Page 6
Mark forecasts dreary
economic future for
Behrend's students
by Mark Owens
I know this week I promised
Ebert the Stupendous Zebra
Mussel and myself would write a
guide on Beach Etiquette, but a
matter of grave concern has come
up which requires immediate
attention.
A confidential source has
leaked sensitive reports to me in
the interest of justice, fairness
and 25 bucks. These reports
contain the shocking master plan
for "revenue acquisition,” as well
as numerous coffee stains and
creme-filled donut splotches
which, in my opinion, don't say
much for administrative officials.
The report (which is printed
on a nice beige-colored paper and
bound in an attractive smoke-grey
binder) starts off innocently
enough with details of the
impending parking fee.
Apparently, all students,
faculty and staff (even those
working third shift when no one
parks here) will be charged $B.OO
a month for the privilege to park
in order to attend class.
The last lime I had to pay
$B.OO to park my car I was in
Finals stress
Dear Louanne,
Finals are less than a week away, and I'm a
basket case. It's not that I haven't been studying. I
usually know the material pretty well when I walk
in to a test, but I block. I get in there and I can't
remember a thing. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Blockhead,
The first thing you have to do is quit
badmoulhing yourself. Your negative thoughts can
turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Negative
self-talk creates anxiety and anxiety impairs
concentration and short-term memory. Start telling
yourself, "I'm intelligent." "I'm well prepared." "I
can stay calm, cool, and collected." Practice taking
long, slow, deep breaths and letting go of tense
muscles as you exhale. Use this technique during
the exam whenever you begin to feel the anxiety
rise.
Pittsburgh. Of course I spent the
weekend roaming around the
town, dining in fine restaurants,
visiting great cultural attractions
and being arrested for bathing in a
public fountain, but that's a
different story.
Getting back to this parking
report. The proposed fee would
total around $72.00 for the
school year, more if you really
feel you must be enlightened
during the Summer Sessions.
The increase over the current
$15.00 scmester/$25.00 a year
rate comes out to around 200
percent. A 200 percent increase
for everyone. But that's not the
worse part.
The administration knows
this policy will go into effect
without much of a Tight, since
they figure if everyone is faced
with the higher rates, they'll
moan to each other and not to the
administration. The report
continues with the extended plans
for "revenue enhancement"
Eventually, commuters will
be charged a fee for "access routes
to vehicle storage area." Not only
will fees be charged to use roads
leading to campus parking lots,
The Collegian advice column
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Counselor
The night before - normal routine, no excesses
(food, drink, romance, T.V., music, exercise,
reading, partying, socializing)
The morning before - eat lightly, no more than
two cups of coffee.
Don't over-stimulale or depress senses. NoDoz,
Vivarin, tranquilizers, alcohol, and pot cause
fatigue, nervousness, decreased alertness and
motivation.
Get a normal night's sleep.
Keep you min open and clear - no last minute
clutter cramming for details.
Wear comfortable, removable clothing.
Arrive early enough to find a good seat away
from distractions, but not too early.
Take life savers to combat drowsiness from low
blood sugar during the exam but avoid sugar before
the exam.
Timing:
Signed,
Blockhead
Read through the test, calculate time for each
question.
Pace yourself - use a watch.
Guesstimate - eliminate what choices you cut.
Approximating is belter than nothing if time is
short.
Study with friends.
but a "line tax" will be charged as
well. Money collected will be
used to repaint parking lines and
provide coffee for the painters.
Residents will also be
assessed with fees and charges for
services. Not only will residents
pay for their rooms, telephones
and electricity, but be billed for
water, furniture, air and paint.
But there's more.
? mt T
Ask
Louanne
Here are some often tips that can help:
Be prepared - know the material.
Take a walk before the exam
VISUALIZE SUCCESS!!
The Collegian
Mark Owens
Louanne
The
Missin
Piece
After students have paid as
many fees, charges and taxes as
possible, officials arc planning to
install coin boxes throughout
campus. Students will be forced
to use rest room facilities, study
areas, door ways and all
telephones at the cost of a
quarter, "which may change
according to the rate of inflation,
the Consumer Price Index,
Saturn's alignment with the
moon or an arbitrary number to
be picked out of a hat," says the
report.
Study booths in the library
will also be coin-operated.
Students must deposit quarters in
order to shut off a very loud and
bad recording of Conway Twitty's
Greatest Hits. Also, only pens
and pencils provided by the
library will be permitted in study
areas. Naturally, these will be
available for a nominal fee from
conveniently located vending
machines.
The university's coin
operated education system won't
stop at the physical level either.
Silverware and food will be
supplied in the dining halls from
vending machines.
Teachers honored at
awards ceremony
by Monica Michel
Collegian Staff Writer
Carl Kallgren made a clean
sweep at the Teacher
Appreciation Awards Ceremony,
which was part of Faculty
Appreciation Day, and took home
three awards.
These included "Professor
Who Shares Most Time With
Students", "Favorite Teacher",
and surprisingly to him "Most
Easy Going."
"I am speechless and very
honored. Coming from the
students this really means a lot,"
stated Kallgren.
"It feels really nice
to know what you
are doing is
appreciated."
-Dr. John Gamble
Political Science
Professor
Kallgren has been a teacher of
social psychology and research
methods of psychology at
Bchrend for three years.
Faculty Appreciation Day,
which included the awards
ceremony, reception, and the
Wednesday, April 25, 1990
In addition to washing
machines and video games,
academic advising, counseling
and financial aid will be handled
by, you guessed it, coin-operated
video terminals. The TV lounge
can only be entered by quarter,
and even then sitting in a couch
will cost you an extra 25 cents.
The report also calls for the
elimination of the book store,
filling the space with Vend-A-
Book machines, which would
dispense pages of a textbook one
at a time, for a quarter each.
Students will also be able to
convert paper money to quarters
through change machines, but
there will be a small fee for this
convenience.
Of course, with all of this
information and the number of
changes happening, the
administration has thoughtfully
set up a telephone line you can
call (1-900-SCREWED) to
answer your questions. Of course,
you'll be billed for the charge:
$1.50 for the first minute and
$l.OO for each additional 30
seconds. Naturally, they'll put
you on hold.
faculty jeopardy program, was all
sponsored by The Lion
Ambassadors.
"We thought it would be nice
to show the faculty that they
really are appreciated," said Julie
Rust, one of the coordinators of
the function from Lion
Ambassadors.
"It feels really nice to know
that what you are doing is
appreciated," commented John
Gamble, political science teacher
and also a winner of the
"Professor Who Shares Most
Time With Students" award.
Jeff Wicken, professor of
biochemistry, ran to the podium
;:fter winning the Carl Lewis
Award (otherwise known as the
professor who is always running
to class, to his car, to the
bathroom, etc. award).
David Nordquest, Political
Science teacher, shared this award
with Mr. Wicken.
Doc Leavers, Chemistry
teacher, had mixed applause and
laughter when he was awarded
"Teacher Most Fun Out Of
Class."
Leavers was more seriously
awarded "Class With The Most
Practical Applications."
Others that won in this
category were Ann Krause (math)
and Jim Kurre (economics).