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lbe EXamine'S The Seedy World of Fast FoOd
by Joe Albrecht
I have no problem with the
concept of fast food restaurants -
serving the customer quickly so
he can eat and get on with more
important things in life such as
bowling. Beyond that it's pretty
shaky. Generally I dislike eating
establishments where when you
leave them you are dirtier and
oilier than the Alaskan
shoreline.
For one thing, these places
should hardly be called
restaurants. My idea of a
restaurantis a tidy, atmospheric
little bistro where I am attended
to by a portly waiter named
Francois - where the wine list
features a dry yet full-flavored
1964 Chateau Le Blanc - and
where a cup of coffee alone
costs more than effective
singing lessons for Bob Dylan.
Fast food places should be
given names more akin to their
atmosphere - like Palace Of
Grease. If I were President, the
second law I would pass would
be that an eating establishment
could not be called a restaurant
Camping Vacations: Not For Weak At Heart
by K. M. Cleary
The question burning in the
hearts of millions of people
across the country this time of
year is how to take the best
possible trip with only a few
days of vacation time. Last
summer my boyfriend and I were
faced with that very question.
We developed a plan. We had
three days of vacation and wanted
to see a total of six New England
states. Obviously we needed to
save time somewhere. Part of the
answer was to waste no valuable
time with preparation.
We swiftly and efficiently
picked out all the trial sized
necessities, bought a tent with
only seconds to spare before the
store closed and took two loves
of pepperoni bread as our only
food. We figured that we could
munch on it during the drive and
save time and money by not
stopping for dinner. Later it
would become apparent that in
order to see everything we wanted
to see in the few hours we had to
see them we would have had to
skip eating all together.
As all good tourists know,
soon after the decision to go on a
trip has - b.een made,:they,niust
go. We did. After driving half
way to our destination of Maine,
-we stopped to camp in Herkimer;
New York - a place where only
ri6ople on their way, to .some
place else ever stay. We made a
campfire - well actually Match-
Tidbits: - From .Earth
if it operated a drive-thru or ran
witless promotional games like
Scrabble in which customers are
encouraged to collect letters on
game pieces via purchases to
spell words such as G-R-E-A-S-
E-B-U-R-G-E-R to win a
million dollars when everyone
knows there - is only one letter
"B" printed and that it is located
in, a remote outpost in Kenya.
(The first law I would enact
would involve Swedish
sunbathers, down pillows, and
Hershey's Chocolate Syrup.)
For those people who value
their health and do not wish to
expose themselves to the
pollution of the insides of the
fast food restaurant, there is
always the drive-thru. The drive
thru was invented originally to
protect employees from having
to look at homely people. A
guard was • posted at each
entrance to the facility and
would direct to the drive-thru
any person who did not meet his
standards of attractiveness. As
the months went by managers
across the country, especially in
California, discovered that many
Light charcoal made a campfire -
and the hot dogs that we tortured
over that fire would turn out to
be the only break from our stale
pepperoni bread diet.
Once the fire died down (it
never actually burned out, I think
we went a little overboard with
the wood) we went to sleep in
our luxurious three-man tent.
Apparently the three men to
which that description applied
were all very small and flexible.
The tent was so small that I
should think the three men in
question would have to be very
good friends.
Since it is difficult to sleep
any longer than is absolutely
neceßsary when only a few layers
of nylon separating your body
from the cruel, hard earth,
sleeping in a tent proved to be
yet another great way to save
time. My boyfriend and I woke
up a few hours before dawn to
continue our state-hopping
journey.
In our ongoing attempt to
save time and money, we gladly
ate stale chunks of pepperoni
bread for breakfast as we drove
through the splendor of up -state
New York. Our drive took us
slowly into the quaint greenness
of Vermont • via the Lake
Champlain ferryboat The toll for
the boat, we found. out, was
actually 'more than we sperit on
foc4for the entire triP... . •
• . At on point, as we viewed the
cozy state we were sure we saw
Joe Albrecht
of the guards, despite wearing
protective eyewear, were
permanently blinded. Lawsuits
ensued. It wasn't until the
landmark Supreme Court ruling
of 1971 that the general public
was allowed unconditional
freedom of choice between
eating in or using the drive-thru.
