Page 6
Mark takes a journey through
TV's late night wasteland
by Mark Owens
Last week I mentioned the
Evil Milk Sucker crisis that is
gripping my apartment
Well, things are getting
worse.
Since then, 200 billion
skillion gallons of milk have
disappeared from our apartment,
partly because of the Evil Milk
Sucker and partly because people
sneak into our apartment and
steal milk, hoping we'll blame it
on the Evil Milk Sucker. Of
course that tends to be a problem,
since sneaking into our apartment
is like sneaking into a war zone.
Picture, if you will, the basic
training obstacle course in
Stripes. That's our living room.
We've only seen grainy spy
photos of the kitchen, but reports
from now-deceased agents indicate
it's not a pretty sight.
Anyway, my point is we've
decided that we need a cow. We're
approaching cow shopping with
the same criteria we'd use for a
car: four good hooves, two-tone
paint job, a five-speed udder (with
S Barbato 's
3 Italian Resturant
JLj 3 3512 Buffalo Rd.
Wesleyville
899-3423
**WE DELIVER OUR ENTIRE MENU**
Large Cheese & Pepperoni Pizza for
Only $ 6,99 plus tax
EXPIRES 9-26-90
1 ~J
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REMINDER:
1 REGISTRATION PACKETS FOR
I RLL STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS
HRE DUE:
Monday, September 24, 1990.
If You Have Any Questions, Please
Call The Student Organization Office
At 898-6452
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overdrive) and a sunroof -
although, we've looked at a nice
four-door model with air
conditioning and on-demand four
teat drive.
Of course, we don't spend all
of our time shopping for Organic
Milk Dispensing Systems. We
sometimes watch late night
television which is a horrible
way to spend time - almost
worse than watching The New
Kids On The Block Channel.
Take the other night for
example. My roomie and I were
sitting in the livihg room, eating
a bizarre concoction of broccoli
and Spaghetti-O's while flipping
through the cable when we came
across this movie. The title
(seriously) was " Slave Girls from
Beyond Infinity." .
The cable guide described the
film this way: "Three space
slaves are stalked by a terrifying
hunter after they escape to the
jungle." I described the film as
"incredibly lame, with cheesy,
artificial-looking robots, bad
dialogue and an atom-thin plot".
My roommate described the Him
The Collegian
as having "lots of breasts."
It gets worse. The very next
night we caught the beginning of
(honestly) "Cannibal Women in
the Avocado Jungle of Death.” I'd
rather not talk about the opening
scene, but I strongly feel the
bacon bits weren't a necessary
PENN STATE-BEHREND
PARENTS AND FAMILIES WEEKEND
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12 THROUGH SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1990
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12.1990
400 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
Registration - Reed Union Building.
Winter Garden (First Floor)
600 p.m.
Welcoming Receolton - Peed Union
Building, winter Garden (Sponsored by the
Student Government Association)
700 p.m.
50's Dinner (57.00/person. tickets pre
ordered and available at registration on a
flrst-come, first-served basis. Students on a
meal plan may use meal cards.)
- Reed Union Building. Wlntergreen Cafe
(Secona Floor)
9:00 p.m.
Concert: 'Four Guys Standing Around
Singing' - Reed Union Building. Lecture Halt
(Second Floor), the'Four Guys Standing
Around Singing' have been wowing
Chicago audiences for over a year with
their unique four-part a capella sound,
they are seen nationally in a 'McDonald's'
television commercial and heard in various
regional and national radio shows.
Sponsored bv the Student Programming
Council (FREE)
10:00 p.m.
Campus Bonltre and Pep Rally: Come
cheer on Penn State-Behrend's Soccer
team as they prepare to battle Washington
and Jefferson on Saturday. October 13.
- Niagara Reid (toonsored by Alpha Phi
Omega Service Fraternity.)
11:00 p.m.
Student Programming Council Movie:
S/e/to - Reed Union Building. Lecture Hall
(Second Floor) (Admission Free)
The
Missing
Pieces
ingredient in the lettuce, tomato,
avocado and Indiana Jones salad.
Unfortunately, late night TV
seems to be creeping into prime
time. Take for example Fox
Network's Cops. This is a show
about real life police officers
going after real life criminals.
Lets pause momentarily for a
quick reality check:
(Opening scene. Two
policemen stand on either side of
a shabby apartment door in a
seedy part of town. They are
about to arrest Louie "The
Snarked-Nose Blowfish"
Armanie, a notorious criminal. A
Fox television crew is behind
them filming the arrest. Both are
in their best uniforms and
smiling like idiots. One of the
officers beats on the door.)
First Cop: Armanie, open
the door! This is the police!
Louie: *%&@* you, man!
Second Cop: Hey Lou,
we're gonna be on that Cops
show, so look nice.
Louie: No way! You
serious?!?
Second Cop: Yeah!
Thursday, September 20,1990
Louie: Well, hold on a sec,
all right?
First Cop: Sure thing, Lou.
(A few minutes pass.)
Louie: All right come on in!
(Both officers try to break
down the door. With the camera
man helping on the fourth try,
they crash into the apartment.
There stands Louie - wearing a
rumpled brown and white plaid
suit with a wide green tie. There's
still toothpaste on his upper lip.)
Louie (Grinning): Hey, how
do I look?
Second Cop: Great Louie.
(Serious tone) All right Joe, 'cuff
him!
If this trend continues, we'll
see more and more quality shows
like these taking over prime time
land. Personally, I think
television died when they
censored Road Runner and Wile
E. Coyote cartoons.
Join me next time when the
Missing Pieces staff reveals the
sordid workings of the 1-900
phone networks. It's a dirty job,
but someone has access to his
roommate's AT&T calling card.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13.1990
8:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Registration - Reed Union Building.
Winter Garden (First Floor)
10:00 a.m. -12:00 noon
Campus Tours - Depart on the hour from
the Registration Table. Winter Garden
11:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
Picnic (56.50/person. Tickets preordered
and available at registration on a first
come, flrst-served bass. Students on a
meal plan may use meal cards.)
- Wilson Picnic Grove
i.
Men s Vanity Soccer Match
Pern State-Behrend vs. Washington and
Jefferson - Soccer Field
4:30 p.m.
1:00 p.m.
Reception (or Parents, Families and
Students. Sponsored by Or. John M. Ulley,
Provost and Dean, and Mrs. Genie Ulley
- Reed Union Building. Winter Gdrden
(First Floor)
6:30 p.m.
Candlelight Dinner (SB.OO/person. Tickets
pre-ordered and available at registration
on a first-come, first-served basis. Students
on a meal plan may use meal cards.)
- Reed Union Building. Wlntergreen Cafe
(Second Floor)
800 p.m.
Speaker Series Program • Frank Cartuccl.
former Secretary of Defense and National
Security Advisor under the Reagan admin
istration. Topic: ’Peace in the East: Security
In the West.’ - Erie Hall (Admission Free)
10:00 p.m.
Student Programming Council Movie: Stefld
- Reea Union Budding. Lecture Hall
(Second Root) (Admission Free)
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14,1990
10:00 a.m.
Brunch ($5.50/person. Tickets pre-ordered
ana available at registration on a first
come, first-served basis. Students on a meal
plan may use meal cards.) - Reed Union
Bulldlng, Wlntergreen Cafe (Second Floor)