Page 8
Mark moves out of his ho
and into the Romper Roo
by Mark Owens
So, the penguin runs back
down the stairs, jumps up on
the bar, pulls his Bermuda
shorts down and says...
Oh - hi! I was, urn, telling
some friends about er, this...
this penguin that, well, um -
oh, never mind.
This year is sort of
different for me, as I've moved
out of my parent's home and
into one of the apartments here
on campus. Friends say this
experience will broaden my
horizons, though somehow,
I've never considered chasing
laundry, fighting for the remote
control and scrounging for
quarters as horizon-broadening.
But then, who ever said my
friends knew anything?
Moving Out
Moving out of my house
was an interesting experience.
For one thing, I found
everything that I have ever lost
in my entire life, and I mean
everything. Quarters, ugly ties,
pencils, distant relatives - if it
was misplaced in what friends,
family and the Environmental
Protection Agency call an
ecological preserve it surfaced,
and sometimes with a
vengeance.
At one point I took a lot
of abuse from a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich I had
apparently abandoned in 1982.
It wanted to know what year it
The Collegian
Just Read It
was, who was president and
just what the hell I thought I
was doing with 14 pieces of
my high school chemistry
teacher’s lab equipment?
After 10 minutes of this I
solved my dilemma by coaxing
the sandwich downstairs and
into the kitchen to meet Mr.
Garbage Disposal. Today the
lab equipment sits on my shelf
while the sandwich is
somewhere in Lake Erie. It's
no big loss though, seeing as
how it was made with
Smucker's grape jelly, which
sucks.
Moving In
Unpacking was a lot easier
than packing. When I arrived at
my apartment I just dumped
my stuff on the floor. Honest.
I mean, why even attempt to
be neat? I'm a realist and know
better. I've never been neat, so
why start now?
My room mate feels the
same way, and since then we've
installed tire swings to get
from one side of the room to
the other, as you can't even see
the floor, let alone walk on it.
Bachelor Pad from Hel
We have less than no
space in our apartment.
Because the four of us are pack
rats extraordinare, each of us
brought all of the stuff one
could pack into, say, a small
country, and crammed it into
THE CARD GALLERY
Welcome Back Behrend Students!
Stop in and see our new selection of
greeting cards, gifts, party decorations
and more.
K-Mart Plaza East M
Buffalo Rd. 1 W
The Collegian
our apartment.
The four of us are
convinced that our apartment
will be violently ill at any
moment, disgorging six chairs,
two couches, five toasters,
three bicycles, tools, books,
my collection of 2.3 billion
skillion rolls of undeveloped
film, Rhode Island and the
Pope across the Quad.
Naturally, the kitchen is worse.
Welcome to the Appliance
Store
Without a doubt, we have
the most complete kitchen on
campus.
For example: say you were
standing at one end of our
kitchen with a rather attractive
cow named Betty.
Theoretically, you could walk
out of the other side with a
glass of milk, a stick of butter,
a hamburger, a pair of boots, a
nice jacket and a guilty
conscience. But then, that's
what supermarkets are for, so
we're not worried about it.
So far, we've managed to
squeeze into the kitchen a
microwave, toaster, popcorn
popper, coffee maker, coffee
grinder, BX-7 stealth food
processor, turbo hand mixer
and portable wind tunnel.
For some unknown reason
each of us has brought a box of
dishes, which means we have
enough plates, cups, bowls,
glasses, saucers, forks, knives
The
Missing
Pieces
and spoons to comfortably seat
New Jersey for dinner.
Of course, all of these
dishes cuts down on the
number of times we have to do
dishes. Originally we thought
it would be once a day. Now
it's, umm - well, we haven't
done any yet, but I’m sure we’U
get around to it.
Mom and Dad's Express
Lane: 12 or more items please
Because there are four of
us and we're actually expected
to cook our own meals, we
usually go through an insane
amount of food every week.
Most of this food, though,
turns into ’’accidents" which
can usually be seen around the
apartment weeks later, eating
chips and flipping through the
cable while lounging on one of
our many pieces of Obscenely
Ugly Furniture, which has
been determined by many small
men in white lab coats to cause
severe rental damage to people
passing to close to our
window.
Anyway, the point here is
there is no way we could
possibly afford to buy all of
this food ourselves. Therefore
we do most of our shopping
through the Home Shopping
Network meaning we go
a straight face, "Really? I didn't
know you were missing SO
pounds of ground beef."
THE COLLEGIAN'S OWN ADVICE
Back Again This Year! COLUMN
Louanne Barton, our staff psychologist,
offers a listening ear. Send in your letters
with any personal issues that may be
puzzling or troubling you. That could be
something as simple as "how to get your
roomate to quit snoring" or as challenging
as "how to survive the loss of a love."
Louanne will respond in her regular
column.
You can write anonymously, but if you’d
like Louanne to respond personally, include
your name and address. All precautions will
be taken to protect the identity of any letters
printed in her column.
Letters can be dropped in the campus mail
or left in the Counseling and Advising Office,
first floor Reed Bldg. Simply address your
letters to:
Thursday, September 6, 1990
home and steal food and other
items from our parents. There
have been many a time when
one of us has had to look our
parents in the eye and say, with
Of course, not even
support from the Home
Shopping Network can handle
our crisis with the...
For some explicable
reason (I'm being serious here),
we go through about eight
gallons of milk a week. None
of us is sure why so much
milk disappears, but the
problem is frequently blamed
on the Evil Milk Sucker,
which supposedly lives in The
Place Where No Man Dare
Goeth our refrigerator's
vegetable crisper.
Recently though, I've had
my doubts about the EMS. I've
been thinking more and more
that.it might actually be one of
my (gasp) room mates.
Because of that, I've been
spending a lot of time by the
bathroom. After all, a gallon of
milk has to go somewhere,
right?
All-in-all though, being
out on my own is fun. At my
place the motto is "if your
mother wouldn't let you do it,
you can do it here, provided
none of us would violate
parole."
Louanne Barton
Personal Counseling Services
Reed Bldg.
Behrend College
Evil Milk Sucker
**«•»•*
■wrMoaxrr
UMwnwir