Page 8
Features
Lemons 'R'
Mark Looks For A New
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
My car died.
Last week, after a brave and at
times very disgusting struggle it
succumbed to Car Leprosy.
I have a lot of fond memories
about that car, like the time it
stranded me on the west side of
town at 9:30 at night in a
rainstorm or when it stalled out
on Burton avenue while I was on
my way to class.
A very kind lady driving a
1989 Plymouth Sundance helped
me push my car off the road and
gave me a ride to school. Later
on it started right up, as if to say
"1-11-lEIPPPPPPPP!!"
It was a nice car though
(snicker) and I'm (haha) really
sorry to see it go (Ahahahaha!!).
Actually, I dreaded getting rid
of my TC3 because it meant that
I'd have to look for a new car.
This meant that I'd have to go to
car lots, meet salesmen and
maybe drive one or two cars.
I know it sounds like I'm
making a big deal about this.
You're right, I am. Personally I'd
rather have my wisdom teeth
removed by several blind
intoxicated dentists than look for
a car. It's a scary deal.
But as a public service I'm
here to share some insights I've
gained by looking for a new car.
First there's the newspaper
ads. Usually you'll see things
like this:
81 Ford Escort,
stran,exsys,sunrf, cass, GOOD
DEAL!
What is this ad saying? Your
guess is as good as mine. In
most cases people go out to look
at the car, kick the tires, look at
their bank balance and either a)
buy it, b) don't buy it or c) go
home and cry.
Car lots are different. These
are what cemeteries would look
like if they were run by Barnum
& Baily and Liberace's relatives.
Lots of flags, tinsel and banners.
Anything to distract you from the
cars.
My advice is to take the free
hot dog and ignore the dancing
girls.
What you have to watch out
for is the salesmen. For people
that wear bad polyester (it's true
there is such a thing as bad
polyester. Ask any weatherman,
he'll tell you) they move pretty
fast. A good salesman can swoop
down on a customer from across
the lot in 3.7 second. That's
counting the time it take's for
him to stop and get a hot dog.
I think all car salesmen go to
the same school. Everyone I've
ever met I)smiles and says "Hi!
Welcome to ," 2) shakes your
hand, and 3) asks you what he
can do for you.
You must 1) smile and say
"Hi!" 2) shake his paw and 3)
state the incredibly obvious that
"I'm looking for a car" while
resisting the urge to say "I have
to use the bathroom. Where do
you keep it?"
Quickly (usually before you
can get the word "car" out) the
salesman will be showing you
several cars, everyone of which
will be out of your price range.
This means that your first
task is to convince the salesman
that you can't afford anything he's
showing you. Be firm. You're
going to hear lots of lines like
"but for just $lO more a
month..."
Eventually you and the
salesman will find a few cars
that you can afford. It is
important that you look the cars
over very carefully, as you will
spend the next year of your life as
an indentured servant paying for
it.
Mark
Owens
After a week" of searching,
which consists of shaking many
paws, eating many hot dogs and
looking at too much repulsive
polyester, you'll have narrowed
down your list to two or three
cars. The next step is taking
them for a drive.
Test drives are interesting, as
you get to take the car off the lot
and into the world, forcing it to
do more than idle.
Important things to remember
about test-drives:
• never grip the wheel too
tightly - it might fall off
• don't flip switches randomly
- the car might blow up
• ignore the salesman and
kindly turn down his offer of a
hot dog
• don't talk to the rust
After the test drives, you will
either pick - one of the cars or
come to your senses and buy a
skateboard.
Actually buying the car
involves lots of paperwork, more
than it takes to build a small
office building. All I can say is
good luck and bring a change , of
clothes - this is going to take
awhile.
After you , get your new,
shiny, clean car home it will be
necessary to put all your junk
from the old car in it. After all,
you don't want anyone to think
you have a new car do you?
As for me, I bought a' nice
little foreign car. It's an adventure
everytime I get in it , as I keep
discovering little buttons,
switches and compartments.
Everything opens up for storage,
including the dashboard, the
hubcaps and the seats. Heck,
theres even a map compartment
in the engine.
I've got only one complaint.
I'm having a hard time getting
that hot dog smell out of the car.
Any suggestions?
Cat On
Cat On A - Hot Tin Roof.
Directed by Scott
McClelland. Starring Kim
Mc., Stanley Manic,
Louise Haladay, leonard
Dombrowski, Charlotte
Haas, Jimmy Mehs.
Appearing at the
Roadhouse Theater, 1505
State, April 27-30.
Car
by Rob Prindle
I have been a steady patron of
the Roadhouse Theater since the
first midnight production of
"Danny and the Deep Blue See, "
a searingly sexy, deadly funny
ultimately serious and shocking
play. There was something very
exciting about climbing the
aging steps of the Clay Space
Building at midnight to see the
first production of a new theater.
