The Collegian Thursday, September 7, 1989
Baby Talk: Mark Discusses
The Myths and Methods of
Successful Child-Rearing.
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
After a rather disturbing
encounter with a 16 month-old
toddler at work (which involved a
teddy bear, a large mom and a
pound of strawberry flavored
yogurt... don't ask) I think it's
time I discussed child care. As a
person who has no children,
doesn't plan on having any soon,
and thinks the nicest term for
them is "small drooling nameless
bedwetters," I feel I'm the perfect
expert to give advice on babies.
The first thing I should point
out is that babies have only one
major organ: a pair of lungs. The
brain, heart and other vital organs
(such as toenails) develop at the
age of two. This is a proven
scientific fact. Take a baby to a
wedding, baptism or any other
important function where at least
30 people are required to be very
quiet. Soon (3 minutes and 12
seconds to be exact) the baby will
start in with a howl that would
Snorkin
No one move or frosty gets it on the "high"
setting!
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make Richard Simons' hair
uncurl. For extra fun, bring two
babies along. They usually work
out a tag team system to lessen
vocal chord strain. If you watch
carefully after the ceremony you
can see them give each other a
"high five."
This brings up a question
which: many parents ask me:
At the last picnic I was at I noticed a
mom trying to feed her toddler
baby food. The kid kept spitting
while straining to grab his dad's
and Stroh "s. Who says babies
know what they're doing?
"Mark, as an absolutely
inexperienced person with people
under 5 feet tall, what should I do
to keep my baby from crying?"
Aside from duct tape, here arc a
couple of suggestions:
The
Missing
Pieces
1. Never ever look at a baby
while it's in a carriage or crib.
You know what happens when
people do that; they make funny
faces and noises at the little tyke.
It's pretty sad. I mean, look at it
from the baby's perspective: here
you are, lying on your back with
nothing to do •but fill a diaper.
All of the sudden this huge face
appears in front of you. It's at
least 12 feet wide, making bizarre
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faces at you and babbling "Ahhh!
You're a big (fill in blank) aren't
you? Goo Goo, Waka Waka!"
Heck, I'd cry at that. Though
there are times when Pm not sure
if the baby is crying or
laughing...
2. Always leave an incredibly
bright light on . in the baby's
room. It's a known fact that
babies never cry during the day.
They wait until it's dark (the
antional average is 3:17 am) and
are sure you are in your warm
comfortable bed just drifting into
a blissful slumber.
some
it up
steak
don't
3. If the baby should cry,
don't rock ii. If you watch a
parent with a baby, you'll notice
that they rock the baby the same
way they'd 'shake a can of paint.
You'll also notice that the
nameless bedwetter keeps crying.
This is because he/she/it is no
longer upset at whatever (and no
one ever knows what that is), but
Editorial Policy
Page 7
is suffering from motion
sickness. Stop rocking and give
him a couple Dramamine.
My final, and most important
point, is: don't feed . the baby
traditional baby food!! G o
to a supermarket and look at this
stuff. Most of it comes in small
jars and resembles technicolor
toxic waste. And the names they
use: strained beets & bacon;
brocoli, cheese & tomato;
strained chicken & carrot;
and your favorite and mine,
strained beef, liver and
pineapples.
You wouldn't eat it, your dog
wouldn't eat it - heck, I don't
think the Gerber Baby cats it.
At the last picnic I was at I
noticed a mom trying to feed her
toddler some baby food. The kid
kept spitting it up while
straining (no pun, honest!) to
grab his dad's steak and Stroh's.
Who says babies don't know
what they're doing?
So that's it. Follow this
advice and your child will grow
up to be a big, strong, intelligent
adult who will leave home, give
up a full four year scholarship at
Yale and move to California to
take up board sailing. Ha Ha Ha!
Just kidding. Actually he'll work
at a McDonald's.
Happy Parenting.