Thursday, April 23,1992
But can
by Andy Festa
I tend to write about the
negative things at Behrend,
that's what I look for. My
approach might not match
yours. That's ok. People-are
unique and entitled to their
opinions.
This columnist takes one
or more approaches to given
subjects. One can look for
and examine the negative
(intending to make
improvements) and leave the
positive for someone else to
cover, or one can examine the
positive. It all depends on die
individual and his or her
objectives and philosophies.
People will either understand
your point, or they won't.
Not all writers are perfect,
but most try to leam to dance.
Some writers can’t dance,
and they know it. Some can
dance, but won't (or are
afraid others might see, even*
though most people feel the
same way). Some writers can
dance well most of the time,
but have down times. Some
can't dance well (or at all);
those who know it stay
seated, those who don't make
fools of themselves.
For those who disagree
with any of my columns:
How well can you dance?
Interested in trying out for a
chance to dance? If yes, sign
up for COMMU 001 in the
TV ’Golden Years’ look
by Mike Royko
They were rather bold personal
questions coming from such a
proper-looking young woman.
Did I have a fetish about
wearing leather? And if so, did
these leather garments excite me?
Or maybe I had a foot fetish? I
should call her and we could chat
about it.
In truth, she wasn't talking
directly to me. She was on my
TV set. So she was talking to all
of us who happened to be
watching, inviting us to share
our kinkiness with her.
But that's part of the miracle
of television. One moment, I was
watching tons of water flooding
Chicago's downtown. The next
moment, a total stranger was
asking me to phone her if I lust
for toes.
She said her name was Jenny
Jones. That didn't ring a bell, so I
asked around and was told that
she is hostess of a talk show that
originates in Chicago.
Well, that explained it. The
talk-show field is getting
crowded. There's Oprah, Geraldo,
Phil and Joan, all competing for
the nation's weiidos.
So someone like this Jenny
Jones is at a disadvantage. For
one thing, many of the best
weirdos have been picked over by
Oprah, Phil, Geraldo and Joan.
And those who arc still
Fall and submit a sample
article to The Collegian, in
care of the editor. (The
sample should be roughly
750 to 800 words).
For those who are
interested in writing, but not
at that length, there's always
letters to the editor, which
should be no longer than 400
words, and news writing
which ranges greatly in length
depending on the topic.
If you’re a freshperson,
The Collegian is a wonderful
experience and a fantastic way
way to meet new people; it's
also a great way to build a
support group early in your
college career, and to leam
about the college. If you've
been here for a while, you ,
already know a lot about the
college and your insights
could be helpful or
entertaining.
Sometimes, your message
will be disliked (see last
week's letter to the editor and
column), or ignored, such as
when a friend's teacher, after
my column came out, told his
class, "I don't think Mr. Festa
would like this, but you can
leave early." God, I hope I
got through to some people
that this is not right! *
We (students) spend
thousands of dollars for these
class sessions, money with
which teachers pay their bills.
We should all demand our
available would probably prefer
to tell veteran kinksters like
Oprah or Geraldo why they must
jog naked through brambles or
bark like a loon on its
honeymoon.
Which explains why Ms.
Jones, who is just getting started,
must go on the air and ask us to
call her if playing "this little
piggy went to market" is what
turns us on.
Since I am partial to the
underdog (could that be some sort
of fetish?), I decided to do what I
could to help Ms. Jones in her
fetish search.
A call to her publicist brought
the disappointing news that only
25 kinkies had responded to Ms.
Jones' televised plea. That isn’t
much in a metropolitan area of 7
million. Why, on a summer day,
you can see more than 25 two
legged oddities during a five
minute downtown walk.
However, the publicist said
the fetish search isn't limited to
those who want to romance a
foot.
As she put it: "It could be
anything from feet to smelly
socks to straw hats or something
kinky."
The old straw hat fetish. It
happens that I have a straw hat.
But I only wear it when I sit in
the yard on a warm day. So I
doubt if Ms. Jones would want to
chat about how I have this fetish
The Collegian
you
monies worth from every
teacher. If they can't or won’t
be there, give us a refund!
If "students only get out of
education what they put into
it," and if it's totally "the
students' responsibility to get
an education," and if the
students are to "be most
accountable for their
education," and if
"Professors are not here
because they need us," why
not take correspondence and
let the professors find other
means of paying their bills.
