Page 4
Mark explores trials
and tribulations of
winter activicties
by Mark Owens
Caution: This week’s column
deals with violence and cruelty
beyond human comprehension.
Individuals with high blood
pressure, heart conditions, lower
back pain, pregnancy, warts,
ingrown toenails or acne should
read this only under a doctor's
advice, or while blindfolded.
Being February and all, I
thought it was time to talk about
winter activities and what you
should avoid if, by some strange
chance, we ever get snow.
There are two kinds of winter
activities; indoor and outdoor.
Outdoor things are to be dreaded
while indoor things are to be
merely feared. Its son of like bad
cooking; you dread mom's Tuna
Noodle Surprise while merely
fearing the Meatloaf from Hell.
There are very few things one
can enjoy outside in winter,
mainly because (surprise,
surprise) its cold out there. Most
people I know have this aversion
to cold.
Personally, my favorite
outdoor activity is going inside.
Then I can sit in my recliner, eat
Pop Tarts and read classical
[ THE SOCIETIJ j
< in association wit h The Collegian <
J /
/ /
$ Presents $
/ /
/ /
f r
4 An Evening f
J of
D> rn QD 0 (D Qfl §
£ Taste £
2 \ 2
£ Tuesday, February 13th - 7:30 pm /
t Studio Theater $
Poor Poetry, Pitiful Prose and Truly Tasteless Music J
/ Including: /
*The World Premiere Performance of The Chaucer Rap and £
£ *A Very Special Reading of "The Worst Short Story Ever Written " /
y 'Questionable Refreshments (Twinkies!!) -
*A chance to win a genuinely tasteless oil painting! /
literature like Dr. Seuss' Green
Eggs and Ham, Hop on Pop and
Horton Hatches the Egg.
Anyway, here is a list of
outdoor things you should avoid:
Ice fishing; Squatting out on
the middle of a frozen lake over a
hole waiting for fish isn't much
fun at all. In fact, why anyone
would risk frostbite of the tush
and other external organs escapes
me.
For those of you truly
interested in catching frozen fish,
we'll take a trip to the freezer
section of Giant Eagle. You can
stand at one end while I run down
to the other. We'll play catch
with some halibut, okay?
Ice Skating: Trying to balance
on two meat cleavers isn't a
problem. Moving forward is,
probably because when you start
moving forward you also move
down. By the way, ice has been
classified as the world's fourth
hardest substance, right under
diamonds, Army beef patty
rations and steel.
Downhill Skiing: Absolutely
the worst thing you can do. Ever.
I seriously question the brain cell
count of anyone who skies. I
should know because I tried it
once. It's a day that's been
permanently engraved on my
brain with something large and
blunt, more than likely a pine
tree (if you look close at my
forehead, you can still see bark
marks).
It all started innocently
enough. My then-girlfriend
suggested/hinted we go skiing. I
The Collegian Wednesday, February 7,1990
The
issin
iece
wasn't too thrilled with the idea,
so she bodily threw me in the car
and we went anyway.
As soon as we got to the
slopes she put the skis on me and
tossed me down the bunny hill. I
should have taken the fact that all
the snow making machines were
on as an omen of a bad day on
the slopes. It's pretty lough to
learn how to ski in the middle of
a blizzard. Sled dogs were doing a
lot better than I was.
After a couple of hours and 27
crashes (at least 10 involved the
sides of buildings) the skiing
wench (nope, no hard feelings
there, huh?) decided I was ready to
move on to bigger and far more
life-threatening things.
Something she left out was
the fact trees attack skiers. She
said they didn't, but I know
better. After all, I was mugged by
enough of them. Large trees
aren't bad though. They just
wiggle their trunks around trying
to bump into you. Somehow I
managed to avoid most of them
as I was sliding down the hill at
an insane speed.
It was the small tree that got
me. Small trees jump out of the
ground and run after you. I'm not
making this up. This small tree
stuck a root out and tripped me
while trying to avoid a mong -
well, you know what I mean.
I went tumbling down the
slope, coming to rest against a
large pine tree. The
approximately 200 skiers on the
double-decker turbo chair lift were
thoughtfully laughing at me and
rating my fall (I managed an 'll'
on the Albanian scale).
Your best and safest bet to
pass the time this winter is to
play a nice quiet board game,
like... Monopoly.
Remember though, some
people may take Monopoly too
seriously and go to extreme
lengths (read: cheat) to win.
Always count the number of
squares they're supposed to move,
make sure $5OO bills don't stick
together and threaten anyone who
reminds another player that you
owe them rent with death by
liposuction (I mean the home
version, which requires a Hoover
upright). If all else fails, get up a
rousing game of water polo.