The Collegian Wednesday, November 8, 1989
Opinion
Rob, reader agree on
teaching theory but not
on specifics
Dear Love Rob,
For a change, I agree with
some of the opinions in your
article this week (November Ist).
Teaching at a college level would
be fun, but a couple of your
policies are way out of line.
First of all, forget about the
Cleveland Browns and the
Cleveland Cavaliers, those are sad
teams from an even sadder city.
Secondly, class should not be
cancelled if either one of those
teams win.
The only time that classes
should be cancelled is the Friday
before the Steelers game and the
Monday after they win (well,
even if they play a decent game).
Also classes should be
cancelled •if the Pittsburgh
Penguins play a good, strong
game (win or lose).
Automatic A's should be
given out to those who wear
The Behrend Collegian's editorial opinion is determined by the
editor, with the editor holding final responsibility. Opinions
expressed in the Collegian are not necessarily those of the Behrend
Collegian or the Pennsylvania State University.
Letter Policy: The Behrend Collegian encourages letters on news
coverage, editorial content and university affairs. Letters should be
typewritten, double-spaced and signed by no more than two
persons. Letters should be no longer than 400 words. Letters
should include the semester and major of the writer. All letters
should provide the address and phone number of the writer for
verification of the letter. The Collegian reserves the right to edit
letters for length and to reject letters if they are libelous or do not
conform to standards of good taste.
Postal Information: The Behrend Collegian (898-6488) is published
weekly by the students of the Behrend College; The Reed Union
Building, Station Road, Erie, Pa 16563.
The Collegian
Published weekly by the students of Behrend Collega,,Erie, Pa
(814) 898-6488
Member of College Press Service
Editor.... James Martin
Assistant Editor.... Todd J. Irwin
Entertainment Edttor....Robb Frederick
Sports Editor.... John Musser
Columns Editor.... Rob Prindle
Copy Editor.... Rob Farnham
Photo Coordinator.... Rick Brooks
Business Manager.... Stan Lefes
Advertising Manager.... Christie Redmond
Layout Edftor....Chris Kocott
Advisor.... Dr. Mike Simmons
The Collegian is a student-edited newspaper
black and gold, or "I Hate
Cleveland" pins.
I hope someday you go on to
be a great college professor.
Sincerely,
Brien P. Murphy
A Proud- Pittsburgher
P.S. Does an essay mentioning
the 'Beatles' get a good grade,
too?
Brien,
You are a dink and what's
worse you are a Pittsburgh clink.
I sincerely hope that you never
again waste my time with your
annoying Pittsburgh propaganda.
While it may be a fine city, if
you feel you must write about it,
get your own damn column.
Editorial Polic
Love, Rob
Mark talks about
wonderful world •
Christmas shoppi
by Mark Owens
I was sitting in the kitchen a couple of days
ago, eating a nutritious breakfast of Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles and Jolt Cola, which has
more caffeine and sugar in one can than the USDA
recommends you should consume in three billion
skillion years, when my Aunt Mary started
measuring my arm.
This presented a slight problem, since she
straightened my arm across my face to measure it
and shoved my spoon up my left nostril. Aunt
Many didn't mind. I did.
She measured my neck, cutting off most of the
blood flow to my brain, and took other import and
measurements for clothing, like my waist, chest
and big toe.
All of this means two things: The first is Aunt
Mary doesn't know her strength with a tape
measure. The second is this traditional measuring
signals the start of the Christmas season, when
Aunt Mary knits the traditional sweater that looks
like it was made from the hair of an Albanian goat
with leprosy.
Which brings me to the Christmas shopping
season. Stores start the campaign on or around
August Ist, while some people start much earlier,
like December 26th. All of this makes a shopping
holiday lasting longer than the average NBA
season.
With that in mind, here's some advice to make
shopping a little easier, even though every single
one of your relatives are going to return the stuff
you bought anyway.
Parking: This is just the start of your fun
filled afternoon of gift acquiring, ha ha. Finding an
empty parking space during shopping season is like
trying to convince people the national deficit is a
slight bookkeeping error.
But I have a way of solving this problem. I
submit to you the philosophy of Parking Lot
Vulturism. All you have to do is wait outside a
store entrance in your car with the engine running.
When a person comes out, follow him or her to
their car, always keeping a three to four foot space
between your bumper and the back of their knee
caps. Rev your engine from time to time to keep
them from slowing down.
I've had good results in hurrying people along
by tying large, drooling domesticated animals to
the front of my car. The football team enjoyed the
outing and said rope burn wasn't much of a
problem. Remember, your goal is a parking spot,
preferably in the same country as the shopping
center, so be aggressive.
Shopping: Arrive early at the mall to be in
the upper third of the hoard massing at the doors.
Three or four in the morning is a good time.
These people know how to
shop. As soon as the doors
open, they rush in and take the
stores, covering each other
until the purchase is made. A
good commando team of
shoppers can be in and out of a
mall in three hours with only
minor casualties.
The
Missing
teces
For best results, try to follow the pro
shoppers. You can easily spot them by their
wardrobe: big purses, huge jangly bracelets to
render other shoppers and sales clerks unconscious,
a folio of sale fliers and spare shopping bags.
These people know how to shop. As soon as
the doors open, they rush in and take the stores,
covering each other until the purchase is made. A
good commando team of shoppers can be in and out
of a mall in three hours with only minor casualties.
Buying: There's a difference between
shopping and buying. Shopping is wandering
around the mall, looking at stuff, annoying clerks
and having to peel sticky children off of your pants
every three minutes. Buying is actually taking an
object to a cash register and going in debt. The
thing to remember is show no mercy. After all,
this is Christmas. Never show mercy to tired
parents, wet-on Santas, small children or
grandmothers. They want the same thing you do: a
package to hand somebody on December 25th so
they can say "where's mine?"
So there you are: be early, be firm, be
aggressive and ,while you're at it, slightly crazy.
Now go out there and shop!
Are they gone yet? Good. Here's my real
advice for Christmas shopping: Procrastinate.
That's right, put everything off until December
22nd. Its the best time to shop.
Since there are fewer crazed commando
shoppers, there's an atmosphere of "everyone's in
the same boat and how 'bout a beer after this is
over?" and since everything is picked over,
decision-making is easy.
An example that comes to mind is last year's
quest for Aunt Janice's present. I decided to get her
a sweater because a) it was the first thing I thought
of, b) the store closed in ten minutes, c) it was
Christmas Eve and d) she was going to take
whatever I bought back anyway. I could have given
her a Garden Weasel and she wouldn't have cared.
Anyway, I was standing in front of this
sweater display trying to decide between a black or
white one, since that was all that was left. Aunt
Janice is a rather large woman and I figured she
could either look like a pot-bellied stove or a
Shmoo. I chose white, since in black Aunt Janice
also resembles one of the Four Horsemen,
especially when carving a ham with an electric
knife.
Well, that's it for this week. Good luck and
good hunting. By the way, if you decide to feed the
domestic animals tied to my car, they're partial to
Twinkles and Coke.
Page 3