Page 6
Mark will pay
up in pork rinds
by Mark Owens
I don't know about you, but
I feel so much better knowing
that I am making a deep and
significant contribution to
solving the nation's deficit
crisis, thanks to those kinder
and gentler Internal Revenue
Service folks.
Apparently, the I.R.S.
believes I haven't been doing
my part in the tax department to
fund our federal government.
Now I have to prove that I have
by supplying tax records from
my working days as a fetus.
This kind of worries me,
since I've never been very good
at finding things. One time I
lost a friend's pet I was
babysitting. It was a turtle,
which makes things worse,
seeing as they don't move very
fast and aren't all that agile.
Actually, I was surprised that he
made it all the way out to
Buffalo Road -- by that time,
though, he was considerably
less agile than before.
Anyway, now I have to dig
through this HUGE,
INCREDIBLY
MONSTROUS MOUND of
old bills, bank statements, loan
papers, class registration forms,
tax forms, rebate slips, junk
mail Ed McMahon Sweepstakes
letters, old pay stubs and every
other indecipherable finance-type
of form I have ever gotten in
my entire life.
Letters to the Editor
(continued)
NSBE...
(continued from page 4)
his shoulder playing in an
intramural event.
2. A Balloon Bust could be
considered gambling by not only
the school, but the State as well.
Yet the Health Care Center
sponsored fair involved a very
similar balloon event where
students paid money for a chance
of winning a prize in a balloon.
3. A movie can be shown,
however
a. It cannot be a VCR type
movie
b. The film must be shown
on 16 mm which costs about
$5OO.
NSBE was allotted only $75
from SGA this year, while the
Engineering Club received $175
and the Adventure Club received
$675. Neither of these clubs have
turned in organization registration
packets. This is the form that
establishes them as an active
club.
I found this very discouraging
to say the least, but I figured the
party we had planned 2 weeks in
advance, (NSBE presents a
Reggae Jam) would not only
I'm talking about the kinds
of forms that read "Dear Mr.
Owens: This notice is to infrom
you that your student loan
application XJL-285630522xi
has been received, noted, filed,
triplicated and laughed at very,
very hard because you have the
credit rating of an sickly
Albanian yak. Our office
recommends you find a
reputable loanshark. Best
regards, Mrs. R.L.
Snotstomper."
Of course, I shouldn't be too
harsh on the I.R.S. They're a
fine organization, dating back to
the age of Ancient Egypt.
Around 4,529 B.C. (Before
Caffeine -- after all, civilization
didn't start until caffeine was
invented. Or was it Twinkies?)
the great Pharaoh Putt Putt Tut
Pourri decided that he needed a
great monument constructed in
his memory -- namely, a condo
(with a pool, three-chariot
garage and sand lot baseball
area).
Egypt, much like the United
States, had fallen onto hard
economic times. Due to the
Great Date Crisis of 4527,
surrounding countries found
themselves in a very poor state.
As a result Egypt's looting and
pillaging had fallen off, putting
Putt Putt Tut Pourri's condo in
jeopardy. So a plan was made....
Putt Putt Tut Pourri:
Hey, where's my minister-type
dude?
supply funds, but notoriety.
1. Friday the 7th--A fight
broke out at an ABC party. That
night it was understood there was
a possibility the NSBE party
would not take place.
2. Wednesday the 12th--was
the first opportunity to talk with
Dave Shields who ultimately had
the say on whether or not it
would be possible for NSBE to
have their party. He stated two
Student Auxiliaries would have
to be present at every function
student organizations sponsored if
non-students were present.
3. Thursday the 14th--Dave
Shields then informed the
President of NSBE that not only
two Student Auxiliaries would
have to be present but a
Commissioned Police and Safety
Officer as well. The total cost
was estimated at $l2O for
security. (Note our Budget.)
4. Friday the 15th--
approximately 20 people arrived
at the NSBE party.
If Behrend seeks to have new
student organizations survive on
this campus and become a
mainstay here, I suggest the
following:
-Have policies work all the
time for all clubs; not just when
The Collegian
(sound of minister scurrying
forward)
Minister: Yes, oh Exalted
One?
Putt Putt Tut Pourri:
How's work on my condo
going?
Minister: Oh Light of the
Sky, oh Salt of the Earth, oh
Preservative of the Most Holy
Twinkie, oh-
Putt Putt Tut Pourri:
Ah, cut the B.S. - How are
things going?
Minister: Not good. We
have less than no money, as our
looting and pillaging program
has fallen off considerably.
its :.,nvenient for the school.
-Offer more aid for
organizations if they intend to be
active on this campus.
-Give us a chance period.
