Page 6
Confessions of a
Haagen-Daaz Junkie:
Columnist describes Lycra crisis and his road to Diet Hell
By Mark Owens
I looked out my apartment
window Saturday. It was
sunny, kind of warm for early
April and - for once -- not too
windy. I sighed, for I knew
what The Signs of Nature were
telling me. It was time.
With an almost audible sigh
I heaved myself off of the
couch, brushed aside a stack of
pizza boxes and made my way
to the dresser, The sunlight
streaming through the window
danced across the floor toward
the dresser, and was pounced on
by a mound of dirty laundry. I
kicked the laundry back under
the bed from whence it came,
leaving the sunlight dazed and
confused. Maybe it could call
911... if it could find the
phone.
I reached the dresser and slid
out the second-from-the-bottom
drawer. I really wished I didn't
have to do what I did that
Saturday, but I didn't have
much choice. It was time, and
when it's time... it's time.
With another sigh I reached
in and pulled out... a pair of
Hind Lycra cycling shorts.
That event, more than
anything, is one of the Great
Signs of Spring: The
Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Connie
Chung, Clark Kent, Greg Geibei
What could you have In common
with these world famous
reporters and photo journalists?
You could have a position on The
Collegian staff!
lllilllllllilllgllllllllllliililiiiliii^lllll^llplllll^i
If you have any talent writing,
reporting, taking pictures, or copy
editing come see us! We also need
people interested in layout,
advertising sales and design.
No matter what your major is or
what your interests are, we have a
position available for you!
Interested persons should attend
one of our weekly meetings held on
Thursdays in Turnbull 204 at 6:10
p.m., or call The Collegian office at
898-6488.
What wacky adventures has
Spiderman gotten himself
into this week?
Check out the comics on page 10.
Hideously Out-Of-Shapc Male.
And I confess, I am one.
It's an event very similar to
the first time people put on a
bathing suit. Your first
reaction is something like
" AAAAHHHHRRRRGGGG!!"
but just a little louder. The
second reaction is a little more
calm and rational, something
like "My God, what have I
done to myself!?!"
That’s okay, though. I had
those very same reactions
myself -- along with the
laundry and one of my
roommates, who were laughing
to the point of tears and
holding on to each other so as
not to fall down. It's a
touching sight to see a college
student and large lump of
unwashed sweat socks getting
along so well.
But as a Hideously Out-Of-
Shape Male you have to expect
that sort of reaction. Frankly,
that's the drawback to cycling;
In-shape legs clad in skin-tight
Lycra look good while out-of
shape legs look like sausages.
It's a cruel fact of life, right up
there with the fact that
everyone can now see Mr.
Snuffaluffagus.
Anyhow, I certainly didn't
let that stop me. The only way
The Collegian
to go from a Hideously Out-
Of-Shape Male to The Average
Male (who is slightly out of
shape) is to exercise, eat right
and forsake sugary, fattening
foods. Ha ha ha ha. You
thought I was being serious
there, huh?
The true way to transform
yourself from a Hideously Out-
Of-Shape Male to The Average
Male is to follow Mark's New
and Improved Five Step Plan
To Achieve Inner Peace And A
Tush You Could Screw Off
MyDacliyjs
Barker^
<lOl3 Main St . Lawrence Park
899-6471, Haircuts: $6.00
Cindy Beemus-Barber Stylist
The
Missing
Pieces
And Put In A Jar. Those five
steps are:
1) Eat Sensibly. Realize
that sugar, fat and grease add
pounds to your waist, legs and
butt. The best thing to do is
cut back to one box of
Twinkies a day.
2) Exercise more. Take
less from the refrigerator,
resulting in more trips. Hey,
all that getting up, opening the
door and silting back down
have to count for something,
right?
3) Cut back on beer.
Beer has an incredible amount
of calories, which is why they
have lite beer. Drink more
mixed drinks, like Purple
Hooters and and Long Island
Iced Teas. After all, you've
never heard of Absolut Lite,
have you?
4) Wear more
comfortable clothing. A
weight loss secret: fat gets
pissed off when you squish it
together, kinda like New
Yorkers in a subway car. If you
give fat its space, after a while
it moves on to taunt some
skinny person.
5) Don't listen to
Richard Simmons. This
guy has a hairstyle reminiscent
of Binky the Clown. No one
The Collegian
We may not come out as often as
USA TODAY, but we don't print
stupid kiddie-graphs either.
Comedy Night
Thursday, April 16, 1992
ever took dieting advice from
Binky the Clown. Why start
now?
Finally, remember as a
Hideously Out-Of-Shape Male
everyone unlike you will
snicker every time you dive for
a shot at the volleyball court
because you'll hit the sand long
before the ball will; chortle
because you run out of breath
carrying hot dog buns from the
car to the picnic table and
guffaw because park squirrels
can rollerblade faster than you.
Basically you will be the
Human Droopy. Don't let this
happen to you.
As for me, I've developed a
rigorous exercise and diet plan
based on a National Enquirer
story I read in Giant Eagle
yesterday. I'll get started on it
sometime next week - after
all, it isn't good to rush into
these things. Right now I
think I'll lounge on the couch,
munch on some Haagen-Daaz
Peanut Butter and Chocolate
ice cream and watch rentals.
Hey, it's a start.
Thought For The Day:
There's nothing a half gallon of
Haagen-Daaz Peanut Butter and
Chocolate ice cream can't fix.
Jack
Mayberry
Friday night
9:oopm