Page 8
Mark shares his
concerns about th
Soviet Union
by Mark Owens
I think the Soviet Union
should stick with communism
and give up this pens' voila stuff.
Why? Because it's not good for
them.
If you've been following
events in the Land of Fur Hats
and Vodka, you know about the
recent mass sightings of space
aliens and Elvis there. It's sort of
scary to read that - Tass, the
official news agency of the
Soviet Union, is publishing
reports of huge space creatures
with tiny heads.
I think they've been
consulting a few too many copies
of fine investigative publications
like the National Enquirer and the
Evening Coinage. The next thing
you know Tass headlines will
announce "Vodka cures cancer,"
"Ten exercises you can do in line
to reduce flabby thighs while
waiting for toilet paper," and
"Mikhail Gorbachev's former life
as an exotic fan dancer/female
AvailabEz at your
Behrend Bookstore:
An outstanding work by our own
ODERNIZATION
mom:. How "Amy Lteicf toeS fr
I guess I'm just worried that
they're going to pick up a lot of
bad habits from us, like oat bran.
Oat bran is, despite published
scientific reports, not good for
you.
IRAzipit Lotveli Evrast - t
" . 3olin Brown Gordon"
•o 0 ati
mud wrestler."
If they're going to import
examples of journalism from the ;
West; I'd rather see somethin
I had this incredible
urge to wrench open
the jar and free the
poor souls with' a
ay of "Be free little
herrings!"
along the lines of the New York
Times, the Washington Post, or
at least the Complete Tales of
Winnie the Pooh.
Pieces
Look at horses. They eat oat
bran all the time and I don't think
they're any better off. They snort
John Broum Gordon
SOLDIER • SOUTHERNER • AMERICAN
I SeHU
The Collegian Wednesday, October 18, 1989
The
Missing
a lot and have huge eyeballs and
teeth bigger than. your head. You
don't want to look like that, do
you? I didn't think so. Besides,
you have to eat approximately
two metric tons of oat bran
before you get any benefit from
it, so not only will you look like
a horse, but be as big as one too.
Mother thing that worries me
are supermarkets, where you can
buy things like - Herring Party
Snacks. I kid you not. I was
looking for Cheez-Whiz and I
came across these little herrings
in a jar, starring at me as it to
say "Help me!"
I had this incredible urge to
wrentch open the jar and free the
poor souls with a cry of "Be free
little herrings!", but I figured the
large muscular stock boy behind
me wouldn't. take kindly to little
slimy fish being tossed all over
his floor.
In fact, there's a lot of things
that I'd feel guilty about having
the Russians learn from us.
A biography of Gordon that
analyzes all areas of his
confederate career.
Read about his
contributions to Georgia,
to the South, and to the
United States during the
Civil War.
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There's the exercise/diet craze
seems caught up in,
which doesn't do much except
sentence you to wear $3OO
workout - suits and eat lettuce once
a day.
that
is another thing
that concerns_ me. I'm very
frightened as to what the
Russians. would think of quality
shows • like "Pee Wee's
Playhouse," "Beach Patrol" and
"Joanie loves Chachi."
There's also televangelism
(Jim and Tammy Bakker - 'nuff
said?), professional sports where
athletes are paid more in a week
than teachers are in a year and
media that can at times be more
destnictive than Hurricane Hugo.
Don't get me-wrong. There's a
lot of things that we should give
to the Russians, like the
Constitution, capitalism, VCR's,
Trek bicycles and cinnamon Pop
Tarts.
I just wonder at times if
everything in the West is so
much better than anything in the
East. Maybe the average Soviet
would be better off waiting in
line for groceries than in a
supermarket line with a jar of
Herring Party Snacks, reading the
latest tabloid stories about the
HUD scandal, the S&L bail out,
the deficit and President Bush
being the love child of Gilligan
and Madonna.
Skateway ,
Roger
Rink
4646 Buffalo Road
89 9-6 1 00