Christopher Lewis
7th semester
Mechanical Engineering
Technology
I am just beginning to realize
how much I have overestimated
the progress of women since the
sexual revolution. A few weeks
ago, Sigma Theta Chi performed
a dance during Greek sing which
attracted some controversy. I
believe that this whole issue
stems from that age old sexual
double standard. As hard as it is
to believe at times, this attitude
is still alive and well in 1990.
First, what is the sexual
double standard? Instead of a
definition as such, I will use an
example which is quite relevant.
If a man dances for
Chippendale's, he is thought of
as a sort of sex symbol, but if a
woman takes off her clothes for
money, she is a lewd, bad person
with no respect for herself.
When this double standard is
reduced to its fundamentals, it
leads straight back to the
ideology that women are not or
The
Missing
Pieces
What your Most Hipness should
do is implement a Fanatical
Ludicrous Internal Pillaging
Plundering Erroneous Raping
System (FLIPPERS) for
Egypt, which would let you
build that obscenely expensive
condo you want -- even though
the masses will cringe and groan
under the weight of your fig
barrel project.
Putt Putt Tut Pourri:
Most excellent idea, dude. Do it!
Over the centuries the
official FLIPPERS title has
been changed and altered. Attilla
the Hun, one of their finest
collection officers, managed to
shorten it to "Uhngga." Today
the organization is simply
known as the I.R.S. -- Irascibly
Rapscalious Scoundrels (it's a
family paper and there are some
things we just can't print).
I shouldn't be too harsh on
the I.R.S. though. No sir, not
gonna do it. After all, the Great
Deficit Pumpkin Head has given
them a job to do, a mission to
complete -- a quota system, if
you will.
In fact, I figure that this
mess all started when President
Bush called the I.R.S. chief into
his office for the following pep
talk: _
The Grand PooBah:
"We've got a big financial
problem here, and we need to
keep the great machinery of
democracy moving -- namely
should not be sexual beings.
Anynle who would spout that
doctrine today could be called an
idiot because science has provided
us with the physiological
mechanisms for the sexual
process and they are parallel
between sexes.
This means all humans are
sexual beings, not just one
gender. This last statement may
seem obvious, but there are still
ugly little remnants of this
extreme doctrine floating around
in our society. This is apparent
in the previous example.
Second, why do I relate this
controversy over our dance to the
sexual double standards? As was
brought up at a certain council
meeting, several other
participants in the Greek sing
portrayed roles which could be
construed as sexually suggestive.
One fraternity in particular was
mentioned. Some said that they
found their skit offensive also.
No one was offended by it
until accusations were made
toward us. I personally feel that
the point was not that it was
offensive but that it was
suggestive and since they are
.men, it's okay. Men are not
criticized for being sexually
suggestive.
About two years ago a group
of men participated in a stripping
contest right here at Behmad. The
men stripped down to less than I
Thursday, October 18,1990
my stealth speed boat 'Liberty
for me, Taxes for you, ha ha.'
Besides, I'll look bad in the
polls if I don't do something,
and we all know how important
that job approval thing is...
pork rind?"
Its not the rinds that bother
me, but the barrels. The armed
forces are still buying (I kid you
not) $600,000 fax machines
designed to survive a nuclear
war (Reality Check: If there is a
nuclear war, how many of you
think there will still be phone
lines up?), Congress is still
approving funds to research the
mating habits of badgers and
President George "Will it affect
my approval rating" Bush is
still racing around in his speed
boat.
Yet the monstrous monolith
of the federal bureaucracy is
hurtling towards me, a college
student who a) has absolutely
no money, and b) is in
disgustingly deep debt (ain't we
all) to pay for college. Now the
government wants me to give
them money I don't have.
I've got a better idea. Sell the
speedboat
did and they were not behind a
scrim sheet. Yet, I didn't hear any
outrage over that. No one said
that they degraded themselves or
their respective fraternities. There
is still this stigma over women
and our sexuality.
If we as a society have learned
anything, I would think that we
would have learned that
knowledge, understanding, and
acceptance are , the keys to
unlocking any prejudices.
However, as I said before, I
overestimated our generation.
Maybe I do this because I grew
up with and surround myself with
people who are open-minded,
tolerant, and yes, pretty much
liberal.
To confront an attitude such
as this double standard is the only
way to abolish it. I was asked not
to write to the editor about this
because it would draw attention
to the Greek community in a
negative manner. This request
only emphasized to me that those
remnants of archaic ideology are
present in today's women.
I am tired of this double
standard, and I feel that it is even
more threatening now when it
has become so subtle. Many
people do not even realize that it
is governing their attitudes and
closing their minds to acceptance
of their own morality.
Finally, to those of you who
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