The Collegian Wednesday, October 4, 1989
Ed displays his death wish
by Ed Miseta
Collegian Staff Writer
News came out last week
which has a lot of women,
especially feminists, in an
uproar. It's something which
could negate many of the
advances that women have made
and set the whole female
population back a few years.
What was the big news?
Women are getting dumber.
A report which came out last
week stated that SAT scores for
women have dropped of late. This
is something that I have
suspected for quite a while but
was never able to confirm until
now.
Now don't get me wrong. I
have nothing against women and
certainly could never be called a
chauvinist (well, almost never).
But women today do things
which seem to prove over and
over again that their level of
intelligence is not keeping up
with that of their male
counterparts. What is it exactly
that they do, you ask? Consider
this:
-1) They go out with men-
Everyone knows that most
men are lying, conniving,
cheating, no-good-for-nothing
(except earning money) animals.
In spite of this, women continue
to i date, sleep with, and even
marry many of us. Granted, there
aren't many good substitutes, but
the fact remains that if I were a
PARENTS & FAMILIES WEEKEND
FRIDAY • OCTOBER 6 THROUGH SUNDAY • OCTOBER 8, 1989
FRIDAY • OCTOBER 6
440 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
Registration - Real Union Building. Winter Garden
(first Floor)
6:00 p.m . . .
Welcoming Receptloo - Reed Union Building.
Winner Garden (Firm Floor)
7.00 pm.
Sas Dinner (56.75/pason. rickets pre ordered and
available at registration on a first-come. first-caved
basis. Saida= on a meal plan may use meal cards.)
Reed Union Building, Wintergreen Cate (Second
Floor)
9:00 pm.
Cultural Event: 'Tour Guys Standing
Around Singing" - Road Union Building. Lecture
Hall (Second Floor). The "Four Guys Standing
Around Staging" have been wowing Chicago
audieices for over a yea with their unique four-pan
a cavils sound. They we seen nationally in a
McDonalds television commercial and heard on
various regional and national radio shows. Sponsored
by the Student lhopamming Council
(Admission Free)
Bonfire• Pep Rally
10:30 p.m.
Student hogrammlng Council Movle:
jkikslly DI !lumina - Reod Union Building
Lecture Hall (Admission Free)
SATURDAY • OCTOBER 7
100 - 4.00 p.m.
Reglarstke - Reed Union Building. Winter Garden
(Fun Floor)
10:00 am. - 12:1:0 noon
Campus Tours - depart on the how from the
Registration Table. Reed Union Building
Winter Garden
11:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
Plcnk (3.s.oolpersari. Tickers pre-ordered and
available at registration on a first-come. first-served
basis. Swim= on a meal plan may use meal cards.) -
Wilson Picnic Grove
woman, I wouldn't go out with
me.
2) They read "People" magazine.
This is probably the most
pathetic magazine in existence
today. No other tabloid uses as
much sensationalism and "dirty
laundering" to sell its issues.
Their writers have as much
insight as a fifth grader on crack
and their movie reviewers know
as much about film as they do
about the Bushmen of the
Kalihari (which is nothing). The
only thing that is more brainless
than this magazine is the people
who read it. Men, on the other
hand, read much more interesting
and informative wags. I, for
example, read "Hustler," "WWF I
Magazine," "Official Detective,"
and "The Weekly World News."
3) They watch "Roseanne"-
This fat, ignorant, sad excuse
for a human being has become
rich and famous as a result of
women faithfully watching her
show every week. Aside from
being obnoxious, she is also
sexist and very unfunny. The
only thing more annoying than
watching Roseanne is sitting in a
stall with nothing else to read
except a week-old copy of the
Collegian. Men, on the other
hand, prefer to watch quality
television programming such as
baseball, football, "The
Hollywood Squares," and Cher
videos.
4) They know nothing about
history or geography-
20) p.m.
Metes Varsity Soccer Match. Pain Slue-
Barerad vs. California Lk/avoid) , of Patasytvirtis -
Soo= Field
530 p.m.
Reception for Parents, Families and
Students. Sponsored by Dr. John M. Laney.
Provost and Dan. and Mn. Genie La ley Reed
Union &Whig: Winos Garden
6:30 p.m.
Candlelight Dinner (S7.oolretson. 'rackets pm
maimed and available at legistration on a fust-eome.
first-served basis. Students on meal a plan may use
meal amis.) - Reed Union Butictin. Wintery= Cate
(Second Flom)
8:(10 p.m.
