Page 6
Mark's opinion of
bowling lands in the
gutter
by Mark Owens
The crowd buzzes as I step
up onto Lane 10, my right
thumb and Angers plunged into
Rosestud, my trusty AMF
Speedlite 22 lb. ball. I eye the
pins standing on the far side of
the lane, waiting to scatter as a
sphere of polymer and rubber
smacks into them at high
speed. A strike here lets me
take home $20,000 and a really
attractive plastic trophy. I take
a breath then deliver the ball,
aiming for the center pin.
Women swoon. Men spill
beer. Drunks hurl. Rosestud
plunges down the lane and...
My eyes unfocus just in
time for me to see my avocado
green ball drop into the gutter
and zip by the pins. Women
laugh. Men spill beer. The
pins snicker.
This semester finds me
taking bowling as my final PE
credit. Oh, sorry about that.
Now it's called ESACT -
Extremely Strenuous Activity
causing Cancer in laboratory
Toucans.
I don't know what
possessed me to take bowling,
since I've always had bad luck
with spherical objects. An
example: What do these things
From the Hi
Rejection can be fun
when handled properly
I got a rejection letter the other day from a company
I sent a resume to. It's not like it's a big deal or
anything. Well, not anymore at least
To keep the tears back, my roommates and I have
started a little game to see who can get the most
letters. I realize that getting the most rejection letters
isn't something to be proud of, but the way things
are going in today's society, it's the only way we
can keep our sanity.
Getting these letters doesn’t really bother me
anymore. The feeling of total belittlement wears off
after the eighth or ninth one, and I figure that if they
don't want me, then I don't want them.
We have found a special resting place for our
rejection letters, or should I say, an appropriate
place...the bathroom. Our bathroom walls have
taken on a totally new look with our special
wallpaper, while at the same time providing
interesting reading material.
I have received quite a few "flush letters" so far,
enough to fill an entire wall.
For about a week I was leading the competition,
but I think that I just fell into second place, so if
you'll excuse me, I have to go check my mailbox.
The Colie.
have in common?: Me, a bat, a
baseball and Mrs.
McLaughlin's bay window? Go
figure.
But I shouldn't belittle
bowling, a sport steeped (from
the Latin: dipped, like a cone)
in tradition and history. So
much, in fact, that I am going
to share some with you.
Bowling can be traced back
over a million years to the cave
man era, where archaeologists
have uncovered drawings
depicting the exploits of
bowling great Fred "Will-ma"
Flintstone.
The Egyptians adopted
bowling next, which made
sense. After a rough day
building pyramids and
inventing math, the Egyptians
liked nothing better than to
kick back at the alley with a
couple of brewskies and knock
some pins down.
Bowling disappeared for
5,000 years after that,
presumably so the Egyptians
could negotiate TV contracts
and hold player arbitration
hearings.
Bowling reappeared in
Germany during the third
century as a religious function.
Apparently the Germans would
carry clubs, called kegels.
ian - We're On To
The Collegian
around and bowl during church,
which probably upset the priest
to no end ~ but would you say
anything to a kegel-wielding
barbarian who wanted to work
on his delivery, especially in a
tough league with teams like
th' Goth 1 V ; ;hs >d
Mongol Horde?
Anyhow, the Germans
would set up a kegel at the end
of the church to symbolize the
heathen of their choice. If a
bowler knocked over the kegel,
he was to have slain said
heathen and was honored at a
Greg Geibel, sports
editor for The
Collegian, has been
accused of printing
photos of only pretty
girls.
Of It
The
Missing
Pieces
post-session banquet. Bowling
hasn't changed much since
then, which leads me to a quick
primer on how to bowl.
1) Rent Funky Tri-
Color Shoes: This tradition
started with the Visigoths, who
thought it would be fun to
wear ugly shoes. But then,
they were probably swilling
flagons of cheap ale, so putting
their eyes out with hot pokers
probably would have seemed
like fun as well.
2) Pick A Bali: Get
something that seems a bit
heavy, but not too heavy, since
you'll probably drop it on
someone's foot before the night
is over. True story: once I let
go of the ball too soon and it
flew behind me, right into one
of my bowling partners, who
was obviously upset, seeing as
it impacted with his... lower
torso area.
3) Pick A Lane: Find
something, anything, open. A
broom closet will do.
4) Order Something
From The Lounge: While
I'm certainly not advocating the
consumption of alcoholic
beverages, a Purple Hooter
usually loosens one up and
enables you to bowl a better
game. If nothing else, youll
Interested in taking over
The Collegian ?
Applications are now being accepted
for the position of editor of The
Collegian for the 1992-93 academic
year.
If you are a registered student in
good standing with the College, you
are eligible to apply.
If you are interested in applying,
you must submit a statement of
your journalistic qualifications,
your editorial philosophy, an
assessment of the current
strengths and weaknesses of The
Collegian , and your plans for the
organization of the staff.
Your application must be turned in
to The Collegian office no later than
Friday, Mar. 20, 1992. If you have
any questions about applying, call
The Collegian office at 898-6488
and ask for Todd J. Irwin, editor.
Thursday, February 27, 1992
never remember how lousy you
bowled. Repeat if necessary.
5) Bowl: If you've
gotten this far, congrats. I
rarely make it out of the
lounge.
Here is a list of bowling
etiquette, printed in the hopes
of helping you bowl better
or at least not end up buying
drinks because you had low
score.
1) Be courteous: Do
not disturb the bowler while he
is delivering the ball. He may
become shaken and prematurely
release the ball into your lower
torso area. Snickering and
chortling after release is not
approved of either, but should
begraded.
2) Respect the
equipment: Do not loft the
ball. Do not kick the ball. Do
not pass go. Do not collect
$2OO.
3) Respect your
teammates not. And finally:
4) Never bowl in
street shoes: Always wear a
sensible pump or loafer. And
make it an in-season color.
Nothing looks worse on a lane
than some clod wearing last
season's over-the-knee suede
boots (thanks Bonnie!).