Page 6
Mark's back and
he's not happy
about his diet
by Mark Owens
1 feel sloth-like
I'm sitting here, with
keyboard in paw, looking at the
remains of a Pizza Hut free
delivery special and a six pack of
Jolt cola. My girlfriend just
called to see how 1 was doing.
Occasionally, like this time, we
talked about our joint diet, so the
conversation went something like
this:
Her: Whatcha doing?
Me: Feeling bloated.
Her: (sounding suspicious)
Why?
Me: Well...there's this Pizza
Her: You didn't.
Me: We 11...
Her: Slime.
Me: But hon-
Her: I'm sorry dear. I meant
swine. Oink oink, [click]
Actually it's not that bad. We
have this daily ritual where we
remove all objects that could
throw off the scale (like navel
lint) and see how much damage
those Twinkies did.
So far she's doing a lot better
than I am, mainly because I've
got the will power of a rutabaga.
By the way, my editor has
Prof responds
to Spanos
has seen (as an engineering statement) 12 hours of Coke commercials
and 12 hours of Pepsi commercials, but one has only studied the
Roman conquest of England (which is one of the roots of English) or
the periodic table (one way to tell steel from aluminum) for about
two hours each, if that much. Arc people who could not place the
Iranian Hostage Crisis ill-educated? Maybe they were too busy
learning something else to have noticed it. Or maybe they though it
was a new brand of household cleanser.
And what about moral values? TV teaches that the highest moral
value is the ability to sell people something they never wanted for
more money than they can afford. I doubt that I can convince the
reader of this, or Ms. Spanos, but I hold the following: all
advertisements are lies. No one advertises the health benefits of
dandelion leaves, which you can pick and eat yourself, because there
is no money in it. Instead, they advertise the health benefits of Mars
Bars. The schools arc an untapped market, like Eastern Europe, just
ripe for Whittle and Channel One. Is this what you want your
families exposed to: 2 minutes a day, 10 minutes a week, 5 hours
during the school year of slick ads for Mars Bars? Against probably 2
hours for Shakespeare, on hour (to be generous) for polylhylcne and
how many hours for even history or moral thought?
Let me pul my view into perspective. Television docs not kill as
many people as cigarettes do. It docs not even kill as many people as
hair-dyes do. But it is antithetical to education, and has no place in
the classroom.
cautioned me about my warped
animal references. He threatened
to do something painful with a
cheese grater if I ever made
another one again, but I’m not
afraid of him - the squid.
Anyway, I'll get my act
together and get rid of this excess
- the Ooze as she likes to call it.
"Mark, you're oozing over your
belt buckle again," is the nice
way she puts it. At other times
I've waken up from a nap to find
a "wide load" sign resting on my
stomach. Ain't love grand?
Of course it's going to get
worse. I predict in the next few
weeks you'll see lots of your
friends in a panic, refusing food
and babbling about stretch marks.
How do I know? Easy.
Last week's warm weather
(remember my Wheel of Weather
theory? ’Nuff said.) had a lot of
people thinking about the beach.
In a chipper mood they dug
out their swimsuits and a)
gnashed their teeth and howled in
despair because it was too tight,
cutting of circulation from
various appendages and
protrusions of the body; b)
fainted because they couldn’t fit
into their swimsuit at all; cr c)
couldn't see the swimsuit because
(continued from page 5)
Yours in education,
K. Halperin
Asst. Prof, of Mech. Eng.
of all the excess pizza and onion
dip hanging over it and in a fit of
despair gorged themselves on Ho-
Ho's until they exploded. Hey, I
never said this dieting
information was going to be
pretty.
Now I know a lot of you are
thinking "Gee Mark, what can I
do to keep from stuffing myself
with Hostess Ho-Ho's and
consequently becoming an
integral part of the sofa?"
■
*»* ~ •-*?** m
Mark Owens
An Outrageous Act
FREE. HELP
Dear Louanne,
Last Thursday Gloria Stcincm challenged the
women in Eric Hall to do some "outrageous act"
during the next 24 hours. I thought and thought.
The next day was fast drawing to a close and still
I could not even conceive of an outrageous act let
alone do one. I began to worry that I didn't even
have a consciousness let alone a raised one.
For as long we've been together, my husband
sits down to read the paper after supper. If I read
it all it's around 11:00 pm after I've salvaged
what pieces I can from the family room,
bathroom, and wherever. It used to bother me
that the only part which seemed used was the
crossword puzzle.
Suddenly it came to me. After supper I left
the dirty dishes on the table and raced for the
paper, neatly tore out the crossword puzzle,
handed it to my husband, and paraded proudly to
the easy chair in the front room (not unlike our
cat when he brings home a chipmunk and drops
it on the porch). I will always cherish the look
The Collegian Wednesday, March 28,1990
The
Missin
Piece
Answer: my Balanced
Omnivorous Nutritionally
Emaciating Hernia Enhancing
Apathetic Diet, or BONEHEAD
for short. Simply put, it's a
combination of moderate
exercise, a restricted diet and
group therapy. Naturally it
sounds like every other diet in the
free world, but there arc
differences. Below arc details:
Moderate exercise: With
BONEHEAD, cxcrcisc-rclatcd
injuries are eliminated. The
program encourages low-impact
exercises like speed workouts
with the TV remote control, pop
tab pulling and arm/upper chest
workouts using bags of chips and
nachos.
Restricted Diet: With
BONEHEAD, you're allowed to
eat anything you want, provided
it's a recognized form of
Hamburger Helper and it's cooked
by a certified bachelor. After a
week or two of this you’ll gladly
move up to the Unrestricted Diet,
which includes yogurt, oat bran
and large amounts of zebra
mussle casserole (we've got to
handle this problem somehow).
Group Therapy:
BONEHEAD uses a different
approach to help you cope with
dieting. No Oprah techniques, no
short women with thick German
accents saying "Lctz talk und you
can tell me vat yooo link.” Just
good, old-fashioned nagging and
vicious humiliation.
This is the kind of program
where a fellow member will hide
in your refrigerator, ready to
insult you for going after the
chocolate cake. This is the kind
program that has no qualms
about taking a picture of you
eating that piece of chocolate
cake, covered with creamy
frosting and little colored
sprinkle... oops. I forget myself.
Like I was saying, this is the
kind of program which wouldn't
mind taking that picture, blowing
it up on billboards all over town
and using the caption "Joe
Schlcmdingkcr breaks his diet
again. Oink oink." There’s
nothing like comforting friends
to help you in your lime of pain
and suffering.
If you start now, if you
follow through with the
BONEHEAD program; you can
be in shape for the beach, ready
to get sand in your shorts, zebra
musslcs stuck on your feet and a
knock-out tan that eventually
will give you skin cancer. Say -
anyone up for carry-out?
Ask
Louanne
The Collegian advice column
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Councilor
on my husband's face.
footnote:
Guess what? My husband has decided the
puzzles arc much easier to work on without
having to figure how to fold up the whole paper.
Now all I have to do is convince myself it's okay
to read the comics first.
Dear Outrageous Woman,
You go right ahead and read the comics first. I
always do.
Send tetters To:
Dr. Louanne Barton
Reed Building
Drop them in the campus nuiil or leave
them in the counseling and advising
center , Ist floor Reed Building.
Signed,
The Outrageous Woman
Love, Ixmanne