The Collegian Wednesday, October 18, 1989
Ed looks at numbers
shaping America
by Ed Miseta
I like statistics. Statistics
about people, specifically. So
you can imagine how happy I
was when I opened up the Parade
Magazine in my newspaper last
Sunday and found statistics on
"We, The Americans." Compiled
from more than 200 reports,
journals and opinion polls these
statistics show, in percentages,
how and what Americans think
about various ingredients which
Comprise their lives.
Since it's hard for most people
to fully understand what some of
these stats actually mean, I've
decided to fill you in on a few of
them.
1) 90 percent of Americans
Consider themselves happy
people.
This means, of course, that 10
percent of Americans are not
happy campers. If you broke
down that 10 percent you would
find that three percent are college
graduates who can't find a job
(probably Accounting majors),
three percent are Americans
living below the poverty level,
and four percent are disturbed
individuals requiring the
assistance of self-help groups.
These self-help groups include
A.A., COPE, - Al-Anon,
Fraternities, and Sororities.
2) Eighty-three percent of
Americans feel close to God.
Of these, 60 percent are
Christians, 20 percent are
itheists who lied during the
survey, and 3 percent are Nittany
Lion fans who develop a close
relationship with God every time
Tony Sacca drops back to pass.
3) Eighty-one percent of
American abortions are performed
on unmarried women.
This is because fine,
upstanding young men like
myself refuse to sleep with
married women.
4) One percent of Americans
do not believe in God.
This is probably the segment
of our population that are
Chicago Cub fans.
5) Forty percent of Americans
do not think a college education
is important to succeed in the
business world.
They do, however, feel that
being able to shed tears at will,
being able to handle a
switchblade, and being able to
e • rend's Blood Drive
October 18 & 19
10A1VI - 4PM
IN REED BUILDING
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perform ethics violations without
batting an eyelash are necessities
to succeeding in the business
world.
6) Three percent of American
women need more than 25
minutes of intercourse before
they reach orgasm.
These are the women that I
seem to keep meeting. The only
problem is that I'm one of those
males that require approximately
25 seconds of intercourse before I
reach orgasm. You can see how
this might put a strain on a
relationship.
7) Three percent of Americans
think Elvis Presley was history's
most exciting figure.
These same people also
believe that Nixon will run again
in 1992, that Roseanne Barr is
America's greatest actress, and
that Jim Morrison is still alive
and living near Panama City,
Panama.
8) Six percent of Americans
feel the single greatest element in
happiness is great wealth.
I'm proud to say that I am one
of those 6 percent. Let's face it, if
you have a lot of money, you can
go out and buy all of those
things that make you really
happy. Things such as boats,
houses, cars, beer, and even
women that orgasm after only 25
seconds.
9) Thirty-five percent of
Americans do not drink akohoL
If you broke down this
statistic you would find that 20
percent are followers of Jerry
Falwell who feel it is against
their religion to drink, 10 percent
are recovering alcoholics who are
not allowed to drink, and 5
percent are Behrend students who,
if they dare consume a beer, risk
being arrested by Campus police,
thrown in jail, and getting
slapped with steep, outrageous
fines. Once campus police start
carrying guns, this number will
rise even higher.
So there you have it.
Statistics on We, The Americans,
properly broken down and
analyzed. If you ever come across
any stats in other publications
and can't quite figure them out,
please feel free to send them to
my attention here at the
Collegian. I'd be happy to
analyze them for you.
Till next week, Thanks for
your support.
MffM
ASLCAGAS
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Located in The Eric Center Mall Complex
Ask Louanne
The Collegian Advice Column
by Dr. Louanne Barton,
Psychologist
Howie you going to do it?
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Dr. Barton is
taking this week
off from her
regular column but
will return next
week. If you'd like
to write a letter to
Dr. Barton, simply
drop it off in the
counseling center
on the first floor of
the Reed Building
or place your letter
in campus mail
"My them lab report is due Monday.
4 English lit. paper is due Tuesday.
My economics paper is due on Wednesday.
And the big game's tomorrow."
PS/2 it!
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