Tursday, April 2,1992
Just do it: David Shields, Assistant Dean of Student Services,
the top donor in this years annual Sperm Bank Drive Competition ,
donating a whopping 5 gallons in the first hour alone. "We have
never seen anything like it before," said a nurse. "We need more
people like him," she continued.
"I just gave 'til I could give no more,"
Classified
Roommate Wanted- Must
be male, neat, non-smoking,
courteous, kind, thoughtful,
tall, rich, healthy, wealthy,
wise, studious, obsequious,
truculent, portly, honest,
corteous, corageous, sensitive,
stingy, fat-free, salt-free,
sugar-free, demure, and witty,
For Sale: One of Behrend's
most luxurious apts. 2 Bed, 1
bath. Also included 2 smelly,
greasy, comic book collecting
roommates. Only serious
inquiries please.
Wanted: Will pay top dollar
for small dead cat. First come,
first serve. Will pay extra for
tire maiks.
For Sale: Dean Lilly's car.
Going cheap. Meet me in his
driveway at 11:45 tonight to
finalize. It’s a real steal.
A giving man
commmented Shields
Wanted
Wanted: Some one not afraid
to answer telephones. Please
contact D&M ■
For Sale: 2 Boxes of
toumequet condoms. Assorted
colors and sizes. Unused .
Missing: Roommate; tall,
dark hair, goofy-looking,
wears dirty clothes, sings off
key, likes pregnant women,
last seen being attacked by
small pregnant mouse.
Answers to name Dave "Putz
Master" S.
For Sale: Silver "Opti-free"
automobile. Flintstones
memorabilia piece (runs on
feet power). Minimal rust and
most of the doors open and
close. Good gas milage. Best
offer.
The Collision
In a surprise move last week, Senator Jesse Helms
announced his candidacy for President. The Senator
will be running on the third party ticket with political
newcomer Sharon Dale. The ticket will be running on an
anti-NEA platform.
"It is a real honor for me to be able to run with
someone that I admire and respect so much," Dale
announced at a press conference.
Governor Bill "Slick Willy" Clinton and Governor Jerry
"James" Brown recently engaged in a fist fight after a
heated press debate. It was discovered later that both
were strung out on LSD, PCP, Nyquil, Narvol, and
some sort of fish paralyzer. Both candidates had also
smoked marijuana beforehand, but since neither one
inhaled, everything is okey-dokey.
Local rap group Johnny M and The Lilley Whites have
crossed over into the more lucrative* grunge indriistrial
vein of music. "We switched over," said Krissy Chris,
the groups bass guitar player, "because not enough
sleazy women attend." According to group leader
Johnny M, "What we do is our own f****** business,
and if you don't like it, then go hang out in an elevator
somewhere and listen all you like!"
The Lady Lions of Penn State-Behrend have bpen
involved in the first point shaving scandal since the
Tulane University incident in 1985. According to Coach
Banker, "The money was just too good."
Paul Bailey, ICC Supervisor, has recently departed to
become photo editor of "Whips and Chains" magazine.
"I guess that my experience with visual and media
technology attracted them to me," explained a grinning
Bailey.
Professor John Gamble has recently accepted a position
as head of ticket sales for Mid West Airlines. "I just had
to get away from the political scene at Behrend, and this
has enabled me to do it," explained Gamble.
Update: Where are they now?
Former theater professor Steve Buckwald is now
teaching theater at the Albuquerque Correctional
Institution where he does not socialize with any of the
actors, if at all possible. He was sent to the Institution
after he was found in a back alley screaming, "The media
is out to get me, they are out to get me, make them go
away!!"
Dr. Jeffrey Wicken, "villainously fired" last semester, is
now managing a Hard Rock Cafe in Europe. "Wow!
This is great," replied Wicken in a phone interview.
"And to think that I was teaching Thermonuclear
Quantum Mechanics Molecular Science to clueless
freshman all those years."
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