Page 8
Mark on love,
marriage, and
support hose
by Mark Owens
It's time we had a talk.
I know it's been a while since
we had this kind of chat,
columnist to reader and all, but
you've reached an important stage
in your life (aside from learning
the secrets of life and how not to
spill beer at parties) and I think
it's time we brought this up.
I'm talking about Love and
Marriage.
Now I know you've all talked
about this before, but I'm afraid it
hasn't sunk in. Take this
Associated Press story for
example. I'm quoting from it
very carefully, because I don't
think you'd believe me if I told
you.
"FOLLY BEACH, S.C. (AP)
- A man infatuated with another
man's bride-to-be was jailed after
he interrupted a marriage
ceremony armed with a toy gun
and wearing a cape and black
mask, police said Monday.
James M. Jernigan showed up
outside Our Lady of Good
Counsel Roman Catholic Church
just before the wedding on
Saturday holding a cap gun and
wearing a big cowboy hat, a
white poncho and a mask.
He threatened the bride, 28-
year old Teresa Parker, and her
Louanne tackles
roommate troubles
this week
Dear Louanne,
We have a problem with our roommate and his girlfriend. Actually, we have
several problems. At first, it really bothered us that the two never left the
apartment. Wherever he goes, she follows-lilcrally. She was never more than
two feet away...behind him. We dealt with that, but when she started to leave her
feminine hygiene products exposed in our bathroom wastebasket, we all were
sickened by the sight. Now, the last straw has occurred, this is by far the worst
part. In our opinion, we believe that he abuses her. It is obvious that he verbally
abuses her, we can't help but overhear things like "When I tell you to do
something, you'd better do it, Bitch!!!”
She has been putting up with this for quite a while. We are really tired of
having to hear these things all the time. Additionally, we suspect that he
physically abuses her. We have been sitting in our room, and we hear the
strangest noises. From the other bedroom there are screams, thumps, crashes,
and weird slapping-like noises.
We really don't care for her at all, and her consequence matters little to us. All
we want is our sanity. What should we do?
Dear Roommates,
Wow! Where to start? Let's begin with the little problem. Though
menstruation is a fact of life, we certainly expect bodily wastes to be disposed of
properly in our society. You probably need to be assertive and tell your
roommate’s girlfriend you'd appreciate it if she'd bag up her refuse and dispose of
groom, David Bennett, and
panicked guests fled, Police Chief
Steve Sheppard said.
'He pointed a firearm at
several people including police,'
the chief said. 'He was just trying
to disrupt the wedding because he
was infatuated with Miss
Parker.'"
See? Love does strange and
deeply warped things to people.
Though I'll admit, I think I'd
have taken the hint that a girl
doesn't like me if she's getting
married to someone else. I can
picture James sitting on the curb
outside of the church saying
"Gee, maybe she doesn't want to
fo to the movies Saturday night”
And I definitely wouldn't dress
up like the Anti-Lone Ranger and
crash a wedding. A Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle maybe, but
not the Anti-Lone Ranger.
Anyway, I just wanted to
point out love is a scary thing,
because if you're not careful, you
could wind up spending a lot of
money on movies, flowers and
candy.
If you're not careful you could
wind up in a serious relationship,
spending money on movies,
flowers and her support hose
(Honest. You’ll know you're
seriously involved when she
.sends von to Giant Eagle at 2 am
The Collegian
to buy support hose).
If you're not careful, you
could wind up in front of a short,
balding minister (the kind that
looks like James from the Bartles
and James wine cooler
commercials) in a situation like
this:
Minister: Do you, Phyllis
Rene Schlumphjowl, take this
man to be your lawfully wedded
husband; to love and to cherish;
to have and to throttle; to nag and
Ask
Louanne
The Collegian advice column
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Counselor
it regularly.
Your roommate and his girlfriend sound like they're into a really unhealthy,
dependent relationship. Abusive relationships are more prevalent than we care to
admit and happen in all segments of our society. Both partners usually believe in
vefy traditional sex-role stereotypes They both suffer from low self-esteem. The
woman often feels she deserves the abuse and, because the couple is so exclusive
and isolated, the only input she may have to her self image is his criticism. She
may have grown up with violence as a child. The man often feels a lack of
power or control over other aspects of his life and exercises power where he can
to enhance his self esteem. Often he is extremely jealous and blames the woman.
I suspect you're not as uncaring as you would have us believe. Certainly no
one deserves treatment like that. I would suggest you confront them individually.
The girlfriend may be more receptive because she probably blames herself.
Suggest in a caring way that she get help. You could even accompany her to my
office. I would be glad to work with both of them. You could also suggest she
call Family Crisis or Hospitality House for counseling. You could get tough and
tell your roommate you object to his behavior, and if it continues you will call
Family Crisis or the police. (Family Crisis makes house calls.) I realize you
don't own the problem, and there's not a lot that can be done when the abused is
unwilling to take action, but you'll sleep better if you feel you've done all you
can.
Signed,
Roommates
"When it rains, it pours." Thanks for all your letters. We only have a couple
more weeks, but 111 try to answer what I can. If I don't get to yours, please stop
by the counseling office, first floor Reed, or call 898-6164 and we'll talk.
The
Missin
Piece
to pester; for richer or poorer, in
sickness, health or leprosy; until
death, or Kevin Costner becomes
available, do you part?
Bride: I do.
Minister: Do you, Billy
Bob Raymond Johnah Michael
Izzy (snicker) Garglegap, take
this woman to be your lawfully
wedded wife; to have and to fondl
excuse me- hold; to be nagged by
and endure bad cooking; for richer
or charge card accounts; in
sickness and PMS; till death do
you part?
Groom: Do I still get to
play poker?
(sound of groom being beaten
with a church pew)
In fact, it's quite possible
there are those of you considering
marriage. You may be asking
yourself, "Why? Was I drunk?"
That's why I'm introducing you
to Mark's Marriage Test. It
doesn't require expensive
counseling, blood work, Tarrot
cards or interesting rituals
involving cucumbers.
The idea is simple: all you
and your prospective life partner
have to do is eat breakfast
together for a month. It sounds
simple, but theres a catch. The
two of you have to eat breakfast
Wednesday, April 11,1990
together at 8:00 am, without the
benefit of a toothbrush or a
shower.
My reasoning is if the two of
you can look at each other - hair
snarled up, morning breath,
bloodshot eyes and otherwise
looking like extras from Night
of the Living Dead - and manage
to mumble at each other civilly
for 31 days, you deserve to get
married.
After all, people always lode
and act their worst at eight in the
morning. I bet even Vice
President Dan Quayle is that
grouc - no wait. He's watching
Captain Kangaroo. I meant Pat
Sajak. It's hard to tell them apart
sometimes. Do you think they're
twins separated at birth?
What I mean is, most normal
people are pretty crabby in the
morning. Myself, I tend to sound
like a minor demon from hell. I
figure if the two of you can get
through breakfast together, you
might be able to survive the in
laws. Hahahahaha. Just kidding.
No one survives in-laws.
Well, that's all for this week.
For those of you seriously
considering getting married, I
urge you to try the test. Me, I'm
going to play poker.
Good Luck,
Louanne