Thursday, January 23, 1992
Boy meets girl: Andy explains
by Andrew Festa
A few days ago, someone
told me she felt all men were
insecure. Some time ago, a
female friend said taen need
to be needed.
Women's Lib has done a
lot to help the cause of
women, but it’s also screwed
things up quite a bit.
Women now seem to have
this great universal
understanding of men, all the
while claiming to be
unreadable and complex.
Humans, by their very
nature, are complex creatures
and they're impossible to
define. Neither sex can
understand the other.
Women’s Lib, however, has
turned a great many woman
into scared and scarred
puppets of its doctrine.
Of course, Women’s Lib
isn’t entirely to blame. A
good deal of the blame rests
on the uncaring men and
women who have hurt the
one they profess to love.
Those who have been hurt
tend not to trust others and
also tend to hurt those they
profess to love later in life.
This isn’t always the. case,
nor can a generalization be
made, but the fact that this
cycle exists at all is a shame
for those who never find (or
hold onto) that special
someone.
Many women I've talked
Pilgrim's progress: pigeon pilaf
by Mike Royko
A woman strolling through
Chicago's Grant Park on a recent
Sunday was horrified to see two
men stalking pigeons.
One man would throw some
breadcrumbs on the ground to
lure the pigeons to him.
When the pigeons gathered,
the other man would sneak up on
them and slam a long-handled
fishing net over one or two of
them. Then he would stuff them
into a canvas sack.
"They caught more than a
dozen pigeons just while I was
watching," the woman said.
She asked the men what they
were doing. Neither man spoke
much English, and they had
difficulty understanding her. But
finally one of them smiled
happily, pointed at the sack, and
said: "Eat, eat!"
"Can you imagine?" the
woman said. "They were catching
the pigeons to eat them. It's
unbelievable."
Not really. People have been
snatching pigeons out of the
parks and eating them ever since
there were pigeons in the parks.
The police say the practice has
always been most popular among
more recent European-born
immigrants and some Asians
who eat pigeons in their
homeland.
to say they don’t trust'men
because they've been hurt
before (as if men haven't),
but they fail to realize they’ve
fallen into a negative gyre (a
downward spiral).
Boy meets girl. They fall
in love. Girl trusts boy. Boy
hurts girl. Girl leaves. Girl
meets another boy. They fall
in love. Boy trusts girl. Girl
hurts boy. Boy leaves. Boy
meets another girl. They fall
in love. Girt trusts boy. Boy
hurts girt. GOD! (Deity - Fate
- Nature - whatever) When
does the stupidity end.
There's been quite a few
publicized cases where a
woman (or some women)
complain about die centerfold
photos or posters of women
wearing swimsuits (or less)
hanging in public places.
Women complain about these
photos because of the amount
of flesh visible. I'm sure
many women are sincerely
offended by the photos and
posters, but many aren’t.
How can they possibly expect
men to take them seriously
when they wear only a thread
or two more themselves, and
in the same public places?
Most men do have a
strange tendency: When they
see an attractive woman,
especially one showing most
of herself to the world, men
smile and fill with a \yarm
feeling (otherwise, therc'd be
When I told the woman that,
she said: "Then it must be
illegal. And isn’t it unhealthy? I
mean, they're such filthy little
things."
No, it is not illegal to catch
and eat a city pigeon, unless it
happens to be someone’s trained
homing pigeon. And in that case,
it's doubtful that the owner would
know you had eaten his trained
homing pigeon. Besides, if the
little bugger doesn't have enough
sense to go home, then he has to
face the consequences.
I asked the Park District's
main offices if there is any law
against catching pigeons, and
spokesman Ben Bentley said:
"The pigeons go in the park, but
we’re not responsible for them.
We have enough to worry about
with muggers without trying to
keep an eye on pigeons."
As for their being unhealthy,
that is not true. The city's health
office says that there is nothing
harmful about eating a city
pigeon, so long as you remember
to remove its feathers first. And
don't swallow the bones. Or the
beak.
"Oh, my God, that's terrible,"
said the squeamish woman who
brought this matter to my
attention. "They're like pets «
little tame things. How can
anyone eat something that’s like
a pet?"
The Collegian
no need for bedroom lights
and people would copulate
like robots).
Of course, only men do
this politically incorrect thing.
Women are much more
refined and they have total
self control. They'd never
look at men the way men look
at women. (Yeah, and we can
all travel through time in
Orwell's machine.)
Women go to work
wearing skimpy dresses or,
as was pointed out in a recent
Ann Landers column in the
Erie Times, with see-through
clothes. And, everything is
supposed to be fine and
dandy?
Just once I'd like to see a
man go to work showing as
much skin as women do.
