Page 6
The Return of
Mr. Sensitivity
by Mark Owens
My father once gave me a
piece of valuable advice.
"Son," he said, "this is a world
full of greedy, slothful people
who crave material things and
expect you to supply their
wants on command. The chips
are out in the kitchen. Oh, and
don't forget the dip."
I tried this advice out on
my roommate while we were
watching TV over break. He
looked at me for a moment,
then kindly suggested that I run
outside and violently implode
on myself.
While cleaning up the
remnants of our slothful and
decadent living over break the
other day (which one friend had
described as a bear's hibernation
cave from Hell, i.e. papers,
pizza boxes, fossilized
Twinkies and the bones of
small mammals scattered
about), I had a startling
revelation: We are not a
sensitive society.
Some of you probably
already knew that, seeing as
you didn't spend most of your
vacation watching Disney
cartoons like I did. But it was a
shocking discovery: people not
sensitive enough to each other?
No!
Intrigued by this apparent
Louanne on handling war stress
Ask Louanne
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Counselor
DID SOMEBODY
CALL ME?
presumption that we humans
are the insensitive crud between
the toes of the universe, I went
to see a resident expert in the
field of sensitivity: Dr. Kallus
Jerck, who works at the
B ehrend In sT itute for
Existential and Metaphysical
Expression (BITEME).
Because he was on a tight
schedule (at least that's what
the secretary said while reading
her latest Danielle Steele
novel), I only had a few
minutes to speak with Dr.
Jerck. Our conversation went
something like this:
Me: Hi, Dr. Jer-
Dr. Jerck: Well! Come
on in -- and shut the door.
Were you born in a barn?
Hahahaha, just a joke!
Me: umm, erk.
Dr. Jerck: I've only got a
few minutes to explain this
insensitivity crisis to you
before my golf party arrives, so
sit down, shut up and listen.
Me: erk erk.
Dr Jerck: Humans, by
nature, are insensitive to the
needs and feelings of others.
We tend to ignore -- don't
slouch -- other's suffering and
pain for our own greedy needs
and desires. It is our job here at
BITEME to educate people in
the ways of sensitivity,
EVEN IF THEY DON'T
The Collegian
LIKE IT!
Me: bu-
Dr. Jerck: Shut up! Our
goal is to strip language and
culture of everything that
might be offensive to
someone, thus making it easier
for everyone to be sensitive
*.,;i
ALL OF THE TIME!!
It was at this point that the
secretary buzzed the good
doctor to inform him that the
golfing party was outside,
parked in a handicapped zone.
With a flurry of brochures and
Dear Louanne,
I'm really depressed. This war is really beginning to get me
down. I go to bed with it at night and get up with it in the
morning. Everytime I turn on the radio or TV I hear about
another pilot down or another hit on Tel Aviv. It's hard to
concentrate on studying. Everything else seems irrelevant. I
could get drafted and the what difference would school make
anyway.
Shell-shocked by TV
Dear Shell-shocked,
You're not the only one. It seems like the war is
all we think about, all we talk about. I found
myself. staring at the TV last week like a zombie
watching replay after replay. I was hard to find
anything to feel good about. I'm beginning to think
we can be more help if we shut off the TV sets for
awhile and try to get on with our lives.
War doesn't make any sense no matter how hard
we try to figure it out. For some of us it helps to
turn to a higher power. For others it helps to get
involved in some humanitarian peace effort, writing
letters to the troops, wearing a yellow ribbon,
sending "care" packages. Today from 11 a.m. to 1
p.m. in the Wintergarden there will be a tribute to
our troops. Come hang a ribbon on the tree tonight.
Thursday at 6 p.m. in the lobby outside the
Wintergreen Cafe, a support group will meet to
discuss and share concerns. One topic will be the
draft. I have some information I can share with
you.
Louanne
Send letters to Louanne Barton. Reed Bldg. 898-6164
The
Missing
Pieces
a last minute admonishment to
"Be sensitive, damnit!" I was
ushered out of the building.
I never knew how just how
insensitive we were as a
species until I read BITEME's
literature. Even the sound of
some words can be offensive to
some people.
Take for example the word
VACILLATE: professors and
scads of scholars use it in their
lectures, papers and everyday
breakfast conversations. It has
even (gasp) been used in The
Collegian by a well-known
academic deity.
While it means to sway
from one side to another (as in
an issue or opinion), The
researchers at BITEME contend
the very sound of VACILLATE
could conjure up thoughts of
sin and corruption. An
example: "I'd like to talk
Willma, but I have to vacillate
with my undulating elk, which
is in the dryer at the moment."
Undulating, by the way, is
another word which the
researchers at BITEME are
concerned about.
But don't take my word that
people today are as sensitive as
compost : Take this simple,
idiot-proof scientific
Sensitivity Test compiled by
myself and Jim, a cashier at a
local 7-11 store.
Thursday, January 31, 1991
1) How sensitive are
you?
a) Dense as stone
b) Average
c) Very
d) Everything, save my
pituitary gland, is ticklish
2) How do you feel
about yourself?
a) Fat
b) Ugly
c) Fat and Ugly
d) With both hands
3) Would you describe
yourself as aggressive?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Who the hell asked you?
4) If a friend
approached you with an
embarrassing problem,
how would you react?
a) Listen with compassion
and empathy
b) Nod and clip my
fingernails
c) Snicker
d) Fax it to every office on
the East Coast
Next Time: Good
Housekeeping meets The
National Enquirer as the
strange and bizarre
questions about men are
answered!
EATING RIGHT
IS HIGHLY
LOGICAL.
Recommendations:
Eat high-fiber foods, such
as fruits, vegetables, and
whole grain products. Eat
fewer high-fat foods.
Maintain normal body
weight. And live long
and prosper.
CALL THE AMERICAN
CANCER SOCIETY AT
1-800-ACS-2345
FOR FREE NUTRITION
INFORMATION.
AMERICAN
SOCIETY`