Thursday, February 7, 1991
Wading through the muck
Love is a pipe dream
Let's face it, relationships are
one of the most screwed up
things around. The reason I bring
this up is because spring is in the
air, even if we are at the furthest
point from the sun in Erie, and
everything that's not frozen is
shivering.
The amusing thing at the
beginning of semesters is that
your average meal turns into a
meat-auction. New girls get
shipped here and walk through
Dobbins or The Gorge while a
hundred guys indiscreetly gawk
and grunt something about
letting her eat crackers in their
beds.
Of course, some of these guys
are also the same guys who go
around threatening kids for
talking to their girlfriends. It's
about as easy to find a possessive
guy up here as it is to find a cop
with nothing better to do than
ticket your car three or four times
a day.
Relationships are nothing but
a big gamble. Looking for the
perfect person to hang out with
never seems to work. It always
turns out that the person you
decide that you actually wouldn't
mind going out with more than
twice happens to be the person
whom you never thought to go
after.
Finding a decent relationship
as a guy isn't easy, but I assume
it would be less of a gamble than
it would be for a woman. Being
in college and being female and
being available is beyond the
War? The real one hasn't
by Mike Royko
It was a puzzling question.
The acquaintance asked: "How
could you be on vacation when
this country has gone to war?"
The answer was that I'm not a
general, a think-tank analyst, or
even a heroic anchorman proudly
waving a gas mask, all of whom
are essential to the war effort.
Like most Americans, my
patriotic duty is limited to
watching TV at all hours of the
day and night and expressing
pride in our obviously superior
microchips.
But because of the genius of
mankind, it no longer matters
where you are. You can be in a
motel in Nashville or an oyster
bar in Sarasota and see missiles
and bombs splattering people as
clearly as if you were right there.
Which proves again that we
live in wonderful times. I
remember World War 11, when we
had to go to a movie theater and
wait for the newsreel segments
before we could see anyone die.
And even then, the primitive,
grainy film might be several
weeks old, and with no instant
replay.
Finally, I told my
acquaintance, what's the big rush?
The real war hasn't started yet.
What we're getting is something
like the pre-game show before the
kickoff.
grasp of my imagination. I'd be
in constant fear that every time I
went out with a guy, I'd run the
risk of becoming the story behind
some little fraternity brother's
name.
The big gamble, I guess, is
just getting respect. Some girls
won't mess around much, and
they are respected because of that.
Some girls mess around a lot and
seem to attract a good deal of
attention because of it, as if it
were a greatly positive quality.
The gray area would probably be
created by the fact that the act of
sex pretty much looks the same
to the casual observer whether it's
a one night stand or a bonus of a
relationship.
People start assuming things.
I guess the probability of sex
turning into a relationship is
inversely proportional to the
amount of alcohol consumed.
This all, of course, is under the
shadow of the usual fears that
someday, no matter what path
you travel, you'll wake up some
morning with a disease that even
the clinic doctor can't quite
pronounce.
Finding the perfect person is
as much a pipe dream as
anything. It can't really happen.
You can get a "perfect" car, but
eventually the NSX will break
down on some abandoned road.
Maybe you buy a "perfect" album
(Wait...sorry, I guess they don't
make those anymore. I'm so
nostalgic, I remember the days of
$.25 stamps, free ice water at The
Gorge, and when people thought
True, bombs are being
dropped and missiles triggered,
but as any football coach would
say (coaches are combat generals
at heart): "You've got to establish
the ground game."
That's when the real war will
begin. And if you don't believe
that, you haven't been listening
to the countless retired generals,
former White House aides and the
think-tank experts who seem to
be sleeping on cots in the TV
studios.
Most of them say the same
thing, in one way or another. The
air war makes for colorful film
footage,but we can't win just by
dropping bombs and firing
missiles. At some point our
many foot soldiers must go in
and try to kill Saddam's many
foot soldiers. And his foot
soldiers will, of course, try to
kill our foot soldiers. As the
retired generals have pointed out,
it's gory and messy, but that's the
way wars are fought.
And it can be a slow process,
especially if Saddam's huge army
is dug in and his many tanks and
fighter planes are well concealed,
as they appear to be.
So there's no point in sitting
glued to the TV and euphorically
gasping "wow" every time a Scud
missile is destroyed by a heroic
Patriot missile, or grinding our
teeth in rage when we see and
unfortunate glop-covered duck
The Collegian
that SPC would make Bruno's a
breathtaking success.) ...anyhow,
after a while you'll even get bored
with that.
Strangely, it's different with
friends. There's no pressure. It
doesn't matter how you phrase
things to a friend, or that you
show up at their dorm drunk in
yesterday's clothes.
Another big thing I see is
whether or not you smoke. If a
guy smokes and his chick
doesn't, he smokes the cigarettes
that he told her he quit smoking
later on with his friends. If a
JOHN
EINOLF
chick smokes, you can bet the
guy will be sucking down tar
within weeks. It's all a part of
being whipped, I guess.
Another thing I can't figure
out is when you're hanging out
with a chick who you're pretty
impressed by, and the thing
breaks off, what happens? Why
all of the sudden can't you figure
out why you ever had a
conversation with that person,
never mind spending a month
with them?