Forty-nine percent of the
women would drool (though
they'd nevcr.publicly admit
it); Forty-nine percent of the
I'm sure many people share
her feelings. And I find their
attitude ridiculous. What's wrong
with eating something that's like
a pet? People do it all the lime.
After all, many people keep
tropical fish or goldfish in their
homes. They feed them, make
sure they have enough air
bubbles in the tank, and change
the water. These fish are treated
like pets.
But they will go to a
restaurant and eat fried smelts,
although these little creatures are
just as cute and wiggly as their
tropical fish.
People eat ducks all the time,
although the duck is, in my
opinion, a far more likable bird
women would cry
'harassment.' (The other two
percent arc still waiting for
their glasses to be repaired.)
Before Women's Lib
began making changes, the
situation needed to be
corrected (the situation of
how women were treated and
pcreeived). Many posi live
things have come from those
early efforts, and I think
there's still room for
improvements. But not all
the corrections have been for
the best.
Some cures were needed,
some still are. Some of those
cures, however, have proven
to be worse than the original
ills.
Women needed equality:
equal pay, equal treatment,
equal opportunity, equal
rights all around. In many
ways, women have become
equal. In some ways they still
have a way to go. And, in
still other ways, they’ve
surpassed men leaving men
on the pointy end of the shaft.
(Is that ok? Right a wrong
with a wrong?)
As for relationships,
women have gained the
ultimate in equality: they can
be, and sometimes are jerks,
just like men. The sad part to
that aspect is, men, by virtue
of their John Wayne
upbringing, aren't nearly as
free to show their pain.
Men aren't the only ones
than the city pigeon. All a duck
wants to do is paddle happily
around a lake, sticking its rear
end up every so often, just like a
tourist.
Yet, people who might cringe
at the idea of eating a Grant Park
pigeon will eagerly plunge their
teeth into the dead body of a poor
little ducky-wuck.
Or consider the lamb. You
won't ever run into a more
pleasant, even-tempered, friendly,
pet-like beastie than a lamb.
There is no record in all of
history of a lamb ever attacking a
human being. All they do is go
baa. Lambs are quite decent.
Compare the temperament of
the lamb to that of the cat. Cats
are really vicious. They kill little
birds, squirrels, tiny mice, and
anything else that is defenseless.
If a cat doesn't like your looks,
he'll sink his claws into your
arm. My elderly aunts all swore
that if you dared sleep with a cat
in the house, he would surely
pluck out your jugular vein some
dark night. Cals give people the
evil eye.
Lambs never do any of those
terrible things. But old people are
always eating lambs. They eat
their ribs and shanks and all
different parts of the little dears.
Yet, these same lamb
devouring people would turn
green if you suggested that they
Page 5
insecure (those who arc,) nor
are they the only ones who
need to be needed. And,
women aren't the only ones
who can be deeply hurt and
scarred.
This poem I wrote some
time ago says it all:
MEMORIES BETWEEN
THEM
They stare at each other,/
hands held tightly,/ looking
for the questions to their
answers./ Hearts infuse with
new current,/ smiles take to
the air./joy rides them.//
They step forward, touch,/
and jump back,/ aching to
touch again,/ but afraid to go/
down the well traveled road/
which has brought them to/
detours, downed bridges,/
and crashes too often
before.//
Questions gambol up, out,
forth,/ touching memories on
the surface./ Yesterday's tears
step in,/ like a cordon
between, yet around them./
Memories hold hearts for
ransom;/hands, loose, grip
for each other./ Yesterday
becomes the enemy,/ Today
falls victim to memories
between them./ Tomorrow
jumps the growing void/ to
reach for the leaving./
Another tear-drop falls.
Andrew Fesia is a tenth
semester English major. His
column appears every other
week in The Collegian.
eat a cat.
I don't see why. I've never
eaten a cat. At least, not yet. But
there are some parts of the world
in which cats are eaten when they
are available.
They're supposed to taste
pretty good, if prepared properly,
although I still haven't found a
cookbook with a recipe for cat.
Don't misunderstand me. I'm
not recommending that anybody
go to Grant Park and catch
themselves a Thanksgiving
dinner, although there are many
excellent recipes for pigeon and
I assume that you would cook up
a city pigeon the same way as a
commercial bird.
Nor do I recommend that
anyone eat a cat -- theirs or
anyone else's. Whether one eats a
cal or not is a personal choice,
and I don't want to sway anyone
one way or another.
But if you do, there is one
obvious cooking tip: Always
remember to remove the bell
from the cat's collar before
cooking. You don't want to make
a tinkling noise every time you
burp.
Mike Royko is a Chicago
based, nationally syndicated
columnist. His column appears
weekly in The Collegian.