Page 6
Mark looks
meaning
journalism
by Mark Owens
A few weeks ago I wrote
about the Soviet Union and their
problem with pesky UFO's and
space aliens that zap children and
drink all their vodka.
So I was interested in last
Friday's top story by a major
supermarket tabloid, "Soviets
Take UFO Captain Prisoner!"
:This tabloid, by the way, ranks
right up there with the National
.StarPeopleEnquirer, the Pulsar,
the Evening Carnage and
International Slime. These are the
paragons of journalism that
constantly warn uus about dandruff
causing hair loss, bad breath,
cancer, and its use in making
Cheez Whiz. They also run
informative stories about brain
;fuel and killer parrots.
I kid you not about the killer
parrots. The affore-mentioned
i tabloid ran a story about this
Charles Bronson-type bird that
killed an elderly couple. Can you
picture this?
You: Polly want a cracker?
Parrot: Polly want an
important internal organ.
*Squawk*
Ask Lonanne
collegian Advis* Column
by Dr. Louanne Barton,
Psychologist
This week: Where to turn
when you become pregnant
Dear Louanne,
I have a question you probably won't touch
with a ten foot pole let alone print, and I'm not
sure I blame you
Where does a girl go in this town to get help in
dealing with pregnancy? I've looked in the yellow
pages and there are three places listed, but I don't
know anything about them.
Anyway, I decided to check
out the story by calling the
Evening Carnage and talking to
one of the staffers I know, Guck
Gouger.
"Hey Mark, how's it going?"
Not bad. Say, any truth to
this story about the UFO captain
being kidnapped by the KGB?
P - md
Mark Owens
Signed,
Possibly Pregnant and Scared
for
tabloid
Pieces
"Where did you hear that?
Hold on a sec. Sammy! Did you
get those photos of the pregnant
lady who fell into a moat full of
man-eating piranha, was chased
by bloodthirsty headhunters and
then gave unassisted birth to
triplets while fending off a pack
of hyenas? You did? Good!
"Sorry about that. Now you
heard this where? Really? That
rag? They're a bunch of
sensationalist slime."
So the story isn't true.
"Well sort of. Aliens landed,
but it wasn't exactly the way we
wrote it up."
Well, what did happen?
"Promise you won't tell?
Cross your heart and hope to die,
stick a large blunt object in your
eYer
- When was the last time a
promise held any weight at the
Carnage?
"True. We 11... we sort of,
umm, exaggerated the story a
bit."
Dear Possibly Pregnant,
I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't try to answer your
question. It certainly is a tricky one, not easily answered by
looking in the yellow pages of the Erie Phone Directory.
Before I answer you question, if you aren't sure whether or not
you are pregnant, don't rely on home pregnancy testing. Go to
our Behrend Health Center for a reliable test. It is
recommended that you come in after a missed or late period,
but don't delay. Your options become more limited after the
first trimester (12 weeks).
Now for your question about where to go for help. As a
professional counselor, I believe strongly that my job is to
help you to look at options so that you can decide what is best
for you. Ethically, I feel that I must remain objective. If a
counselor
. can't do that, then he/she should refer you to a
professional who can. Some agencies masquerade as
counseling services but, in fact, take a strong anti-abortion
stand such as the Pregnancy Aid Center and the Emergency
Pregnancy Service listed in the yellow pages. One agency in
Erie which offers unbiased information on all options is
Family Services, a United Way agency.
Reliable information on abortion can be obtained from
several resources in Pittsburgh and Buffalo. I can provide you
with phone numbers. If abortion is your choice, The Behrend
Health Center can also provide follow-up services.
Family Services can help with other options such as
planning to keep the baby, temporary foster care, or placing
the baby for adoption. They will welcome the father's
involvement in the planning.
You need a supportive, accepting, objective, non
judgmental environment so that you can be sure that you are
making the decision which is right for you, a decision that
you can live with (and, if you are including the father, a
decision that he can live with).
I would be happy to provide you with a confidential place
where you can explore the options. Just call ext. 6164 to make
an appointment.
The Collegian Wednesday, November 1, 1989
The
Missing
"Well, the space ship wasn't
a huge shimmering ball. It really
looked like a green avocado with
the mange, but who'd believe
that?"
What about the photos of the
aliens?
"Well, we took Andre the
Giant and a couple of other
weightlifters whose most
sophisticated sentence is 'I don't
do no steroids,' dressed them in
some aluminum-foil fashions by
renowned French designer
Bonjour Pate and shot some pics
of them strolling around Gorky
Park, very drunk."
And the kid?
"Ha ha ha! That was the
best! Guess who it was!"
Who was it?
"No. You gotta guess."
IlEl=l3l
Like?
Mikhail Gorbachev?
"Unh unh."
Billy Joel?
"Wrong."
Who?
‘_:•-: :,- -
Sincerely,
Louanne
"Doug Henning with a crew
cut. Who'd recognize him?"
Well what about all these
'eyewitness' accounts?
"Hey, have enough vodka
and you can do anything. How do
you think we put out a paper
every week, anyway?"
So you're saying the whole
thing was a hoax?
"Not really. Believe it or
not, a UFO did land. Nothing
came out except this shiny
envelope, probably because they
were afraid of Andre. He's a mean
drunk. Belched in Raisa's face and
called her a squid."
What about the envelope?
"Oh. well after we picked it
up the UFO took off. We had a
tough time getting it open. In the
end we gave it to Andre and told
him it was a Hershey's Kiss. No
problem."
What did it say?
"Something
construction project."
That sounds like Douglas
Adam's Hitchhikers Guide to the
Galaxy, where the earth is
destroyed to make room for an
intergalactic expressway.
"You actually read that trash?
Who believes it? Say, I gotta go.
We're doing this photo spread
about the secret love nest of Loni
Anderson, Rob Lowe and Jim
Nabors. Bye."
Halloween
Activities
at Behrend
Yesterday
by Deirdre J. Hamilton
Collegian Staff Writer
This year, as in the past,
Behrend sponsored a
Halloween program for Diehl
Elementary School called
Wee People. Diehl students
came here yesterday to go
trick-or-treating. The
activity was organized by
JRC.
Other Halloween
activities held around campus
included Lolli-Grams,
sponsored by the first floor
girls of Lawrence Hall.
Orders are being taken in the
Reed Building starting today
and ending this Friday.
Deliveries will be made on
Monday November 6th.
The Association of Black
Collegians fundraising
committee held a trick-or
treat fundraiser in front of the
Wintergreen Cafe the
Monday, Oct. 30th, from 9
to 5 and SPC had a special
showing of Halloween films:
The Little Rascals in
"Shivering My Timbeis,"
"Shivering 5 Spooks" and
"Bored of Education," as well
as "Creature from the Black
about a