mm& I ; ... / wssj&yi-
Davis
Deported
Government officials claim
prof a dangerous terrorist
bv Hugo Willington
The ColUmloh
Last sight
Immigratios and
Naturalization officers,
accompanied by
Pennsylvania State
Troopers, wished Ursula
, Davis away from her
heme add out of the
country under a heavy ,
blanket of
'security* •'
Davis, an assistant
professor of
* communication here at
local terrorist ring
conspiring, among
other things, to install
Lynden Laßoushe as the
Supreme Leader of the
United States.
"We think she is a
very ' cunning and
capable woman, even if
she sounds tike she's
chewing,on a sweat sock
when sbe talks.” said an
FBI ageatwbo asked not
to he identified.
e Collision
"Where Fact and Fiction meet head on "
2,1992
Wish you were here: Behrend administrators are having a
good time in Port Ajuti-On-The-Bay. Pictured here is Sister
Agnes, David Shields. Dean Lilley, on the left, is bungee
jumping off of the roof. Bob Smed' 'he Collision
Commu
plans were developed
and how much overtime
well get for this Job. By
the way. is there a good
bar in this hole-of-a
town?” added the Agent.
Authorities, who
spoke to us on the
condition of anoaynrity
(this would he nor for
tttrlbuUm*, eh?), said
Davis' ring was almost
ready to implement
their plan.
This is darnnit
__ JUN 2 0 2001
Party O&r
Lilley, Shields enjoy fantasy
holiday at student expense
Port Ajuti-On-The-Bay, Jamaica -- Penn State-
Behrend's Provost and Dean John Lilley and some of his
key administrators were discovered at this resort city three
days ago, apparently paying for the junket out of student
funds.
The administrators were seen living it
beachfront condo with leaders from a local
members of petting zoo.
"What we've been
door neighbor Axel
even by my standards."
Rose said Lilley and Co. were prone to loud, raucous
parties involving strange party favors. "One night they
wheeled in this huge pot pie, big enough to fit three or
four people in," said Rose. "All of the sudden the pie burst
open and these nuns popped out. The only things they
were wearing were rosery beads and those head dohickies.
I couldn't believe it."
Lilley in particular seems to be having a good time. Rose
said Lilley used to jump naked in the wee hours of the
morning, but a nasty fall and the ensuing abbrasions made
nude bungee jumping "too painful," said Rose. "The first
time after the fall all you could hear was screaming, then a
BOING, then screaming, then a BOING, etc."
is most disturbing," said next
"They’re morally bankrupt --
seeing
Rose.
(continued on page IB)
up at their
nunnery and