Debate - Morton Kondracke. Senior Editor of
3:b,N,jk. z a c vs William Rusher. Publish= of
nrjtOn. Pevi Topic "The Rush Repots Card" -
Ede Hall (Admission Free)
10:00 pan.
Student Programming Council Movie:
Mkslesion! Burnine - Reed Union Building
Lecture Hall (Second Roar)
SUNDAY • OCTOBER 8
9:30 am.
Brunch ($525/person. Tickets pre.ordoed and
available at registration on &first-Lune. first-saved
basis. Studaus on a meal plan may use meal cards.)
Reed Union Building. Winter Garden (Fine Floor)
11:00 ant.
Cultural Event Zagsr-Feldman Duq Violin
and Cello. Joanne Zags!. violinist and Leonard
Feldman, celha have been an the faculty of the Pam
SLUE School of Music since 1962 and have gahned
international prominence as artists - Reed Union
Building, Winter Garden (Fum Floor)
If you questioned one hundred
women, ninety-nine of them
would tell you that Kansas is a
country in Central America and
that the Mexican-American War
is currently being fought between
American border guards and
illegal Mexican aliens. This
makes playing Trivial Pursuit
with women a lot of fun because
even if they somehow manage to
get all their "pies," you can keep
giving them blue or yellow as a
final question, knowing they'll
never get it right. Well, I should
take that back. I once played with
a girl who got a history question
right. She was from Philadelphia
and happened to know that the
Liberty Bell was located
somewhere in that city.
I could go on, but I think you
get the picture. If this downward
trend in women's SAT scores
continues, we men might one day
be able to call all the shots in our
relationships, like we used to be
able to do before the 19705. We
might even be able to convince
women that they really do belong
at home, cooking, cleaning and
raising children (like they once
did). So c'mon, guys. Encourage
your little sisters to not study.
Help them with their math
homework but give them the
wrong answers. Let them watch
MTV and "Roseanne" twenty
four hours a day. Subscribe to
"People." The future of male
world dominance depends on us.
Let's go for it.
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Take my advice:
Freshmen need
lots of help
by Rob Farnham
Collegian Staff Writer
Having actually been a college
freshman several more times than
most people, I feel that I am
eminently qualified to offer advice
to first-year students. After all,
practice allegedly makes perfect
(though you couldn't prove it by
my GPA).
Yes, I've experienced the
triumphs and tribulations of that
initial semester over and over
again. Why? Because I just can't
get enough Byzantine bureaucracy
and institutional paternalism to
suit me anywhere else but
college. Anyway, rd like to share
some of my insights, such as
they are, with you young'uns at
Behrend. For starters:
-Everyone else here went to
high school, too. So find other
topics of conversation besides
what an awesome stud/love
goddess/superstar jock/fearless
leader/party machine you were
back at Podunk Central. No one
wants to hear about it. Get on
with your life.
-Consider majoring in a real
silbjecLif ioikve been talking for
fifteen or more years and reading
and writing for at least ten,
communications courses should
seem thoroughly redundant to
"Relatively speaking,
Art Carved has
the best deal on gold:
Outside Bookst
Location
A RTQA RVED
re October 4&5
you. A business degree may
actually get you an entry-level
job, if any of your relatives own
companies that are hiring. But if
you major in, say, English, you
can know that, though terminally
unemployable, you may at least
be a fairly interesting
conversationalist.
•Your advisor, wonderful
human being that he or she may
be, doesn't want to see you.
Helping you set a course for your
life is just too much
responsibility; they just sign
forms. Therefore, attempt to get
an advisor who meets one of
these two criteria: Frequently on
campus with extensive office
hours and lots of pens, or
possessed of a signature that you
can easily forge.
•Before sending your hate mail
to the author of "Love Rob"(no
relation), actually finish reading
his column. Doing so would
tend to clear up many
misunderstandings. Also keep in
mind that a sense of humor (and
irony) comes in very handy when
attempting to interpret Mr.
Prindle's work.
• •You mayl3elieve,:,now that
you've entered college, that you
will be treated like an adult. You
are very much mistaken. There
are officials on this campus who
(continued on page 10)
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Page 7
women.
your
;old ring
•bly
protected
.ifetime
ow's the
your
sk how
on gold
;, too.