The excitement didn't end with
the dripping candelabras that lined
the flight of stairs. The play
,with its explicit nudity ,was
well suited for the late night run,
but a definite star arose from that
first endeavor. Kim Mc. oozed
sexuality in a manner not unlike
Melaine Griffith, but Kim's
sexuality is a little more
frightened, a little more dusky.
Since that first midnight, I
have religiously followed the
theater company, but although I
was alWays pleased with the
plays, I Was "always . slightly
disappointed when Kim Mc. did
not appear in the cast of actors.
My wait has finally ended with
" Cat On A Hot Tin Roof."
I am happy to say that Kim's
performance did not disapoint
me or anyone that saw the
production. Her security as an
actress allowed her to portray the
insecurity of Magie in
Tennessee Williams' finest play.
The play was probably the
best dramatic production that I
have seen in Erie. The now
defunct Lincoln Theater was the
king of the farce but the
Roadhouse has a flair for
dramatics that is the trademark of
all truly great theater companies.
Kim Mc. is a big reason for
the play's success, but certainly
not the only one. From the
totally right and somehow fresh
portrayal of Brick, Magie's
frustrated husband (Stanley
Tuznick) to the stunningly
energetic performance of Big
Daddy (Leonard Domvrowski).
The play takes the audience
through a day in the life of a rich
plantation family. The plot
revolves around a the imminent
death of Big Daddy and the
ensuing struggle to gain control
of the Mississippi Delta
plantation. Told in three acts, all
contained in the bed-sitting room
of Magie and Brick, the play
shows how each character relates
back to Big daddy.
Perhaps the real plot in this
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A Hot Tin ROOf
complicated story is the
relationship of Magie and Brick.
Brick, one of big Daddy's two
sons, is an ex-football player
turned sports announcer who has
recently suffered the death of his
best friend. The loss , along with
his wife's orbital role in his
breakdown ,has led Brick to
alcoholism. For those of you
who are not familiar with the
play, I will not reveal too much,
but the audience does learn that
Magie was less than secure with
the friendship that the two men
shared. In some ways Brick
blames his wife for his friends
eventual alcohol -related death.
The other players in the fight
for Big Daddy's power are Sister
woman and Brother man
(Charlotte Haas and Jimmy
Mehs) and Daddy's wife Big
Mama (played perfectly dotingly
by Louise Haladay). There is no
question in my mind that
Tennessee Williams was the king
of character naming.
Brick is tired of the games
that he sees being played around
him. Parts of his character betray
his cool exterior and we see a real
love for both Daddy and his best
friend. Brick calls what he sees
happening in the house
"mendacity" and that word sets
the tone for most of the play.
The fake lives that, these people
live paler:: in comparison to the
real friendship Brick had shared.
Part of the mendacity also deals
with the way the family hides tie
tragic test results from Big
Daddy.
The best scene of the play
involves the conversation
between Brick and his father. I do
not know how long the encounter
lasted but Tennessee Williams'
cutting dialog along with the
soothing power and frighteningly
calm humanity expressed by the
actors made the scene an integral
part of every man's life. The
thousands of reference points that
popped in my brain as I watched
made the scene eternal.
Kim Mc.'s performance was
slightly marred in the first act by
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her unsteady southern , diawl. On
some occasions when she missed
the timing of a line she - would
catch up by speaking without the
accent. No matter ,because here
real performance began in the
stunning- third act. Her play
between her husband and her
father-in-law was faultless. She
needed her husband's love and the
audience saw that in her eyes
long before they heard her speak
the words.
If you never see another
performance, you must see the
final encounter between Magie
and Big Daddy. It will make you
squirm and at the same time
compel you to understand.
The roles - of 'Sister, Brother
and Mama all lay in the shadow
of Brick and Magie and obviously
this is what the author intended.
The names all represent the
viewpoint of the couple and this
says a lot about their roles. Sister
woman was the slightly flat
character of the bitchy society
wife. This role must have been
played well because it fit so
nicely that it was hardly
noticeable. If she had played her
role poorly , I would have
noticed her, played well, I notice
the play. The pOle of Brother was
played equally as well, but
perhaps with slightly more
viscosity. Mama was irritating
and nosey and reminiscent of
Edith Bunker. The part was
perhaps slightly overplayed, but
thoroughly enjoyable.
The acting was nicely
complimented by the -genius of
the lighting. There were no slow
lights-up in this production. The
room was dark and then it was
immediately illuminated in naked
white. The set was also of
uncompromising quality ,
something rarely if ever seen in
small productions.
Show times:
Thursday - Saturday
Bpm. Sunday at 7pm.
Tickets $5. Reservations
459-8215
Oft/ 11.111110 0 111.111
alumni wswasrs
1-800-252-2228
EXT 602
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