Name: Maureen Finn
Age: Old enough
Occupation: Coordinator,
Student Organizations and
Program Development
Hair: More than my boss.
Eyes: Two
The Good Stuff: I'm
looking for the kind of man
who isn't afraid to show his
feelings; who isn’t afraid to
cry, isn't afraid to laugh,
isn't afraid to let me
handcuff him to the bed
posts for long periods of
time.
Ideal Date:Danny
DiVitto, only a little
taller - which is kinda
weird because that
sounds like my boss.
Name: Fred Anzivn
Age: Old enough lo be yoi
dad
Manager,
Occupation
WPSE
Eyes: Squinty
Tbe Good Stuff: I'm a fai
bigger player in the
entertainment industry than
most people realize. You know
the guy that always ulks in
between shows on NBC 7
That’s me. I got the job ‘cause
I know people. I also have the
back half of a horse in my
basement. Capishe'7
Ideal Date: Mama Leone
Festering gossip
Wouldn't it be nice if dossiers
on professors were closed? Good
thing they're not!
I was bouncing around a few
computer system areas at Behrend
and found a hidden area
exclusively on Staff and Faculty.
I couldn't find one on students,
but I'm sure it's there,
somewhere.
I came up with some
interesting tidbits of information
on the people in whose hands we
place our minds.
Dean J. Lilly is nice, likable,
unhappy. According to his own
recorded comments, he chose a
position as Provost after being
turned down by the Albuquerque
Philharmonic. Makes one almost
feel sorry for him, until one
realizes he didn't want to be here
in the first place.
David Stuntz; music director
and teacher, who thought J.L.
was "just right for the
Albuquerque position" was also
in that hidden computer area. He
was once arrested for erratic
driving and driving while under
the influence of Gregorian ChanL
Dean Baldwin (or lose?),
professor of Olde English, has
big goals. He plans to turn the
old library into a museum for
Shakespeare. "His pedestal,"
wrote Baldwin, isn't nearly as tall
as I would like it to be. We
MUST build a bigger and better
pedestal upon which we can
enshrine Lord and God,
Shakespeare. If there's any room
left, we’ll squeeze in Chancier.
claim to have attended Harvard,
even if just for a few days."
Davie "I'm a little hot-shot"
Shields, big-wig in Student
Activities, was once arrested at a
New York strip joint with his
date. Drunk and at odds with his
blind date, Shields punched a drag
queen in the balloons (deflating
one of them), when he found out
the true sex of the queen he'd
already danced seven dances with.
Maureen "Guppy” Finn,
Shield's right hand woman, once
pressed charges against fifteen
young male antagonists claiming
"one of those little rug-rat cub
scouts stole my panties and put
them up the flagpole." One scout
master was reprimanded when she
told the pre-teens "she needed
that."
Anita Hill, Oklahoma teacher
and recipient of Andy Worhol's
'famous fifteen minutes' was
recently turned down by Penn
State for a teaching position. She
was told, "We don't want famous
people. We can only afford the
unknowns. Besides, we have
enough women to keep people
happy." Diana Hume George,
tenured professor of English, was
quoted as "being completely
against hiring her for the
position. I've done that position
for free for nearly five years. If
anyone gets the position, I
should. Besides, Behrend doesn't
need more famous women. They
have me!"
Paul Baily, head honcho of
the Instructional
Name: Dianna Hume
Age: Physically or spiritually?
Occupation: Professor of
English and Professional
Tombstone Matseur
Hair: Black and lots of it
Eyes: Tough to tell behind these
welder's mask-like glasses I wear
The Good Stuff: Men are
interesting things. They’re not
incredibly important to the
quality of my life, but I like to
have one around once in a while
- kinda like puppy-sitting. If I
had to have one, he should be
intelligent, well-spoken and not
smell too bad.
Ideal Date: The guy on Grizzly
Adams.
Name: Robert Light
Age: Fourty something
Occupation: Associate Dean
for Graduate Studies, Research,
Continuing Education and
Economic Development.
Hair: False
Eyes: I have some?
The Good Stuff: I like
as long as they don’t
fetching coffee and rubbin
feet.
Ideal Date: June Cleaver
Communications Center (ICC,
otherwise known as Idiots Can
Count?), has proposed cost
reductions on all ICC products.
"Everything is being drastically
reduced, by about 2 to 3 %.'' Yo
Paully, aren't you forgetting the
12% surcharge added several
weeks back?
I thought it was neat, finding
that area and reading the dossiers,
especially the personal notes in
their E-mail sections.
One was to 'Sweetest Lilley'
from someone whose initials are
Other than those two, there are
no other writers of merit worth
studying."
Jack Burke, (unsure of his real
title), long hailed as "the man
you meet when you go over Dean
'Johnny' Lilley's head”. He's the
energy that turns the cogs Lilley
greases. Even Burke was arrested,
once for being underage and
contributing to the delinquency of
an adult, and once for
impersonating a student at
Harvard. "I always wanted to
8.8. at University Park. That
was too graphic and explicit a
letter to put in these hallowed
pages, so I sent a copy to the
printer. You too can own your
own copy. Just send $9.99 (+
postage) to "Kiss the Blarney
Stone," c/o Rowdy Roddy Piper
at The Collision.
I have many more tid-bits to
pass along, but no more room for
the passing.
Name: Chris Dubbs
Age: Let me ask my publisher
Occupation: Assistant professor of Creative Writing
Hair: Barely
Eyes: Bloodshot
The Good Stuff: I like women as much as the next
guy, especially if they have
Unfortunately I spend so
much of my time writing
the
Name: Cathy Eck
Age: br-'dog years?
Occupation: Health and Wellness
Coordinator
Hair: %s
Eyes: Two is enough, thanks
The Good Stuff: It would surprise
people to know that after work I like
to cruise around town on my Harley
and spit on small children. I also like
Iwinkies, cheap cola and Jack
Daniels. Frankly all those health and
wellness things are a crock. I'd rather
be on the road with the Hell's Angels
breaking pool cues over the heads of
drunk fral boys. Any questions?
Ideal Date: Mike Tyson on
Thorozine, thanks.