The Collegian Wednesday, February 14,1990
Greed revisited:
Mark talks about
holiday of love
and extortion
by Mark Owens
It's upon us again. An entity
that devours men's souls, ravages
their minds and eventually turns
them into stooped, drooling,
stupid creatures - sort of like
Tony Danza with a hangover. It's
a horrible beast I'm talking
about, something so cruel, so
vicious, so nasty it should be
outlawed. I'm referring, of course,
to Valentine's Day.
You remember Valentine's
day, right? As a small child in
elementary school you had to
exchange those little valentine
cards with your classmates. They
had those cute pictures of little
cowboys, spacemen, and animals
on them with sweet sayings like
"I'm really spaced out over you,"
"Be my valcntine-if you carrot
all,” and "Hey little girl, want
som-" oops, wrong valentine.
Of course, you also had to
give one to the girl you loathed
most in the whole world.
Remember that guys - shuffling
over to her desk, arm
outstretched, with that
"BLEKCH!" expression on your
face? U wasn’t pretty, and the fact
the guys razzed you about it for
Dear Louanne,
I've been really down lately. Nothing
seems ftm anymore. I'm tired all the time, but
I still don't deep well. I wake up early in the
moridng and lie there and worry. I don't have
much appetite and can't seem to concentrate
on studying. Nothing seems worth it. My
friends are probably getting tired of me. I'm
not much Am to be with anymore.
I thought it could be my metabolism, Wood
sugar, or anemia so I went to my family
doctor. Tests didn't show anything was
wrong, but he have me a prescription for
Prozac. He said it was an antidepressant. It
costs over $6O for 30 pills! I still haven't
filled the prescription. I don't believe in
taking drugs. All I need is to start taking
uppers and get hooked on them. Then I'll be
even worse off than I am now. What do you
think I should do.
Clear Hopeless,
All of your symptoms arc common signs of
depression, especially that feeling of
hopelessness, but you were wise to rule out
any physical problems first.
There are two kinds of depression,
situationally induced and endogenous.
Depression usually comes from our reaction
to stress in our environment, but there is a
the next three weeks didn't help
much. Here's a little trip down
memory lane:
guys: Eeecwwww! You gave
a Valentine to Becky Reynolds!
you: But I had to! She had
me in a hcadlock and it hurt!
guys: (chanting) Marky and
Becky sitting in a....
Later on high school you had
to spend money for the same
abuse, and heaven help you if
you forgot. I did - once.
Remember Becky Reynolds? I
forgot to get her flowers or some
other meaningless token of lust
one year. At noon it dawned on
both of us I had forgotten. At
that point she stood up in the
cafeteria and loudly announced
(with the same tone one would
use while giving Moses the Ten
Commandments) to a capacity
crowd that I (and I'm quoting very
carefully here) was "a waste of
red blood cells."
After that not many of us
forgot Valentine's Day, which
was kinda unfortunate, since
most of us had to take out loans
from Vinnie "the albino newt"
Slonski just to get through
February. It wasn't pretty. Not at
all.
Signed, Hopeless
Which brings us up to now.
Today it's not surprising some
view Valentine's Day as a holiday
of extortion, not love. Below is
the average conversation you and
your Significant Other might
have had yesterday:
5.0.: You know, Valentine's
Day is tomorrow.
You: Mmmm.
Ask
Louanne
The Collegian Advice Column
by Dr. Louanne Barton,
Psychologist
kind of depression which is chemical and
physiological. It involves faulty regulation of
chemicals in the brain called
ncurotransmittcis.
One estimate suggests that 20 percent of
people suffering from depression are
chemically (or endogenous!y) depressed, this..
20 percent can be successfully treated with
antidepressant medication. If you find
yourself having mood swings for no reason
at all, if serious depression persists two
weeks or longer and has rcoccurrcd over a
long period of time, or if there arc other
relatives in your family who have suffered
from depression, these arc possible
indications of endogenous depression.
There arc many good medications available:
Norpramin, Tofranil, Desyrel, Elavil, and the
newest Prozac just to name a few. They are
not uppers, and they arc not addictive! Unlike
"uppers" they only serve to bring you back
into chemical balance much like what insulin
docs for a diabetic. Usually they can be
discontinued after 6 to 18 months. Many
people have had good success with Prozac. If
I were you I'd follow your doctor's advice.
In addition, I would suggest you get involved
in some kind of "talk therapy." Most
therapists believe the two go hand in hand.
Tire pain of depression can be far worse
than the pain of any physical disorder. I hope
you find relief soon and can feel normal
again.
5.0.: (sounding annoyed)
Really, its tomorrow.
You: (doing something really
important, like scraping well
done Cheez Whiz off the inside of
the microwave and eating a
burrito at the same time) Uhh
huh.
5.0.: (sounding a little
ticked) I was talking to Steve and
he was telling me all about the
wonderful things he has lined up.
You: [burp]
5.0.: (shoving the burrito,
microwave and jar of Cheez Whiz
up your nose) I'm just a little
curious as to if you remembered
me or Valentine's Day, a time of
love and intimacy , newt
brain!
And people wonder why I'm a
little cynical about today.
Valentine's Day isn't characterized
by love anymore, but by greed.
Think I'm kidding? Look in
Roget's Thesaurus under "greed."
One of the synonyms is
"cupidity." Where do you think
we get cupid from, huh?
Now I know there are a few -
okay, there are a lot of guys who
have picked up the. paper and are
just now thinking ”lt's
Valentine's Day? Already? But I
The
isstn
tece
is viewed as stylish.
It is not. Smoking is deadly.
If you smoke, please consider stopping.
For help, information and support,
please contact your local
American Cancer Society.
don’t have a gift for (sound of
spooky organ music) HER!
aaaaaarrrrrrrggg
GGGGGHHHHHHHHr To
help you out of this dilemma I've
listed a few uncommon gifts you
gan give her:
•plastic flowers • no hay fever
and you can use them over and
over
• A Rongo genuine 14 karat
electroplated ring, topped with a
fabulous 25 pound Cubic
Zirconium Diamonclic. And if
you hurry you can get a free
string of faux pas Chinese pearls
and a pure Naugahyde jacket
• A camouflage mosquito net
nighty from Field and Stream
• A complete Dr. Seuss
library
• Finally, try something
completely different. Promise to
be on time for something and
wear a tie. She'll be impressed.
Trust me.
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