The Collegian Wednesday, October 25,1989
Vacations: Mark finds out
that even American
Express can't help
by Mark Owens
Vacations are wonderful
things. I recently took one
myself to visit some friends,
enjoy the fall season and get
away from the increasing number
of people whom I'd like to
bludgeon with a running
Osterman blender.
After this trip I've decided
there are some things that people
should know about vacations.
So, as a public service column,
here are my observations on
vacations.
When you're staying at
someone's home you have this
fear of being a pest, getting
thrown out and ending up
sleeping in a dumpster behind the
sleaziest bowling alley in town.
As a consequence this fear
will affect everything you do,
like breathing, eating and
sleeping.
Unless you plan on eating out
a lot, you're going to have to
watch your host carefully to
make sure you don't eat
something he/she wanted to eat.
After all, you don't want hard
feelings to develop because you
ate the last Po• T. do ou?
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4646 Buffalo Road
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The trick is to follow your
host very closely around the
kitchen (about five inches away
from him), watching everything
he does. Eventually he'll stari
throwing food at you. Take it and
retire to the living room, making
sure he doesn't mix sharp objects
in with the pizza
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A frequent problem that crops
up is bathing. A lot of times
you'll toddle up to the bathroom
to take a shower and discover that
you've forgotten your towel. You
don't want to use his towel
because 1) he's already used it and
it's wet, 2) He hasn't used it yet,
but if he finds it wet you may
wind up in a dumpster or 3)
you're staying With a guy who
hasn't washed towels in two
weeks, so this is his last one.
My solution is use yesterday's
laundry. Provided you don't have
a really large body, a t-shirt,
jeans and socks should get you
dry enough to use the hair dryer,
unless you forgot that too.
You also end up doing things
your host wants to do, even
though you'd have more fun
buying shoe laces, simply
because you don't want to sleep
in a dumpster.
My Host: Say Mark, how
bout we go get some cheap beer
and watch highlights of the
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The
Missing
Pieces
tractor pulls I've got on video
tape? Then maybe we can go next
door and play the home version
of "Family Feud" with my buddy
S tan.
Mc: Uh...sure.
My Host: Say Mark,
how bout we go get
some cheap beer
and watch
highlights of the
tractor pulls - I've
got on tape with my
buddy Stan?
Me: Uh...sure.
Of course, this all applies ii
you are the polite mild-mannered
sort. If not, you should, know
that guests, like ambassadors,
have diplomatic immunity.
This means you can do things
you'd never get away with in
it's tender...it's like a a a
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simmered to perfection
in our own sassy hickory-style
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i m v\
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cDortaicrs
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sPresent coupon - when ordering:. Cash value 1 / 2 0 II
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INot good with any other offers.. . of 1 cent.
"'Limit one coupon 9er food item -..• er • erson •er visit.l
your own house, like not
cleaning up spills, changing
sheets, doing dishes, taking out
the trash, paying the rent - this
explains why your relatives try to
stay forever during the summer.
In fact, it's not uncommon for
a guest to mutate into Robin
Leach: "Hello, and welcome to
Bill Bently's living room! A fine
showcase of third-hand furniture
that any impoverished college
student would be proud to have!
And now, off to the bathroom!"
Also, you can find out some
really interesting things about
your host, like he actually reads
magazines such as the National
Enquirer, the Evening Carnage
and Cosmopolitan. He also has
an out of control herd of, Chia
Pets in the kitchen, and an
autographed photo of Brent
Musburger in his bedroom, right
next to a closet filled with huge
women's dresses and size 13
pumps. Why, I didn't want to
know.
Sooner or later, the vacation
ends and you must pack your
bags and leave. Both you and
your host will tell each other that
you had a good time. Both you
and your host will say that it
should be done again real soon.
Both you and your host are lying.
Actually the two of you are
thinking silent thoughts. He is
pondering how soon he can exact
his revenge by visiting you and
you are wondering how soon he'll
notice his missinl towels.
National
Fthic Produces
Cound I
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