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Mark's tips to surviving
in the world of job fairs
by Mark Owens
This week I thought I'd
spend some time talking about
job fairs, one of the
employment tools seniors use
for their job search. The job
search, for those that don't
know, is a quest that will
result in many of us asking
folks if they'd like to try one of
those nasty Breakfast
Burritos™ from McDonald's.
Most people, myself
included, usually go through a
lot in the morning to be clean
and odor free before going to
work, class, or whatever.
Because of this, I can't
understand how a young urban
professional, standing in her
bathroom at 7 a.m. swishing
Scope™ around her gums,
could think "Gosh, I think I'll
have a couple of those
Breakfast Burritos before going
to work and asking Mr.
Grimslcy for a raise."
Anyhow, this week we'll
be looking at the job fair,
which closely resembles a
cross between a cattle auction,
a roller derby and Spain's
annual Running of The Bulls,
but far less organized.
I'm going to take a second
to explain how a job fair
Map
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works. Those of you who've
been to a job fair before can
skip to the How To Grovel
For A Job. For those of you
who haven't been to one, read
on.
The basic idea behind a job
fair is to gel the "buyers"
(company personnel managers)
and "sellers" (students) together
in order to match up
compatible companies and
candidates for jobs. Nothing
could be easier... not.
There are a couple brutal
and ugly facts to point out
concerning job fairs:
Brutal and Ugly Fact
One: There are no jobs.
Contrary to popular belief, the
last actual job was filled in
March of 1989 by Alfonzo
Zuckermann of Queens, New
York. "Big Al," as his friends
call him, was hired on as a
high school janitor. Since then
evfrv nr'rcnn in the I I S has
been given "jobs" by the
federal government in order to
avoid voter panic.
These jobs basically
involve watching reruns of
MASH and eating crackers and
Chccz Whiz. The government,
by the way, would rather not
have everyone know this -
The Collegian
especially "Big Al"
Zuckermann, who'd be upset
knowing he's the last person in
America hired to clean toilet
bowls.
Brutal and Ugly Fact
Two: Everyone is on file.
Rather than find themselves
out of work, personnel
department managers have
devised a system that will let
them move paper around until
they can hire someone,
probably in 2042.
The
Missing
Pieces
This is known as "filing."
What happens is personnel
managers take the hundreds of
resumes they get at these fairs
and store them in big grey
filing cabinets, never to sec the
light of day again. Managers
then can claim they need weeks
- months maybe - to evaluate
them all.
No one actually evaluates
anything (and where did you
think recycled paper came
from, anyway?), but the head
office buys it. Your only hope
to land a job rests in your
resume not reaching a filing
cabinet, which leads to:
How to Grovel for a Job
I) Create a lasting
impression. I recommend
dressing in non-traditional
attire (such as a chicken
costume), offering to date ugly
sisters, setting your hair on fire
-- what ever it takes to make
sure the personnel director
remembers you long after the
job fair is over.
2) Separate yourself from
the competition. Both you and
the personnel director would be
happier if there weren't so
many dam applicants. If you're
willing to wail a little while to
gel your job (and don't mind
NOMINATION FORMS NOW AVAILABLE
The Guy W. Wilson Award for Excellence
in Academic Advising
Council of Fellows
Excellence in Teaching Award
Nominations must be submitted to the
Office of the Provost and Dean by
Friday, March 6, 1992.
Any student, member of the administration, student group,
or faculty member may submit a nomination form.
Nomination Forms are available in the Library,
the Office of Student Services,
Academic Unit Offices,
and the Office of the Provost and Dean.
Thursday, January 30, 1992
FOR
coniinca spaces;, t recommend
bringing an automatic weapon
to your next job fair. And a
good lawyer.
3) Stay out of the file.
Veteran job-seekers know the
phrase "We'll keep you on file"
is the kiss of death. Usually
the next person to handle your
resume, after the personnel
director, is Charlie, the paper
recycler, whos sole job in life
is to make sure the good office
paper doesn't get mixed up the
Breakfast Burrito™ wrappers.
One way to stay out of the
file is to make your resume
unique from all of the others.
Use fluorescent paper, wild
designs and catchy phrases like
"Planned a most excellent
campaign to reap fundage from
the aged yuppiclators."
The other method is to
reduce the number of resumes
personnel directors sec at job
lairs. My method involves a
distracted personnel director, a
slack of OPR (other people's
resumes) and a Bic lighter.
Very effective.
And finally, when
venturing out into that cruel
job market, always use Mark's
Maxim: Be bold, be creative -
you know... lie.