Its strange, I mean the line
between love and hate is so easy
to cross. Once you cross it
though, all you want from the
girl are your tapes and that
caught in Saddam's oil slick. As
they say in the Army: "We're in
for the duration."
t oot* ,
,
MIKE ROYKO
How long the duration will
be, nobody knows. But our
leaders are now saying that it
could be months. How many
months, nobody knows, either. I
suppose it depends on what we
decide is our final objective.
Is our objective only to get
Saddam out of Kuwait and declare
that we've won? At one time,
that seemed to be our goal, but
now would it be enough?
Remember, if that's all we
accomplish, Saddam will still be
running Iraq.
He'll probably have most of
of relationships
sweater she borrowed. The old
joke about being friends
afterwards is kinda silly, and is
one of the most cliched lie
promises in any relationship.
The great lie of every
relationship, well not every one,
is about the past. There's always
some guy who gets all impressed
with himself when a chick tells
him he's the best she's ever been
with. Let's be sealistic, shall we?
If you're insecure enough to even
bother asking, what do you
expect her to say? "Well,
honestly, you're a complete
failure in bed. In fact, I'm
thinking of asking your best
friend out tomorrow."
Honesty doesn't work in
relationships. There's so much
we don't have to deal with by just
playing along (Somewhere there's
a girl who'll read this and ask her
boyfriend, "You're not like that,
right?" "Of course not."). The
whole love thing seems to be one
person playing along with the
other person until the two of
them forget who's playing along
("You do love me, don't you?"
"Yeah, of course.").
The room for honesty is
simply not there; egos are too
fragile ("Do you think I'm
pretty?" "Yeah, of course."). Do
you realize how angry and jealous
everyone would be if we were all
honest? ("Do you think that the
girl you always talk to is
attractive?" "Of course not,
uhh...she's ugly.")
The one I never understood
was why a girl would even bother
started yet
his army and air force. He'll be
able to resume pumping and
selling oil and making money
that he can spend on new
missiles and other nasty doo-dads.
If he has the bucks, somebody
will have the products. He might
even try to sneak in the makings
of a nuclear bomb. Is this nation
prepared to have every future
Super Bowl crowd frisked from
head to toe and denied umbrellas
and hip flasks?
If not, then our objective has
to be more than freeing Kuwait.
We must fight our way into Iraq
and capture or kill the Great Eye-
Plucker himself. That's a mighty
chore, but we don't have much
choice. Remember, we've been
told that Saddam is another
Hitler. We didn't stop at the
Rhine and cut any deals with
Germany, So how can we just
walk away and let this new Hitler
menace the free world's life,
liberty and the pursuit of a stress
free Super Bowl Sunday?
No, he must be brought
down. You believe it and I
believe it. I know that to be true
because the latest scientific polls
of 900 Americans tells us that
the vast majority of 250 million
Americans wants us to get in
there and really win.
That's why we must learn to
control our euphoria and develop
patience, a stiff upper lip and a
non-trembling lower lip.
Page 5
asking a guy if he's cheated on
her. Why would she even expect
him to be honest? Like there
would be any day where a guy
would really feel up to dealing
with his chick finding about his
infidelity. Not only that, but he'd
feel like an idiot having her find
through him.
All this, of course, will leave
me in the doghouse if and when
my girlfriend reads this. No
doubt, I'll be saying, "Of course
none of this applies to us. Of
course I'm always honest."
For the record, I'm all for
relationships and honesty (on the
large scale). It's just that
relationships either suck or are
confusing as death or are your
average American no-end-in-sight
puppy - eyed dream.
Everyone gets hung up in
relationships sooner or later. A
lot of times we lose friends to
"marriage" or the next best thing.
It's kinds sad when I think of my
brother; just out of PSU, good
job, but also a wife. It seems like
his life is over, he's reached the
dreaded adulthood. It's not that we
should waste our lives in a
fantasy that we never grow up
and stay in college forever, but
something like marriage is too
bizarre to conceive. Forget it,
we're way too young to worry
about that.
John Einolf is a second
semester pre-law major. His
column runs every other week in
The Collegian.
Achieving our objectives, as the
military briefers say, and
accomplishing our mission, as
they also say, will take a while.
In a ground war, as in the ground
game, you have to grind it out a
chunk at a time. And if you look
at a map, there are an awful lot of
chunks over there.
But as the infallible polls
show, Americans are willing to
face this challenge, no matter
how many months it takes. The
yellow ribbon industry is
reporting a brisk business, and
flag sales are rising. So it's clear
that we're up to the task.
And once the real war begins,
life will return to something
approaching normalcy. As during
past wars, days will pass with
nothing much happening except a
few deaths there. Before long,
we'll be able to keep up with
events by catching the evening
news or glancing at the front
page. And some night Ted
Koppel will come on with a
show about what's going on in
Lithuania.
I just hope the polls don't
change now that we know what
we think. That could be too
confusing.
Mike Royko is a Chicago
based nationally syndicated
columnist. His column appears
weekly in The Collegian.