Page 4
Opinion
Mark gives advice
dealing with relatives
by Mark Owens
This week we celebrate our
nation's most important forgotten
holiday: Thanksgiving. I say
forgotten because it seems in
recent years many of us have
jumped from Halloween to
Christmas, skipping over Turkey
Day entirely. Television
networks don't even show "It's a
Charlie Brown Thanksgiving"
anymore. No wonder our country
is going to hell in a handbasket.
Anyway, many of you are
going home for the holiday.
Eventually you're going to have
to eat Thanksgiving Dinner. Not
that this is bad. Far from it. For
many of you, it's the first meal
in a long time that doesn't
involve a) points, b) a respirator,
c) toxic waste warnings, or d) all
of the above. •
The problem with
Thanksgiving Dinner is relatives.
These are people that you don't
see for several months between
family gatherings. These are
people so strange you really start
to wonder if you've been adopted.
Right now I'd like to open the
floor up to questions you might
have about how to handle your
relations, even though everyone
knows I've made them up. At
least I know the right answers.
PS& U,
t) f 6izio FA:kitzz
'THAT'S IT Iznik' IMMY
CLASS.,. Sral / Fc ' e
QUO i E
2
-,‘• •
f
\ 1
1 4
lr, .
,~
~ ~~
1
111 . „ 7
/,),:i 7, - T
this
stufic i ;
/60 i:L/t.e
dizi
Q: How can I avoid all
of my aunts, - nieces, and
grandmothers asking me
the same questions about
school, work, and social
life approximately every
ten minutes without
jumping on the kitchen
counter with an automatic
weapon and taking them
all out?
A: The obvious answer is to
wait until dinner starts. Right
after grace, climb on the table
and, planting your left foot in the
cranberry sauce and your right
foot in the turkey, give your
answers all at once in a loud
obnoxious voice. I don't think
they'll ever ask you anything
again, let alone have you over for
dinner. If questions persist, I
,highly_ recommend the AK-47
with a banana clip.
Q: What do I do about
small child relatives?
A: You could either a) find a
nice sized closet or b) play nifty
children's games like "Find the
Dust Bunny in the Basement,"
"Astronaut Testing in the Dryer
(use high spin cycle)," or "Small
Children Play Hansel and Gretel
in Detroit (remember: this
version doesn't use bread
crumbs.)"
Q: I have . this problem
c.7 , -4 7 :- CT
a. SS C. f .55 roc) 171
for SO/712
, •
.1 '4)ILD
/tat;
11-7.10
wit t e o .er men in my
family. They engage in
male bonding activities
after dinner, like sprawling
on the sofa watching
football until they fall
asleep, or, Heaven forbid,
going outside to stand
around, various cars talking
about automotive . things.
What daY.l . Ati? .- z
A: There's not much. you can
The Behrend Collegian's editorial opinion is determined by the editor, with the editor holding final
responsibility. Opinions expressed in the Collegian are not necessarily those of the Behrend Collegian
or the Pennsylvania State University.
•
Letter Policy: The Behrend Collegian encourages letters on news coverage, editorial content and
university affairs. Letters should be typewritten, double-spaced and signed by no more than two
persons. Letters should be no longer than 400 words. Letters should include the semester and major of
the writer. All letters should provide the address and phone number of the writer for verification of the
letter.,The Collegian reserves the right to edit letters for length and to reject letters if they are libelous
or do not conform to standards of good taste.
Postai Information: The Behrend Collegian (898-6488) is published weekly by the students of the
Behrend College; The Reed Union Building, Station Road, Erie, Pa 16563.
0 •
c ,
°t lic• r).
.• , 1
•
V-
.k. f 4......
-'-f•P'-' -
. . 1 .4,----.' • ' ..
1 1 '
~.
•......,
_.
Lfu.s I.'
7! . , A,re.c in ore
I can e I - 1 for
f , c(
- -bite ~
-:•~, .. .
EEC=
;7 - ")-7
,~~
.- -
The Collegian Wednesday, November 22,1989
The
Missing
feces
do. Just follow them around and
nod when everyone else nods. If
someone asks you a question, use
one of the following answers:
1) yep, them damn
Republicans
2) yep, them damn Democrats
3) it's a 350 with an overhead
dual quadraphonic cam
4) bad call
5) "140, 141, whatever it
takes"
Another strange phenomenon
that occurs when you go home
for the holidays is that everyone
in your family turns into a Guilt
Monster.
Think about it when you go
home you want to spend time
with friends you haven't seen for
a long time. Here is the typical
response from your folks
(especially mom) as you're
putting on your jacket
"Are you going out?"
Well, yeah. Some of the guys
and I are going out for some
pizza and a little bowling. •
"Oh.. So you'd, rather go out
with your friends thazi spend time
with your family, whom you
haven't seen in two months."
- We 11...
• "I mean, it's not as if we
never talk about anything or
Editorial Policy
4_,,..4.
4
,5 .e/.3
—— • - -- _--1:-.;• -.• ~.0„.5 1
...,_::":•-= , - - r—. --,, -,,._; - , % to e --
. - . .. t -
~,, -.- „... 1 b e .. 1%
, ._, j•-1 3 ::: / •*. ~ ~.2 0._te-4-,;) t... ,- 7 .
~--_-.., - -- -, - 7 - ,,, ' f - li'
i pAr,.. "f -.. 5•-• '.-:•:;.-;.
...... ;.,,, 4rie.•,-.; ; F- f .‘;.- -4
.—.... c.....„ s",.- •.;<,_ : , .-: ). .. r •.,,"-= ~.?
'. R k
.0,4*" (- :\ /(k, (" 7 :--- -,' 1 i •
1 e " .4 44 -
•k if' I '''v ,< - tv -- - „ J r —f
'
-
4 • \
......--;kk i
_.,r • ' t/ .."''. -," 1
t • y , \
_____., , ,-,./ \,___., i,
_ I --. 1
. I i
i
e 4O ,
r i, • f
. .. A ~., it, i -
•
...,.. ..
ME=
WAe.e z_6- - _-, Co:Az/It-,
a
teat .
niteloor.s.
know what's going on with the
family, right?"
Au... (sound of car horn) I got
to go. See you later.
What's worse is the
conversation between you and
your girlfriend/boyfriend:
"Oh! You'd rather go out
drinking with your, friends
than spend time with, me
huh! Huh! "(makes noise that's
something -similar to what the
little girl does in "the Exorcist")
To avoid this problem, stay
home most of the time and annoy
everyone until they beg you to
go out with your friends, or to
Detroit. Whichever gets you out
of the house longer.
That's it. If you follow these
little tips I guarantee you'll come
home from Thanksgiving Break
without a turkey drumstick
shoved up your left nostril. By
the way: my mailbox buddy if
you're out there, stop by the
mailbox from time to time and
pick up your mail. I hope you
don't mind that I used one of the
order forms _ out of your
Frederick's of Hollywood
catalogue. _ That.
_-camouflage
mosquito-netting negligee is
going to make a great Christmas
gift.
==l