Newspaper Page Text
Mark talks abou
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
No Jim, I'm not going to let
you out of that newt-filled
steamer trunk until you tell me
that you'll ru... Yes, I know that
they have pointy teeth, but....
Oh hi! Ha ha ha. Just chatting
with my editor about this week's
column. He's worried that some
people may find it offensive. He's
also convinced that - I was
possessed when I wrote it.
Anyway, this week's column
deals with the questions that men
have always wanted to ask, but
have been afraid to for fear of
being pounded down into objects
that resemble little bits of Moist
and Meaty Dog Food. No one has
been foolish enough to ask these
questions. Until now.
I asked a few of my friends
what they wanted to know and
here are some of the things we
came up with.
My fast questions is: what is
the deal with the bathroom? It
seems that every time a group of
people goes out somewhere, the
following scenario happens: A
female will stand up and loudly
announce to everyone in a two
mile radius that she has to go to
the bathroom and ask if anyone
would like to join her. Another
female will usually voluntee?and
off they go. What are they doing,
re-enacting Noah's ark? Is the fear
so great of falling in that women
use the buddy system?
Then there are times when
several women go to the rest
room at the same moment. In
this case the whole establishment
will usually clear out, leaving the
men to sit around looking at each
other and remarking: "How about
Ladies, what is so interesting
about the rest room that keeps
you in there for 30 minutes at a
time? Do you have nice furniture,
a big screen tv with cable and a
whirlpool in there? My personal
theory is you play poker.
That's right, I think that when
a group of. women go to the
bathroom they frequently sit
down and start up a game of five
Letter applauds editorial;
respects flag's symbolism
(continued from page 3)
checkbook the ability to mess
around with the Bill of Rights,
the freeedoms that each of us
grew up with?
I am a Political Science
major, specializing in public law
and have studied the Constitution
for several years under the
guidance of the best political
science professors known to the
world. We cannot allow those
people who have been elected
into office (most of them for the
wrong reasons) to try and change
the basic foundation of the
freedoms of this country. Don't
card stud. I wouldn't be surprised
if one day I walked in to discover
my date and a few other broads
sitting around a table, smoking
cigars and passing out cards.
The exodus from the
bathroom is almost as bad. For
the most part, women emerge
from the bathroom laughing and
chatting about something very
interesting. This generally leaves
men feeling uncomfortable and
asking each other, "How about
The only time women don't
come out of the bathroom
smiling and laughing is when
they're complaining about their
hair and/or make-up. Which leads
me to my next question: "why do
women bother with make-up?"
I took an informal poll among
a few friends and Jim Bakker.
Everyone except Jim (who said
Tammy looked pretty bad
without it) said that they had
never asked girls to wear make
up. This makes us wonder why
you bother in the first place.
I guess men are just a little
scared of make-up, since putting
it on is very similar to painting a
house or a car. Here's a sample
set of instructions for painting a
house or a car:
1) remove all loose paint,
rust, dirt and foreign matter from
the surface. Make sure the areais
clean and dry.
2) apply a coat of primer.
3) apply two to three coats of
paint, allowing each to dry
thoroughly. Make sure there are
no drips, runs or brush marks.
4) Cover the painted area with
a final coat of a sealant to protect
the new paint.
Now, here is a set of
instructions for applying make
1) clean the facial area of old
make-up, oil and din.
2) apply a base to allow the
rest of the make-up to adhere.
3) apply lipstick, rouge, eye
liner and what ever else you deem
4) Finish off with a protective
application to hold everything
See? It's no wonder men get a
get me wrong folks, I worship
the American Flag and all it
stands for, but I also worship the
right to burn that Flag. The right
to burn the flag is more
important and more sacred than
the flag itself. The principle
outweights the physical
manifestation of that principle.
And as your editorial
mentioned, you did not see an
amendment stopping the display
of the flag of the Confederate
States of America. Let's talk
about desacration of the
little nervous about this make-up
stuff. When I go into a girls
room, I half expect to see power
tools tying around that are used
to put it on.
The, final question we have for
women is: "what do you
want from us!?! " There are
times when we have no idea what
we should do or say around you.
Howie you going to do it?
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The Collegian Wednesday, September 27, 1989
We may make a comment and the
girl will say "Don't say that!"
Later on, she will ask, "Why
don't you say that anymore?"
Make up your minds!
While you're at it, decide
whether you want to, be an ERA
girl or not. Nothing wrong with
it. Most men don't mind
chivalry. We won't slay dragons
To Order Call: The Microcomputer Order Center
Penn State-University Park State College, PA
or wear tin -underwear, but we
Will bold open doors, pull. out
chairs, let women go rust for just
about anything and all the other
neat things that -go with the
I think that I can speak for
most men when • I say we'd like
you to tell us what side you're
on. I'm a little tired of this
confusion. I hold open a door for
a girl and she hits Me for being a
male chauvinist pig. I don't hold
open the door and I get hit by a
lady who is convinced that I was
either raised by a pack of wolves
or Gloria Steinem (which could
be worse). Tell Us! This way
well know whether to open the
door or run for the car.
That's it for this week. Send
your answers to the Collegian
office. No C.O.D's or letter
"My chem lab report is due Monday.
My English lit. paper is due Tuesday.
My economics paper is due on Wednesday.
And the big game's tomorrow."