Thursday, October 31, 1991
Mark on
dressing
Sonny as
by Mark Owens
Nope, no ghost -- just little
'ole me. I know it's been a
while since I've checked in
I find it very, very hard to believe small
children, dressing up as their favorite
cartoon and TV characters, will have the
uncontrollable urge to sacrifice the
family pet when they get home tonight.
with you, but I've been
seeing someone. My therapist
says I'm almost cured of my
fixation concerning carpet and
R-rated pictures of David
Shields. Frankly, I'm feeling
much better now.
But let's talk about
ghosts, since it's Halloween -
- one of my favorite holidays,
right up there with Christmas,
Arbor Day and Dave Shield's
birthday (hey, it's almost
cured).
As a kid Lcouldn't wait to
hop into my costume and, for
a couple of hours, be Luke
Team nicknames teem
by Mike Royko
"I can see you got the shakes
real bad," Slats Grobnik said.
"And red eyes and the sweats. The
whole works. You're a real
wreck."
Yes, I've had better days.
"Goin' through controversy
withdrawal again, huh?"
That's it
"Yeah, I figured. All those
weeks of Judge Thomas and
Professor Hill and the goofy
senators and the blacks being mad
and the women being mad and
everybody in the country on one
side or the other. Now, barn, it's
all over. Now you're coming
down. Controversy withdrawal.
And you got to cold turkey."
If only I could control the
twitching.
"You knoCy what you need to
calm the nerves? A hair of the
dog that bit ya. A stiff belt of
controversy."
Sure, the party's over. There's
nothing left but the dregs, some
dull pontification about
heightened sensitivity.
"Yeah, but there's other stuff.
It ain't got the same 86-proof
jolt, but it would help you come
down off your high."
Such as?
"Well, what about the
Indians? They might not send
you on a controversy bender, but
you ought to be able to get a
sugar, cross
costumes, and
Cher A
Skywalker, Evil Kenevil,
Fozi the Bear or some other
childhood idol. I also
couldn't wait to collect the
3.7 metric tons of candy from
my neighbors. Mom was
never thrilled with the idea,
but then looking back, I
suppose having an eight-ycar
old me wired on sugar for
three weeks wouldn't have
been that thrilling.
Even now, as an alleged
grown-up, I enjoy going to
costume parties as something
other than me. Not only is
this an opportunity to acquire
candy (I don't think I'd pass
as a trick-or-treater), but it's a
socially-acceptable chance to
act out a fantasy. One of my
apartment roomics, whose
name has been changed to
decent buzz on."
The Indians? I haven't been
paying attention. Arc they irate
about something?
"Oh, yeah. Lots of them arc
mad because the Atlanta Braves
fans have been doing 'the chop.'
They swing little toy
tommyhawks and make noise
like they're on the warpath. And
some of them wear those
hairpieces with feathers. The real .
Indians say this is an insult and a
stereotype. And they say that the
only time real Indians wear those
hairpieces with feathers is on a
few solemn occasions. And a ball ,
game in Atlanta, with Jane Fonda
in the front row swinging a
tommyhawk', ain't one of these
solemn occasions."
I can see their point. They
have ' long obietted In Native
Americans being used as the
symbols of sports teams such as
the Cleveland Indians, the
Washington Redskins and the
Atlanta Braves.
"Right. And when you think
about it, that don't make sense.
There can't be many Indians
living in Cleveland. If they were,
they'd bust out of Cleveland and
fight their way to a reservation.
And the only guy I see in
Washington with red skin is Ted
Kennedy after he had a bad night.
Or a good one."
That's true. And it must be
painful to the Native Americans
The Collegian
avoid litigation, recently had
this conversation which
proves this point:
Me: Going to any costume
parties this week?
Bob: You bet. I just can't
decide what to go as. You
think I could pass for Loni
Anderson?
Me: Umm...
Bob: Or maybe Madonna.
Think I should shave my
legs?
Me: Nah. Shave your
head.
when, year after year, they hear
fans say that the Indians stink.
Or that the Braves were pathetic.
"You got it. I mean, why
should teams be named after
Indians anyhow? If we want to be
fair about it, teams should be
,gg.
groups in the cities they
represent."
