The Collegian : the weekly newspaper of Behrend College. (Erie, PA) 1989-1993, September 07, 1989, Image 7
The Collegian Thursday, September 7, 1989 Baby Talk: Mark Discusses The Myths and Methods of Successful Child-Rearing. by Mark Owens Collegian Staff Writer After a rather disturbing encounter with a 16 month-old toddler at work (which involved a teddy bear, a large mom and a pound of strawberry flavored yogurt... don't ask) I think it's time I discussed child care. As a person who has no children, doesn't plan on having any soon, and thinks the nicest term for them is "small drooling nameless bedwetters," I feel I'm the perfect expert to give advice on babies. The first thing I should point out is that babies have only one major organ: a pair of lungs. The brain, heart and other vital organs (such as toenails) develop at the age of two. This is a proven scientific fact. Take a baby to a wedding, baptism or any other important function where at least 30 people are required to be very quiet. Soon (3 minutes and 12 seconds to be exact) the baby will start in with a howl that would Snorkin No one move or frosty gets it on the "high" setting! Letters Policy Statement Students frequently ask us if they can write an editorial. By definition, the answer is always no. An editorial represents the official stand of a newspaper on a given issue and is generally written by one of the newspaper's editors. Hence the name 'editorial.' We do however welcome the opinions of our readers, submitted in the form of letters to the editor. Letters may address topics of general campus interest or may respond to the Collegian's news or editorial content. Letters should be typewritten, signed by no more than two persons and should be turned in by 5 pm on Friday prior to publication. make Richard Simons' hair uncurl. For extra fun, bring two babies along. They usually work out a tag team system to lessen vocal chord strain. If you watch carefully after the ceremony you can see them give each other a "high five." This brings up a question which: many parents ask me: At the last picnic I was at I noticed a mom trying to feed her toddler baby food. The kid kept spitting while straining to grab his dad's and Stroh "s. Who says babies know what they're doing? "Mark, as an absolutely inexperienced person with people under 5 feet tall, what should I do to keep my baby from crying?" Aside from duct tape, here arc a couple of suggestions: The Missing Pieces 1. Never ever look at a baby while it's in a carriage or crib. You know what happens when people do that; they make funny faces and noises at the little tyke. It's pretty sad. I mean, look at it from the baby's perspective: here you are, lying on your back with nothing to do •but fill a diaper. All of the sudden this huge face appears in front of you. It's at least 12 feet wide, making bizarre The Behrend Collegian's editorial opinion is determined by the editor, with the editor holding final responsibility. Opinions expressed in the Collegian are not necessarily those of the Behrend Collegian or the Pennsylvania State University. Letter Policy: The Behrend Collegian encourages letters on news coverage, editorial content and university affairs. Letters should be typewritten, double-spaced and signed by no more than two persons. Letters should be no longer than 400 words. Letters should include the semester and major of the writer. All letters should provide the address and phone number of the writer for verification of the letter. The Collegian reserves the right to edit letters for length and to reject letters if they are libelous or do not conform to standards of good taste. Postal Information: The Behrend Collegian (898-6488) is published weekly by the students of the Behrend College; The Reed Union Building, Station Road, Erie, Pa 16563. faces at you and babbling "Ahhh! You're a big (fill in blank) aren't you? Goo Goo, Waka Waka!" Heck, I'd cry at that. Though there are times when Pm not sure if the baby is crying or laughing... 2. Always leave an incredibly bright light on . in the baby's room. It's a known fact that babies never cry during the day. They wait until it's dark (the antional average is 3:17 am) and are sure you are in your warm comfortable bed just drifting into a blissful slumber. some it up steak don't 3. If the baby should cry, don't rock ii. If you watch a parent with a baby, you'll notice that they rock the baby the same way they'd 'shake a can of paint. You'll also notice that the nameless bedwetter keeps crying. This is because he/she/it is no longer upset at whatever (and no one ever knows what that is), but Editorial Policy Page 7 is suffering from motion sickness. Stop rocking and give him a couple Dramamine. My final, and most important point, is: don't feed . the baby traditional baby food!! G o to a supermarket and look at this stuff. Most of it comes in small jars and resembles technicolor toxic waste. And the names they use: strained beets & bacon; brocoli, cheese & tomato; strained chicken & carrot; and your favorite and mine, strained beef, liver and pineapples. You wouldn't eat it, your dog wouldn't eat it - heck, I don't think the Gerber Baby cats it. At the last picnic I was at I noticed a mom trying to feed her toddler some baby food. The kid kept spitting it up while straining (no pun, honest!) to grab his dad's steak and Stroh's. Who says babies don't know what they're doing? So that's it. Follow this advice and your child will grow up to be a big, strong, intelligent adult who will leave home, give up a full four year scholarship at Yale and move to California to take up board sailing. Ha Ha Ha! Just kidding. Actually he'll work at a McDonald's. Happy Parenting.