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Behrend Briefs
Arithmetic Anxiety Workshop: All
students are welcome to attend on Friday,
April 10 at 5:52 p.m. in Reed 116. The
workshop will cover ulcers, confusion and
cerebral seizures, as well as how to use the
$75 calculator your parents bought you.
Job Search: Representatives from the
Absolute Vodka Company will be on campus
April 15 in the Reed Conference Room to
discuss employment opportunities. Samples
will be distributed.
Conference: The Economy Office is
sponsoring the First Annual Penn State-Erie,
The Behrend College Scientific Research,
Creative Application and Tile Grouting
Conference for Sniveling and Groveling
Undergraduates. Students with nothing better
to do on the first Saturday in April are asked to
call Bitsy at extension 6723.
Real Entertainment: SPC is proud to
announce U 2 will perform at Bruno’s next
Friday. Tickets are available in the SPC office.
General seating: $l5O. Stage seating: Your
First Born.
Graduation: Seniors are reminded that
orders for toilet paper-thin caps and gowns
are due at the Bookstore by April 3. Seniors
ordering after April 3 will receive the
traditional Hare Krishna dress.
“Influencing your way to grad school”
will be presented by the Center for Career
Placement and Graft next Wednesday in
Hammermill 8 at 7 p.m. Proper bribe required.
The Chocolate Dependency Group will
meet next Thursday in Science 127 to make
final plans to attend the Chocolate
Dependency Caucus in Hershey, PA.
What the hell happened, anyway?, a
slide show chronicling the rise and fall of the
last 12 SOC presidents this semester, will be
shown in Reed 117 tonight.
The Young Conservatives are sponsoring
a mud wrestling event this Saturday in Erie
Hall. Featured combatants include “Slick” Bill
Clinton, Paul “Elmer” Tsongas and “Pit Bull”
Buchanan. Rep. Tom Ridge will also be on
hand to demonstrate the complete line of
Rubbergate household products.
The Collision
Like beauty, (s)he walks in the night...
Yuck: Winners of the 1992 Miss-ter Ugly Stick Pageant smile (sort of) after the crowning ceremony.
They are (left to right): First runner-up Rose “The Mouth” Spumonti, Miss-ter Ugly Stick Chester Wagei
and Second runner-up Bubba Ashley. Greg Geibel, known for only shooting pictures of pretty chicks, took
this picture - then hurled. Greg Gcibel/7Vie Collision
The Collision has caused sterility in laboratory rats and lawyers (like there's a difference.)
FOR HIRE:
Ex-college newspaper staff. No story too small, no
office too large. Strong vocabulary and fine gun
skills. Organized, timely and cooperative. Honest.
Contact that J. guy.
Police Report
Police and Safety cruiser plows
through front of Jimmy Z*s;
Officers blame faulty parking brake
Last night party-goers at
Jimmy Z's Timeout Tavern were
introduced to a new breed of party
crasher.
Behrend's Police and Safety
cruiser, a 1991 Ford Explorer,
crashed through the front wall of
the tavern, sending patrons
scrambling on top of pool tables,
pinball machines and drunk frat
boys to escape bodily harm.
"My God," said one patron,
”If they wanted a drink, all they
had to do was ask." Oddly
enough, the cruiser’s front end
was pointed towards Buffalo
Road, as though the unit was
backed into the building.
"We (hick) weren't anywhere
near no booze," exclaimed one
officer as he dropped his bottle of
Jim Beam. The officer then oozed
to the floor muttering something
about handcuffs and a petting
zoo, but it was nothing we felt
comfortable quoting.
Thursday, April 2,1992
Vehicle Fire
Police and Safety officers
responded to a vehicle fire over
the weekend. Apparently
maintenance personnel were
refueling a lawnmower, but failed
to remove the gas cap before
dispensing the fuel. Maintenance
officials said only three forest
creatures were injured in the
following blast.
Drug Use
On Monday Police and Safety
Officers investigated reports that
drugs were being distributed and
used in a university building.
After officers burst into the
building in question, the school
nurse bodily threw them out. "Of
course we give out drugs," said
the nurse. "It's the friggin' Health
Center.”