As for a student's
responsibility, I thought my
column was an act of taking
responsibility. Since my
parents aren't paying my
way, I feel it when my money
buys me inferior quality. Like
I said last year, "If Penn State
about protecting my noggin from
the dangerous rays of the sun.
Ah, but what if I wore the
straw hat and nothing else but
smelly socks while sitting in my
back yard? That's something to
think about, and I'm sure the
neighbors would give it
considerable thought.
We also asked the publicist
how Ms. Jones goes about
deciding which fetishes to feature
on a show. Let's say you have
someone whose nostrils quiver
with passion at the thought of a
smelly sock, and someone else
who can make love only while
wearing his straw hat, and
someone else who swoons at the
opportunity to dab a toe with red
polish? On a scale of 1 to 10,
who gets the nod for their
dance?
wants to charge us Cadillac
prices, they’d better stop
offering us Volkswagens!"
I'm not condemning all
teachers. I've had some
grade-A, quality teachers.
Most teachers are open to
suggestions. A young lady I
know told me about a teacher
she had who was so
distraught at not having
reached his students, he was
actually upset. I thought it
was neat that he cared enough
to feel bad. ,
But, not all teachers feel
more than, 'I have something
better to do so I might as well
let them go early even though
they’ve paid for the time.'
Imagine going to a shrink and
paying for an hour and being
told thirty minutes into the
session that you can leave.
How would you feel? Those
who read The Collegian know
how I feel.
It's been argued that
students should say
something to the teachers.
The problem with that theory
is: most students are
concerned that teachers, in the
position of 'giver of grades',
would find a way to get back
at the students. I know, "that
would never happen at
Behrend," but try telling that
to the students who have
experienced such low-life
tactics.
Though my observations
24-karat now
moment of fame? Or do you pul
them together as a panel, smelly
socks flying, leather undies
sweating, toes wiggling, straw
hat quivering.
"That's up to the producers,"
the publicist said. "That’s their
job."
What a strange job. Think
about it. You raise a child,
scrimp and save, pul him through
college, and he gets a job in
television. Then he calls home
and you ask: "How are you
doing?"
"I am producing a TV talk
show."
"What kind?"
"Well, this week I'm
interviewing people who arc
aroused by sniffing smelly
socks."
"Ah. Well, I'll tell your mom,
and I'm sure she'll be as proud as
lam."
And it makes you wonder:
Who is weirder, the person who
sniffs the socks or the person
who interviews the person who
sniffs the socks?
Or, for that matter, the person
who writes about the person who
interviews the person who sniffs
the socks?
Well, I've gone this far, so
there is no turning back. So if
you are feeling weird and would
like to share it with Ms. Jones
and her audience, there is still
time. The show won't be taped
might not agree with the
observations of others, I do
speak my mind. I thought,
contrary to the opinion of
others, that my last column
was being responsible. I see a
problem and, because I am
trying to focus on those
problems, I say what I feel.
Should I act like the
stereotypical'’hippie' and say,
"Geez, man, the flowers, are
pretty and the whole world is
perfect?"
I challenge the entire
people population at Behrend,
all members, to write one
750-800 word column.
I'm not saying I believe
there are people who can't
match me on the contrary,
I'm still learning, still
growing, which is what it’s
all about anyway. Rather, I'm
saying, think of the volumes
of things that are right and
good about Penn State, and
put them into a collected
volume of Penn State worics.
Andy Festa is a tenth
semester English major. His
column appears every other
week in Tbe Collegian.
until next week. That means you
can put on a pair of socks today
and wear them until they are ripe.
You could be the star of the
show. The number to call is
(312) 836-9458. Tell them Mike
sent you.
This could be your chance to
become part of a new golden age
of Chicago television.
It's true. When NBC decided
to produce this show in Chicago,
A 1 Jerome, president of the NBC
television stations, said:
"Chicago once had a
significant role ir. the
development of national
television programming. This is
a first step toward returning to
what were called 'The Golden
Years.’"
That's really exciting, because
I remember those early ’’Golden
Years" "The Dave Garroway
Show," "Studs' Place" and, of
course, "Kukla, Fran and Ollie."
But I don't remember, who
was it in those "Golden Years"
who first brought us smelly
socks? Was it Kukla, Fran or
Ollie?
The memory grows dim.
And so does the TV screen.
Mike Royko is a Chicago
based, nationally syndicated
columnist. His column appears
weekly in The Collegian.
Page 5