Page 6
Mark explains breakfast
nutrition: caffeine, sugar,
grease and starch
by Mark Owens
The other night I was sitting
in front of the TV eating a bown
of Lucky Charms when this
profound thought struck me (it
hurt too) -- it is time we got back
to basics.
I am, of course. referring to
breakfast.
There is an alarming trend
afoot to make breakfast a
wholesom, nutritional part of
your day. This goes against the
very meaning of breakfast, which
stems from the Latin break ("too
damn early to be doing anything
sensible except sleep) and fast
(cold sugary goop from hell).
Breakfast, if you follow the
conservative fundamentalist
definition, should be the first
nutritionally incorrect meal of the
day. You'll notice, of course,
time is never mentioned in the
definition.
Be honest here. Let's say you
get up at 2:30 p.m. After you
crawl out of bed, struggle into
your bathrobe, wade through the
sea of clothes and your
unconscious roomate on the floor
and stagger (like some
prehistoricl2-foot tall hunch
backed steroid-taking badger from
hell) into the kitchen. what
would seem more natural to eat a
bowl of Lucky Charms or
spaghetti?
Therefore with great care,
deliberation and approximately 28
gallons of milk, I -- with the
other three Most Evil Milk
Suckers in Apt. 901 -- have
prepared The Incomplete and
Totally Unauthorized Guide to
Breakfast and Gastrointestinal
Disorders.
Oat Swill
This applies to most of the
oat bran, rice bran, corn bran and
eggplant bran cereals out on the
market today. Generally, the
swill-- I mean cereal, has either a
lumpy, clay-like consistency or
is thin enough to be anorexic.
Our three testers (I wasn't that
stupid) recommended oat meal be
reserved for caulking windows or
sealing cracks in driveways.
Bacon, Egg, Ham and
All That Other Good Stuff
You See on TV but No
One Ever Makes Anymore
People used to make hot,
good-tasting breakfasts -- until
doctors, in 1979, discovered
cholesterol, heart disease and
saturated fat. Until then people
were able to eat tasty breakfast
type things without friar of heart
disease, leprosy or bursting into
spontaneous combustion.
With the advent of the PUG
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The Collegian
(Putrid Ugly Goop) theory,
doctors and nutritionists
advocated that "if it tastes bad and
looks worse, it must be good for
you." This, of course, explains
why moms everywhere try to
foist broccoli on small children.
Bagels, English
muffins, Pop Tarts and
Other Fun Things Yon Can
Burn in the Toaster
Our testers concluded that
bagels, which oddly resemble life
preservers, are the worst things to
Barbato 's
Italian Resturant
3512 Buffalo Rd.
Wesleyville
899-3423
OUR ENTIRE MENU**
Pieces
The
Missing
Tester 1: They're too dry --
usually I don't have enough milk
around to wash them down.
Tester 2: I boke fee reef on
dem. Dae reawy, reawy hard.
Tester 3: Ack.
Pop Tarts topped the list of
our testers, due to their taste,
consistency and the fact they have
no redeeming nutritional value at
all.
Count Cbocula,
Frankenberry and 800-
Berry
Remember this stuff -- All
sugar, preservatives and
chemicals and not a single shred
of useful nutrition?
Great, wasn't it? I ate it to
spite my mother, who used to
make me wear velour sweaters
(you remember velour, don't you?
I was always nervous when I war
the stuff for fear that rd melt if I
stood to close to something
warm). My only complaint is
they didn't have enough
marshmallows in them. After all,
kids need approximately 12
pounds of sugar just to
effectively watch cartoons.
Playing outside would require,
say, an entire bowl of count
Chocula.
Lucky. Charms
Clearly the favorite of our
testers, Lucky Charms has a good
balance of sugar and
preservatives. Over the years the
MCAT
New for 1991
Concerned about the new MCAT???
Attend an informational session
Thur., November Bth
11:00 a.m.
Zorn Science Center, Room 101
Interested Students may register for MCAT review course at Noon.
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Receive the newest homestudy mania' with your registration
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For further Information about a course on campus, call:
Cluny Caldwell - 871-7560, or
Stanley H. Kaplan Educational Center
1-800-888-PREP
Thursday, November 1, 1990
folks at General Mills have added
more colors, shapes, sizes and
flavors (industry rumor has it
GM will be introducing a " pink,
pinapple-flavored badger
marshmallow" next fall) to the
original recipe -- sort of like
psychadelic corn nibblets, if you
will.
This is the traditional post
mayhem breakfast served at
colleges across the country --
much like pancakes. You can get
it hot, cold or moldering in it's
original box (which has slid
upside down underneath the
refrigerator, gathering floor lint
along the way). Down south, it's
served with grits (which we didn't
review -- namely because it's
generally not considered food, but
more of a toxic waste-like
substance).
Twinkles and Jolt Cola
This is the breakfast of
champions, as it contains an
ample supply of the four basic
food groups -- sugar, caffine,
grease and starch. The Surgeon
General strongly recommends
that people with heart disease,
kidney trouble, back problems,
pregnant women, small children
and anyone with a pulse, for that
matter, avoid this combination of
highly toxic materials.
Personally t think it's a great
breakfast, as long as you strap
yourself down to a chair for an
hour or so after eating.
Pizza