Mark is
the
Parking
Lot
Warrior
(continued from page 6)
and entered Zone Two. From here
on in all we had to do was turn in
the Behrend driveway and get to a
parking lot. No problem.
The Nissan plunged down the
other side of the hill and toward
the intersection. John pointed
toward a red Chrysler Laser
coming down on us fast.
"There's no way we'll beat it
to the turn," he said. Suddenly a
passenger leaned out the side
window and sprayed bullets
across the roadway. Fortunately I
had self-sealing tires and
bulletproof glass, but the act of
defiance had John a little ticked
off. He reached into his bag and
produced his grenade launcher.
Leaning out the window, he fired.
The Chrysler burst into a ball of
vaporized metal.
We swung into the driveway
(completely ignoring the 15 mph
sign of course. We're talking
about parking spaces here) and
raced down the curving road
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toward Lot A. John looked into
his side mirror and warned me
about the monstrous Blazer
rumbling up behind us. I told
him to take care of it because I
had our space in sight and had to
zero in on it.
I heard the whistle and crump
of a detonating grenade to my
left. I guess the guys in the
Blazer brought their own toys.
John climbed to the back of the
car and ripped the cover off of the
anti-tank missile launcher. The
grenades were landing to the left
and right of us and I swerved to
avoid the explosions.
I engaged my MagniFinder
and set sights on my target, some
2,000 yards away. Then I got
scared. Some chump in a Yugo
was headed for the same spot.
Drastic measures were needed.
With a quick warning to John,
I flipped another switch on the
dash. Metal spikes popped out of
the tires and I took the car off
road across the athletic field. John
was cussing and swearing that he
couldn't get a bead on the Blazer.
Soccer players out for a
morning workout scattered as we
charged across, dodging grenades
and bullets. There was a thud and
a bang as one of the grenades
landed five feet from the . car. I
yelled back to John and he said
something unkind about my
mother, then instructed me to
blow the hatch. There was a hum
and a whoosh as the missile
streaked off toward the Blazer.
There was a booming noise
behind us and the gray landscape
was lit up for a second by the
exploding Blazer, Earl Scheib
paint job blown to hell. Jerk.
I careened into the lot and bore
down on the white Yugo. He
didn't stand a chance. I pressed
another button and the Nissan's
machine guns opened up, slicing
the Yugo's tires. It ground to a
halt and I zipped past, making a
screeching turn into the empty
parking space. Mission
accomplished.
Shutting off the engine, my
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eyes darted to my watch. 8:58
am. Still time to run to Turnbull
and grab our cats for class. I got
out and surveyed the damage: a
few bullet holes, some scratches
and a partially melted bumper
from that near-miss grenade. Not
too bad. Nothing a little Bondo
wouldn't be able to fix.
The moral of this little story
is that parking at Behrend is bad,
although maybe not as bad as car
warfare. Most days there is, to
say the least, some scrambling to
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Page
find a spot and it is not unusual
to see cars parked on sidewalks,
lawns and occasionally in the
beds of pick-up trucks.
Parking is a growing problem
on campus. This band-aid
approach of digging out a lot in
the middle of campus (the new
commuter lot comes to mind)
every semester isn't going to
work for long. I'm hoping
somebody thinks up a plan to
solve the crunch soon. Until then
be warned; I'm packing Cheez
Whiz and I knoi , how to use it.