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Ask Louanne
The Collegian's Advice Column
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Counselor
FREE HELP
Dear Louanne,
I am a female, working adult student, who was
recently married. I am finding it difficult to balance my
responsibilities as a wife, employee, college student, and
homemaker. The biggest problem is keeping up with
things at home, because housework doesn't have a "due
date." My husband doesn't help out around the house.
Although he appreciates a clean house, a dirty one doesn't
bother him enough to help with the cleaning and upkeep. I
am exhausting myself trying to do everything. How can I
balance my roles and convince my husband that
housework needs to be shared when both spouses work?
Dear Woman With Many Hats,
Your letter was very timely. I took it to the Returning
Adult Women's Support Group on campus and asked
them for advice. They came up with some good ideas:
There are still some men left today who have been
raised in families with traditional male roles that are very
resistant to change. It's important to realize you can't
change your husband. You can change yourself; and, with
good communications, your husband may surprise you
and decide to make some changes too.
First, you need to take stock of your own standards.
Are they too high? Are you a perfectionist? Do you need
to weed out the "shoulds" from an early generation of full
time homemakers? It sounds like your husband doesn't
believe that "cleanliness is next to godliness." The group
suggested you try a major time management redesign.
Make a list. Eliminate or cut back whatever possible.
Prioritize. Allow yourself to do little pieces without
having to finish the whole job (like cleaning out one
drawer at a time). Practice leaving messes like unmade
beds and breakfast dishes. Change the beds and vacuum
once every two weeks, instead of every week. Try using
frozen convenience foods on weeknights, if you haven't
already done so. At first it will be hard; but, believe me, it
gets easier with practice.
As for your husband, don't assume that he will know
what to do if he really cares. Remember, he may have had
no helpful role models growing up. Try working out a
schedule for the work that really needs to be done. Include
your schoolwork on the schedule. Be sure to schedule
time to relax or play. (It will do wonders for your attitude
and energy level.) Share your schedule with your
husband. Ask for his input. Ask him which specific tasks
he would be willing to pick up. Agree upon a general time
frame, but let him decide when he wants to do the work.
Remember to make clear "I" statements describing what
you want and need. Don't assume, accuse, or generalize.
Be specific and timely. Your husband may surprise you.
If he does, be sure to tell him how much you appreciate
his help.
One woman in the group had a final piece of advice:
"If you ever have a son, spare his future wife this
problem."
P.S. The Woman's Support Group meets Tuesdays at
noon in the Reed Seminar Room.
A Woman With Many Hats
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