SUPREME COURT
RULING #3271.639-A/7 - And
Dick Louden of "The Newhart
Show" reading a how-to book;
the suede elbows on his sport
jacket gave him away.
We have no idea at what point
we finally passed from Vermont
into New Hampshire. There were
'no signs on the twisting
mountain road we traveled. After
much discussion we decided that
the two were actually only one
state. The split was apparently
only a political ploy to gain an
extra seat in the Senate.
Finally we arrived in Maine,
perhaps, we are told, the most
beautiful place in the world. We
drove for fourteen hours straight
to get there and the only thing we
could actually see was the heat
rising from the aging eight
cylinder engine that had pulled
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The Collegian Wedneoay, April 26
it is hereby decreed from this,
the highest court in the land,
altitudewise, that peaceful
uninterrupted entrance to those
establishments labelled as that
of the fast food variety shall be
granted to those persons deemed
unattractive by the general
consensus. Because, hey, even
some of us judges would-like to
eat inside once in a while.
The major problem I 'have
with drive-thrus is that the
person taking my order always
sounds muffled - as if he's
phoning for ransom money.
ME: I'd like a cheeseburger,
two large fries and a chocolate
shake.
DRIVE-THRU PERSON:
Mumph phum fzz mumph?
ME: I said I'd like one
cheeseburger, two large fries,
and one chocolate milkshake.
DRIVE-THRU PERSON:
Fzz mum fum fzz fzz phum
mumph.
ME (taken by surprise):
Leave $lO,OOO in small,
unmarked bills in the
phonebooth on the corner of
10th and State or you'll take a
us. With a mournful whimper in
his voice, my boyfriend read the
temperature gauge every two
minutes.
We were anxious to find a
place to camp, but there were
none. Until then I hadn't realized
campgrounds even had "No
Vacancy" signs. Deciding that we
would break down and pay for a
motel room, we found the only
vacant ones started at seventy
dollars and had a two night
minimum stay. I'm sure that the
complimentary mints were good,
but.... We were only staying one
night anyway.
After a long search we settled
for a not-so-expensive motel that
graciously allowed us to leave
after only one night. It was a nice
TKE
Congratulations
On Getting Your
Chapter!
Love -Bean, Little, Walls,
Cricket & Kathleen
fork and do what to my cousin
Roger?
To overcome: this problem I
now always., order .my food
inside with help from the
friendly, over-zealous counter
help, who lay on their fifteen
minute, "Good Afternoon -
Welcome to the finest
MdDonaldi. in all of North
Anienica - Carl I interest you in
our new lettude and tomato
Mcßoadkill Burger - and would
you like fries with that?"
speech.
And the food itself is another
topic that could only be
thoroughly addressed with the
help of top Health and EPA
officials who would use the
term "half-life" in their report
more often -than McDonalds
runs advertisements.
The choice is now yours -
whether you want to risk your
health by eating at one of these
Diners of 111 'Repute or play it
safe by 'eating more
conventional food.
Me, I think I'll seek refuge
in a box of Ho7I-lo's.
change from our tent. The next
morning we did what we went to
do;. we saw the Atlantic Ocean.
Incredibly foggy and ice-cold, the
water rushed chilling breezes
across the shore.
After seeing the ocean, we
headed straight home. During the
fourteen-hour drive we saw
Massachusetts, one of the six
states we visited. We are still not
sure if the Massachusets highway
system counts as a visit to that
state.
During a truly efficient
vacation there is no time for such
frivolity as clean-up. We still
find crumbs from the now
famous pepperoni bread in. the
car. This leads to our final
discovery for a successful
vacation. Rent a car.