Page 6
Mark finds
what -women
about men
not pretty.
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
Not too long ago I was
studying in Perry Hall when.our
study group started talking about
the differences between men and
women.
Perry Hall, by the way, has
the world's thinnest walls. They
look like they're made of large
substantial blocks but are only
two inches thick, letting you hear
everything next door. I'm not
sure what the folks in room 259
were doing with chocolate sauce,
marshmallows and a Twister
game, but I'm pretty upset that I
wasn't invited.
Now in the relative safety of
the Collegian office, I can answer
some of the questions asked by
women about men.
Men, it seems, have strange
and disgusting kitchen habits. At
least that's what the women were
saying. Actually we don't have
strange and disgusting habits, we
just have a practical outlook to
this particular room.
Take pitcher-drinking for
example. A container of
something, whether it's milk,
orange juice, iced tea, beer or
whatever, reaches a point where
there's less than a glass of stuff
in it.
Fun at the beach:
Erie style
by Ed Miseta
For as long as I can remember, Erie has been
known for just one thing: Presque Isle State
Park. Tourists from all over the tri-state area
flock to our wonderful city every summer to
swim and sunbathe on these beautiful, wind
swept, sandy beaches. Year after year they come,
picnic baskets and coolers in hand, set for a fun
day of picnicking in the sun. The day normally
includes eating, drinking, frisbee playing, and
boat dodging, as well as many other fun
activities. This year, however, the peninsula had
even more to offer. And judging .from the
reactions of the tourists that I interviewed down
there, this made the trip even more pleasurable
than ever.
"I enjoyed fecal-coliform counting the best"
said George Hinkleman, a vacationer from Oil
City. "It was something that the whole family
could do together, and that made it
. especially
enjoyable." Fecal-coliform counting is
something new that the park started just this
year. Before a tourist may enter the park, he/she
must first purchase a fecal-coliform test kit. This
kit is available in most hardware stores for the
low, low price of $29.99. Any beach the tourist
wants to swim on must first be tested to insure
that the count is not too high. Should the count
exceed the specified limit, you must immediately
exit the area and continue testing the count on
other beaches until you find one that is safe.
think
and it's
Women, generally speaking,
would pour it, into a glass and
think it.
Now in the safety
of the Collegian
'office, I can answer
some of the
questions asked by
women about men.
Men just drink it out of the
pitcher, saving the trouble of
washing the glass. In fact, men
just drink out of pitchers
whenever possible (except for
dining out. It's pretty tough to
explain to the maitre'd why
you're sipping out of the wine
bottle when there's a very nice
and expensive glass in front of
you) to avoid doing dishes
altogether. It saves a lot of work,
and you don't have to keep
getting up for refills.
Another complaint was about
professional sports and how we
spend so much time watching
them on TV. I can't explain why
we spend hours watching large
sweaty men jump on each other,
since I don't watch much myself.
out
The only reason I can give is
that it gives guys a chance to be
mat slobs. Ifs the only excuse I
know of to invite your friends
over, lie around in old sweat
pants, drink lots of be
loud, obnoxious and generally
imitate your favorite Neanderthal.
It's also a good way to get rid
of the other half for a while.
With the words "the guys are
coming over to watch the game,"
most girls will leave and go
somewhere else, knowing the
stupid antics that will follow.
You know: screaming, yelling,
betting - and that's only about the
cheerleaders.
Sporting events do strange
things to men that are best left
unsaid, mainly because I'm very
afraid of the stories that could
leak out about my behavior after
the Browns-Steelers game a
couple of weeks ago. As a
Steeler's fan, I honestly didn't
think that calling the coach
(Chuck • Noll) and telling him
that I thought a heard of hamsters
could have done a better job was
a bad idea at the time.
But the biggest problem (at
least according to the six girls in
the conversation) seems - to be
men's attitude- toward dating_
Apparently we have this problem
"This is something we used to do ourselves,"
said the park superintendent, "but then we
realized that we could save money by letting the
visitors test the water themselves." He later added
that the tourists really seem to enjoy it,
sometimes driving around for half the day just
trying to find a beach safe enough to swim on.
"Next year when we add two more sand mound
septic systems, the people will really have a
ball," he said.
Another addition that visitors seemed to enjoy
was the medical waste that occasionally washed
up on the beaches. "Like, you know, it was
really far out," said Krystal, who was visiting
Erie from Los Angeles. "This stuff was like
really gross, you know? And like you had to
watch to not get it all over your toes and stuff."
Rumor has it that a popular sport on the beach
this summer was trying to spear crayfish with
used medical needles found on the sand. The park
superintendent, upon hearing of this, was
flabbergasted. "It's unbelievable," he said. "I just
caret believe that's actually possible.
"You mean spearing crayfish?" I asked. "No",
he said, "I can't believe crayfish could actually
live in those waters."
Avoiding deer ticks and Lyme disease was the
last new event of the season. With all of these
exciting conditions expected back next year, the
summer of 1990 could be a record-setting season
for Presque Isle.
The Collegian Wednesday, September 20, 1989
The
Missing
Pieces
with not knowing what we're
doing and never calling again.
Men don't view this as a
problem. Here's the typical
traditional dating process:
I)the guy usually finds
someone he'd like to go out
with.
2)the guy asks the girl out.
Übe guy waits for her
answer, knowing that she
has his entire being in the
palm of her hand.
4)the guy has to listen to the
answer, waiting for "yes" or
"go out on a date with you?
Hahabahahahahaha!!!"
And on top of this you want
us to plan the evening out too.
Thanks a lot! It's no wonder we
watch football. It's less stressful.
DQWI . 4 - 47,1'5-PIZIA DOUBLE
No 14
not to because were sciredH irst
-
of all we're not weVei
behaved -ourselves on the last,
date. After all, just because :we're.
not in a - full body
mean anything, gir l s it? -.7
Secondly, we're, warded about.'
how serious ; the, relationship is-,
goingloget. If The ,
had a nice time, the Male mind •
jumps to conclusimis.- ' - - • .
Words like "engagement,"
"marriage," "divorce,' "the only
things l' own are a Biemor and
an ugly green La-Z=Boy," enters
the brain and men just break out
+ •
in a cold sweat.
The trick is to tell him that
you had a terrible time, the
worst. You'd never, ever go out
with him again, even if he could
promise you a date with Mel
Gibson. Convince him of that
and he'll think he's safe. So safe
he will call you every day. At
least twice.
So that's all there is to men.
Join me next week as guys ask
women questions that they' ,
always wanted to know, like
"what is in the ladies bathroom
that causes all of you to go in, at
once?"