Thursday, October 18, 1990
When the slugs come home to roost
by Quinn Solem
"In a democracy, people
tend to get the type of
government that they
deserve."
Indeed. But do we
deserve to suffer through
another decade of shameless
mismanagement at all levels
of government? Can we
really be that bad?
Apparently so.
About 95 percent of the
legislators who run for re
election this year will win.
They are the folks who gave
us the S&L crisis, the
immense national debt, and a
tax cut for the rich at the
expense of the poor and
middle class.
Closer to home, elected
officials have allowed
untreated raw sewage and
deadly chemicals to pour
into Presque Isle Bay and
Lake Erie for years. These
are the politicians who have
been encouraging us to
swim and fish in the lake,
which is the source of our
drinking water.
We deserve this. We
Cinderella story for a lucky prince
by Mike Royko
Teacher Georgiann Carlson
has a valid literary criticism.
She says that fairy tales such
as Cinderella and Snow White are
sexist because both young ladies
don't find happiness until some
macho prince comes along.
They also lack independence
and self-worth. Snow White, she
points out, is content to cook and
clean for a gang of dwarfs.
There's much more that
bothers Ms. Carlson: The
emphasis on good looks, the idea
that being old means being ugly
and women being portrayed as
competitive and jealous.
Carlson, who teaches at a
school in a . Chicago suburb,
believes such stories aren't good
for little girls because they might
believe the old "some day my
prince will come" routine. How
will they feel when a nerd, not a
prince, pops the question?
So Ms. Carlson has been
rewriting the fairly tales and
giving them different endings.
She has Snow White rescue the
prince, instead of the prince
rescuing her. Then Snow White
turns down the prince's marriage
proposal and lives happily ever
after as a single woman.
As for Cinderella, she gives
elected these people. They
are accountable to us if and
when we vote. We
consistantly re -e lect the same
legislators over and over
again, insuring that
government will not be much
better in the future.
-Unknown
Strangely, not many
people seemed concerned
about this trend.
I call this the "slug effect
principle" of American
democracy. Create an
atmosphere of apathy,
indifference, insensitivity
and self-indulgence, and
legislators can do just about
anything they want without
fear of fututt accountability.
The "slug effect" has been
working for over a decade
now, and the slugs have
come home to roost. We've
created and maintained a
corps of politicians who
know that no matter how
inept they are, they'll dill
have their jobs after the next
election.
Legislators are
encouraged by indications
that the next generation of
voters will follow in the
gtwanxxi tradition, adopting
the "slug effect principle"
her prince the brush-off, too. And
she marries a stable boy instead.
I can't argue with Ms.
Carlson's critique. Neither Snow
White nor Cinderella are exactly
liberated females. As she said of
Snow White: "She's passive,
selfless, silent, pure and
innocent. This is patriarchy's
dream come true."
And I'm intrigued by the idea
of the fairy tales being rewritten
to bring them up to modern
social standards.
In fact, I'm thinking of trying
something like that myself. And
the other evening I stopped in my
favorite bar for a drink to consider
a plot.
Then I noticed a handsome
young guy sitting on the next
stool and I said, "Say, aren't you
the prince? Yeah, I recognize
you. Nice to meet you, prince."
He nodded and said: "My
friends call me 'your highness.'"
I thanked him and said: "I
don't want to meddle, but what
are you doing in this joint? I
heard you and that Snow White
girl got hitched. Lovely dish that
she is, I would think you would
be home billing and cooing."
He shook his head and said:
"Nope. She gave me the old
brusheroo. Said she values her
The Collegian
We could all get
T-shirts that read
"Unresponsive and
proud of it!" on
the front, with our
school motto,
"Behrend College-
Home of the slug"
on the back.
with unquestioned faith and
enthusiasm.
Hem at Behrend the "slug
effect" has become more
than a principle; it is a way
of life.
Raised in a society that
stressed self-centered
independence, her own space.
Said we can still be friends, but
when I call, all I get is her
answering machine."
"Hey, I'm sorry I mentioned
it, man. It must be tough to
handle."
"No sweat, forget it. Fact is,
she did me a favor."
"How's that?"
"Well, after I thought about
it, I realized that, sure, she was a
knockout, and she liked to clean
house and was a good cook. But
basically, she's an airhead. I'd
attitudes, individual wealth,
and conspicuous
consumption, we have
remained steadfastly
unconcerned about anything
affect us.
So what if the economy is
in shambles, or if the world
is becoming unlivable
because of greed-inspired
pollution? Why should we
care about educational
standards, the trade deficit,
or even the upcoming war in
the Mideast?
With apathetic arrogance
we ask "How can any of this
compare to our deeply-felt
need to meaningfully express
ourselves with day-glo
windshield wipers?"
Sooner or later, we'll all
have to come to grips with
the fact that we're slugs.
Overcoming denial is the
first step. We could all get T
shirts that read
"Unresponsive, and proud if
it!" on the front, with our
school motto, "Behrend
College - Home of the slug"
on the back.
The Human Relations
Programming Council could
host a gastropod awaremess
forum, which no one would
suggest that we take in a play,
but no, her idea of a good time
was sitting around singing dumb
songs with those seven little
guyi. She even got mad at me
when I told her I didn't think
there was anything wrong with
dwarf-tossing."
"Boy, you just never know
about people."
"Right. So since she dumped
me, I've had more time for
myself. My golf handicap has
dropped. I get out to the ballpark
whenever I feel like it, and I play
poker once a week and don't
worry how late the game breaks
up. If I want to stop in here for a
few beers after a hard day at the
palace, I don't have to worry
about anybody phoning the
bartender to see if I've left. And I
can play the field, if you know
what I mean,"
"I can imagine, a young
prince like you. Anyone special?"
"Yeah, for a while I had a
thing for this girl Cinderella."
"A looker?"
"Better gams than Snow
White, if you can believe it."
"I believe it. So what
happened?"
"Splitsville. She fell for a
stable boy."
"You're kidding."
Page
attend, confirming strong
slug solidarity. Instead of
Greek Week, we could
decorate the campus with
thick wet goo and have
"Slime Semester."
Sadly though, the age of
the slug will eventually come
to an end. A recession will
hit, a war will start, or the
day of graduation will
come.... Some event will
shower salt into our lives.
We will squirm and howl
and twist, and be driven out
into the wilderness of the
world. We may even be
forced to think and act like
responsible citizens of the
oldest democratic nation in
the world.
But that day is not yet
here. Until then, keep the
faith.
Quinn Solem is an Bth
semester Communications
major. This is his first
appearance as a columnist
for The Collegian. His
column will appear every
other week in The Collegian.
"Nope. And they got hitched.
I sent a broom and shovel as a
wedding gift."
"Hey, you're a good sport.
How are they doing?"
"Not too good. I walked by
their place the other night--they
live upstairs of the stable--and
she was yelling at him for not
changing his shoes before he
came in the flat. And I hear she's
after him to go to school and get
an MBA. I'm not surprised,
though. She was always into
fancy clothes, glass slippers,
going to formal balls and the
night life. No way she's going to
spend the rest of her life with a
guy who shovels manure. Well, I
got to go."
"Date?"
"No, I'm going bowling."
"Alone?"
"No, with those seven little
guys. They snuck out of the
house. Told me they're tired of
sitting around every night
tinging, 'Hi ho, hi ho."
Mike Royko is a Chicago
based syndicated columnist whose
column appears weekly in The
Collegian.