an order? Our tax dollars
University of Wisconsin, wherein
biologists, using a $7.3 million
federal grant, fitted a group of
toads with dentures, then ob
served them closely over a five
year period, at the end of which
they (the researchers) reported that
the toads "seemed to be in a good
mood," adding that "there’s really
no way to tell."
So we can see how important
it is to have a sensible, long-term
eating regimen and realistic di
etary goals. I myself was on a
sensible long-term eating regi
men until nearly 10:30 this
morning, when I finally achieved
my dietary goal of locating where
my wife put the box of Cheez-
Its. These are my favorite snack
crackers because they contain
"riboflavin" and have a radioac
tive orange color that makes
them easy to locate in the dark.
Plus they're good for your heart:
Like every other product now
sold in the United States, includ
ing Drano, they come in a pack
age marked "LOW
CHOLESTEROL." Heart care is
a top priority with me, so I ate
the whole box (serves 20).
The problem with doing this is
that Cheez-Its also contain calo
ries, which our bodies turn into
fat. Of course it could be worse.
Imagine if our bodies turned them
into, say, linoleum, or surplus
body parts:
The Collegian
aren't just going down the drain,
they're going down Bush's
camode.
Why do we people receive
money for doing absolutely noth
ing? I love welfare. What other
system lets you sit at home on
the couch and pays you for
Alicia
Hartman
watching "The Price is Right"?
Sure, maybe the people on wel
fare have children and have to
take care of them. So you take
them to the daycare center, which
is staffed by other welfare moth
ers who have children also. The
BOB: Hi, Frank!
FRANK: Hi, Bob! Say, I no
tice you have eight noses.
BOB: I know. I gotta go on a
diet
When Bob (not his real name)
does go on a diet, chances are he
Dave
Barry
will eat at salad bars. I eat at
salad bars constantly, because
that way I can put a little lettuce
on my plate and cover it with
enough cheese, bacon, pasta,
government is giving these peo
ple money and there are tons of
things that they could do. They
could construct daycare centers for
other working parents. They
could build housing for the
homeless. The materials for these
projects would be engineered by
other welfare recipients. Look at
how many jobs have just been
created and these employees are
already being paid.
As for education, if kids don't
want to go to school, don't make
them. Too much time is wasted
on kids who are a constant dis
ruption in the classroom. If they
don't want to go to class, fine.
There are kids that want to learn
and want to be successful. I
believe our country needs to ex
perience a slump and be the bot
tom power for awhile in order to
make people aware just how im
portant education is.
The economy. It will eventu
ally be on the upside again. It's
just a cycle that has its ups AND
its downs. I wish everyone would
quit pointing their fingers at
presidents during the time of a
depression. It's not their fault.
They didn't purposely go out and
hit the "down button" on the
economy. They just happened to
be in office when the economy
took a turn for the worse.
Isn't the race for president just
a popularity contest? Who has
the best image on T.V.? Who can
keep their cool? Who can relate
potato salad, Roquefort dressing,
etc., to rectify the nutritional
shortfall in Somalia, and still be
able to say that all I ate for lunch
was a "salad.”
The problem is that I keep get
ting stuck in line behind Salad
Scientists. These are people who
make a salad as if it were some
kind of nuclear-fission experi
ment, subjecting each leaf and
sprout to intense scrutiny. The
worst is when you're behind
TWO of them, because then they
have to DISCUSS everything:
FIRST SALAD SCIENTIST
(picking up a string bean) :
Look. String beans.
SECOND SALAD
SCIENTIST: I don’t care for
string beans in a salad.
FIRST SALAD SCIENTIST:
I like string beans in a salad, but
I don't like the looks of this
string bean.
SECOND SALAD
SCIENTIST: No, that looks a
little pale to me. But then I don't
care for string beans in a salad.
FIRST SALAD SCIENTIST
(picking up another string bean):
Now THIS string bean looks a
little better to me.
SECOND SALAD
SCIENTIST: Well, if you ask
me, it's a little on the brownish
side. But then I don't caAAI
IEEEEE (sound of me stabbing
the second scientist with a pair of
Page
best to the American people? Too
much fuss is made over the presi
dent when he doesn't even dictate
our lives anyhow. Congress does.
Congress makes the laws,
remember? Not the president. He
just signs a few papers here and
there.
Does it really matter who the
president is? You usually end up
Too much time is
wasted on kids
who are a constant
disruption in the
classroom.
disliking him for one reason or
another by the end of his (or her)
four years. Popularity eventually
wears low. Don't vote image;
vote action. Your alternative:
me, Alicia Hartman. I was going
to be the first woman president of
the United States, but I've decided
to take charge of the media
instead. Thank goodness.
Alicia Hartman is a first
semester communications major.
Her column appears every third
week in the The Collegian
coleslaw tongs).
FIRST SALAD SCIENTIST:
I don't care for coleslaw in a
salad.
XXX
Another problem is that many
diets simply don't work.
Statistics show that people who
go on gimmicky or "crash" diets
will gain all the weight back
within a year; whereas people
who follow realistic, long-term
diet regimens will never lose any
weight at all. That's because
they’re all eating so-called "frozen
yogurt," which I strongly suspect
is a fraud.
Ask yourself: Does "frozen yo
gurt" taste anything like regular
yogurt? No, it does not. Regular
yogurt tastes healthy, by which I
mean, bad. It tastes like some
thing you might use in the field
of tent repair. Whereas "frozen
yogurt" tastes good. I'm positive
there if you dug beneath a "frozen
yogurt" store, you'd find large
hidden underground pipes leading
directly to a Dairy Queen. Think
about it! I'd think about it my
self, but this riboflavin is start
ing to kick in.