Page 6
Mark examines
the cold war
by Mark Owens
Sniff.
Oh, excuse me. It seems I've
come down with a cold, which
isn't surprizing considering the
weather. Warm and sunny
Thursday, cold and snowy Friday,
fire and brimstone Saturday - it's
easy for the body to get confused
and feel bad.
I think the weather gods have
been watching the Wheel of
Fortune too long and adapted it
for their own use. I'm talking
about the Wheel of Weather.
Here's a typical conversation in
the clouds above Erie:
Weather god: Let's see what
today's weather is. (Sound of
spinning wheel). Ahhh! Breezy,
sunny and a high in the 60's.
Cloud: You can't do that.
Weather god: Why not?
Cloud: It's January 24th.
Weather god: So? The wheel
says sunny and 60 degrees, so it's
going to be sunny and 60
degrees. Besides, there's this neat
bedroom set behind curtain
number....
Anyway, since 1 got this cold,
I thought I'd pass along some
advice (and you thought 1 was
going to say germs).
The first thing to do is decide
if you have a cold. After all, it
What's going on at Behrend?
If your organization has something planned
and you want it mentioned in Behrend
briefs, write a brief description and bring
it to The Collegian office.
could be something minor like
the mange. If you have a sore
throat, runny nose, stuffed-up
sinuses, aches and pains, chances
are you have a cold, or saw
several color pictures of Rosanne
Barr's tattoo.
Assuming you have a cold,
the next thing to do is figure out
what kind you have. Colds come
in three types:
1) Sniffles
2) The sniffling sneezing
coughing aching stuffy-head fever
so your room mate can't rest,
gurgles like a fountain and you
wind up beating him to death
We should now
discuss treatment .
This is summed up
in one word: drugs.
And lots of them.
with a small refrigerator.
3) Coughing up major
internal organs, having
hallucinations that the bed is
standing on one leg, thinking
you look like a blue-striped
albino newt and spending most of
the day feeling like someone has
mistaken you for a Mr.
Potatohead doll.
We should now discuss
treatment. This is summed up in
one word: drugs. And lots of
them.
Studies shown on TV indicate
medicines with active ingredients
The Collegian Wednesday, January 24, 1990
The
issm
lece
are good. Medicines with active
ingredients and ibuprofen are
better. Medicines with com
pletely unpronounceable in
gredients, though, are best. Look
for medications with
pseudoephrine, hydrochloride,
triprolidine, a pleasant cherry
flavor and monopolysacrosuper
calafragilisticxmealadocious.
Home remedies are another
popular way of exorcising a cold.
There are the cures found in the
National Enquirer, which double
as chrome cleaners in the off
season, and the Budweiser cure.
The theory behind the Bud cure is
to drink enough beer so you
forget you have a cold, let alone
feel it. I don't recommend this
cure.
1 do, however, recommend the
Bachelor's Cure. The idea here is
to eat so badly the invading
germs will be frightened off. A
steady diet of Chcez Whiz,
strawberry Quick milk. Jolt cola
and M&M's is sure to horrify
cold germs. The only drawback is
after while you start to resemble
what you've eaten. Recently my
friends have complimented me on
the healthy yellow and pink
sheen my skin has taken. I'm
very frightened.
The best way to get over a
cold, though, is not to get one at
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all so always avoid sick people.
This way you not only avoid
getting sick, but being thrown
underneath a moving train as
well.
I say this because sick people,
as a general rule, are grouchy. I
mean, when was the last time
you saw a cheerful sick person?
Most sick people tend to squat on
couches surrounded by Kleenex,
sulk, sniffle and make noises
usually associated with minor
demons. Do yourself a favor and
leave them alone. The internal
organs you save may be your
own.
That's the end of my advice
for this week. Remember the
three key ingredients to
recovering from a cold: sleep,
isolation and a2l inch cable
ready color TV with remote
control. Have a long and healthy
life. Achoo.
An Afterthought Department:
Ever since last semester when my
picture here was called "the
Missing Link" I have been on a
quest to come up with a decent
picture idea and I'd like your help.
Outside of getting a new face,
send your ideas, suggestions and
blond Sports Illustrated swimsuit
issue models to The Collegian
office. No C.O.D.’s please .