Such as?
"Like New York. They got a
big Jewish population, and
Italian and Irish, right? So instead
of the New York Mets, they
could be called the New York
Rabbis. And maybe the Yankees
could be the New York
Paizanos."
I don't know about that.
Some people might be offended if
they saw a headline that said:
"Cubs Crush Rabbis."
The
Missing
Pieces
Bob: Sinad O'Conner!
Great idea!
Some people would
probably call me immature for
wanting to dress up and go
trick-or-treating. Some would
call me odd for rooming with
a guy who wants to cross
dress for success. And, if I
lived in a Houston, Texas
suburb, I'd be called a satan
worshiper. No kidding.
Last week the Associated
Press wired a story from
Houston. It seems the Aldine
School District has banned
Halloween costumes this
year, claiming they promote
satanic worship in children.
This has caused quite a stir
in homes across the country.
For years small children have
been dressing up as knights
and princesses. Now all of
the sudden, they're Children
of Satan. Why?
"Subconsciously, the
costumes plant bad seeds in
the children," said Sonny
Donaldson, school
superintendent.
But perhaps I'm being too
hasty here. One of the Aldine
School District officials sent
me an analysis of a favorite
Halloween chant used by
"Sure, but they wouldn't be
the Cubs. What's the biggest
ethnic group in the Chicago area?
We have the largest Polish
population outside of Warsaw.
"Right. So the Cubs become
the Chicago Poles. Think about
that. When the fans got pumped
up, they could all start dancing
the polka. That's better than a
wave. And they could sing it too.
Maybe that one I like, the 'I Got
a Girlfriend, Her Name is Mable
Polka.' See, Mable rhymes with
table, so you can put in dirty
lyrics. Or instead of Mable, 'I
Got a Girlfriend, Her Name is
Nelly,' and Nelly rhymes with
belly, so that one could get wild,
too."
No, I think those songs have
a potential for trouble. And I
would be apprehensive about a
headline that says: "Poles Stomp
Rabbis."
"Yeah, you might be right.
OK, then instead of the Rabbis,
they could be called the New
York Bagels. Then the headline
could say: 'Poles Chew Up
Bagels.-
That could be acceptable, I
suppose, but it still doesn't
resolve the grievances of the
Native Americans.
"Sure it does. Atlanta has a
big African-American population,
right? So they'd become the
Atlanta Africans."
Yes, but then you could have
Me: I'm outta here
with trouble
Page 5
scores of children every year
Judge for yourself:
Trick or Treat: The
traditional holiday salutation.
Smell my feet: Some
scholars believe this is a
reference to sulfur and
brimstone, two elements
commonly believed to be
found in the bowels of Hell.
Give us something
good to eat: Obviously a
reference to human sacrifice.
Personally, I think the
Aldine School District is
being a little paranoid. My
generation, and most of the
ones before us, have always
dressed up and gone trick-or
treating. While I'm sad to say
the trick-or-treating part had
become dangerous over the
past few years, I find it very,
very hard to believe small
children, dressing up as their
favorite cartoon and TV
characters, will have the
uncontrollable urge to
sacrifice the family pet when
they get home tonight.
As for Sonny Donaldson,
some have said he's been
standing in the Houston sun
too long. Me -- I think he's
just worried people will see
him dressing up as Cher.
headlines saying: "Africans Bite
Bagels." That would be bizarre.
"Not if the Bagels won. Then
it would be 'Bagels Conk
Africans. -
That would be even more
bizarre. I think your ideas might
be too controversial. What if we
wound up with a season in which
Atlanta and Chicago were in the
final game of the playoffs. You
know what the headlines would
say?
"Yeah. 'Showdown between
the Africans and Poles.' Sounds
exciting to me."
I think this has the potential
for creating ill feelings.
"So? How do you think those
Native Americans feel when they
see a story that says: 'Yankees
Crush Indians?' No wonder
they're mad."
You have a point.
"Sure. So we can rename all
the teams that way. Figure out
what the biggest group is in a
city."
OK, which city is next?
"How about San Francisco?"
I think I've had my
controversy fix, thank you.
Mike Royko is a Chicago
based, nationally syndicated
columnist. His column appears
weekly in The Collegian.